Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz
by TheWindAlchemist
Summary: You've Seen Kisame's First Days, You've seen Tobi Attack the world with clones, but now, a NEW member of Akatsuki has arrived, Shniz! The new new guy of Akatsuki!EPILOGUE EPILOGUE EPILOGUE
1. Shniz

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

This will probably end up as one of my random crap stories, and drag on for 27 or more chapters, involving Tobi, and the new member Shniz. And more conventions…. Oh god…

Chapter 1: Shniz

"Attention All Akatsukis, report to the main hall immediately." The leader said through the intercom. "He can wait, yeah. I'm watching Red vs. Blue… yeah." Deidara said, eating some popcorn. "Do it NOW, or I'll cancel Mozzarella Monday and Feeding Frenzy Friday!" The leader said. Everyone stopped what they were doing and rushed to the main hall.

"Welcome All. I have… a question. Why are the Soul Reapers still here?" The leader asked, pointing at the Soul Reapers behind him. "Hey, we still have TWO WEEKS in our vacation. And this is a _Pretty Sweet_ Base. We should get something like this." Byakuya said, looking around. "Well, I thank you for the compliment… but… WHY are you all here at… the same time? Shouldn't you be… oh I don't know… Take shifts or something?" The leader asked. "I mean, for I you know, those Hollow things could be attacking your friends right now." He stated. "Oh no, no. That's impossible. Hollows aren't allowed in the soul society." Byakuya said. "They're…. not allowed in the Human world, and they still go there." The leader said. "Oh… well… we gots a forcefield." Byakuya said, taking out a cell phone. "Wh-where'd get the cell phone!?" The leader asked. "Soul Reapers don't have cell phones!!" The leader pointed to the black Razr in Byakuya's hands. "Well, _I _do!" Byakuya called Soul Society and put it on speaker.

_Hello?_

Yeah, it's me Byakuya.

_Oh, ok. –ahem- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! HOLLOWS!!!! THEY'RE __**EVERYWHERE!!!!!**_

…Ok, say hi to the wife and kids for me! –hangs up-

"See? Perfectly UNHARMED." Byakuya said. "B-but-" "UN. HARMED." Byakuya said. "Anyway… wait… where'd you get the money? You're flat broke!!" The leader said. "I got it from your safe." He said plainly. "WHO GAVE YOU THE COMBINATION!?" The leader demanded. "Your friend Deidara over there…with the, uh… mouths on his hands…yeah." Byakuya said, playing a game on his phone. "DEIDARA!? WHAT IN _GOD'S _NAME POSESSED YOU TO DO SUCH A THING!?" The leader asked angrily. "A BIG BOTTLE OF SCOTCH!! YEAH!!" Deidara slurred, passing out. "Oh god… I have the WORST staff ever… "

……………………………………………………………………………….

"On OTHER terms… We have a new member. Shniz." The leader announced, after everyone got seated. "What's a Shniz!?" Itachi asked. "It's not a thing, it's a person. Our newest member." The leader introduced a short fellow, same size as Tobi, same hair as Tobi, brown hair and eyes, and … American. "Hi, I'm Shniz!' He said in English. (keep in mind, these people are in JAPAN… or what SHOULD be Japan…) "SPEAK JAPANESE!!" Kisame yelled. "Oh, I taught him a little Japanese, please introduce yourself, in _Japanese_." The leader laughed.

This is what the leader taught him to say:

"_Hello, My name is Shniz, and I wanna send in my army and kill all y'all just like we did the Indians!_

-drew pistols-

LEADER: Uh… Initiation –giggle-

_And… uh… I'm constipated, and wanna use your toilet as my new house… and … you sill live in the basement… and… yeah._

Did I say It right, sir?

LEADER: -pfft- you said it right, Shniz. –pfft- now introduce yourself to Byakuya Kuchiki!

O-ok! _Hi, Byakuya, I uh… saw your mom on the internet, and… you wife on "Crackholes Magazine"!_

-takes out Zanpakuto-

Did I say something wrong?

LEADER: Ok, I'll tell you what you said, -whispers-

SHNIZ: OMG!! I-I-I'M SO SORRY!!

LEADER: No, no, you're speaking English! Here's how you say it in Japanese:

_I saw All yo' mommas on the internet and they know how to get their FREAK on!_

ALL: ….. BUST A CAP IN HIS ASS!! –all gangsta-like-

LEADER: Hold on! Guys, it was all a joke, so calm down and…

BYAKUYA: -cuts off leader's arm-

LEADER: Oh, VERY mature, Byakuya. Kakuzu! Get over here, it won't stop bleeding. Anyway, Shniz will say Sorry to you in the following way.

_I f$# your moms and it felt good!_

All: -runs towards Shniz to kill-

TWO WEEKS LATER

"Ok, Shniz, I'm sorry I made you introduce yourself in the WORST possible way. I'll let you kick me anywhere." Leader said to Shniz, who was in a wheelchair. "Oh wait- you CAN'T! you're in a wheel- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! MY BALLS!!!" The leader was rammed hard in the crotch by a Shniz in a wheelchair. "Bitch…" Shniz said, going to his room. He rammed into Sasori, putting ihim in the hospital. 'AAAAAAAAAAGHHHHK!!" He yelled.

TWO MORE WEEKS LATER

(JUST SO YOU KNOW, THE SOUL REAPERS ARE GONE)

"Oh Hi, Deidara senpai!" Shniz saw Deidara walking down the hall. "Shniz is a good boy!" He said. Tobi, on the other side of the base, flinched. "What!?" He yelled, instantly running towards Shniz. 'WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" Tobi yelled. "Oh no… not another one… oh GOD not another one…" Deidara said. "Oh! I forgot to tell you! Since Sasori's in the Hospital, I'm gonna be your new partner, Deidara-senpai!" Shniz said. "What?" Tobi asked in disbelief. "And… Tobi's been moved back to Zetsu's partner." Shniz announced. "And, as a celebration, I brought gifts! Deidara-senpai! I got you an art book and doughnuts!" Shniz handed him the gifts. "What did you get Tobi?" Tobi asked. "Oh… uh… here's a sandwich." Shniz handed him a half-eaten sandwich from his pocket. "What are these bite marks doing here?" Tobi asked. "Oh yeah… I got a little hungry when I first got here." Shniz said. "That was a month ago…" Tobi said, taking a bite of the sandwich. "Oh yeah, it might be a little moldy in there…" Shniz commented. "THAT'S NOT MAYONNAISE!?" Tobi panicked, spitting out the sandwich. "Can I have a doughnut?" Tobi asked. "No. Now go ahead to Zetsu… Shniz, I think this might become a Beautiful friendship…" Deidara said, walking him down the hall. "Eh!? EH!? EEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH!?" Tobi yelled.

And that's how the bitter rivalry started.

AND NOW, A CONSTANT BYAKUYA UPDATE ON HOW THEY GET HOME!

"My god… how long is this flight!?" Byakuya asked angrily. "Well… it could take a while… it IS warping dimensions… cut it some slack." Renji said. "-sigh- Why don't we just do it ourselves!?" Byakuya asked. "We already paid for the tickets." Hitsugaya said. "Oh God…" Byakuya said in annoyance

TBC

Note: **You can still ask questions for Kisame's corner, and it will be up in a few days. We just need a few more questions…. Yeah. So, you can either start here or review Attack of the Tobi.**


	2. Discovery

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

……. Uh… am I supposed to say something??

Chapter2: Discovery

"Deidara-senpai!! Come ON!! Can't the leader switch partners or something!?" Tobi pleaded, dragging behind Deidara's cloak. "GET OFF YEAH!!" He yelled, shaking Tobi off. "Come on! Think of all the good times we've had!" Tobi suggested. Deidara thought. And thought. And FEARED. And thought. "Come on, there must be one thing!!" Tobi said. "QUIT DISTRACTING ME!! YEAH!" Deidara yelled. "U-uh… H-how about the time when I fell asleep on the job and you blew me up!?" Tobi suggested. "…Not my BEST moment, but it'll have to do…yeah." Deidara said, considering it. "Haven't we always been a great team? The two musketeers?" Tobi asked. "dot, dot, dot..yeah." Deidara said. "Is that really necessary?" Tobi asked. "You're questioning me, that's not helping you. Yeah." Deidara said. "Ok… well, who do you want to hang out with more? Me or Shniz!?" Tobi asked. "Hmm… let's see my options. 'Gift-giving new guy', or… 'retarded, traitor –cloning himself-destroying my room- guy'… huh…"Deidara said sarcastically. "U-uh… yeah… not one of my best ideas…" Tobi laughed to himself nervously. "Yeah." Deidara agreed angrily.

Just then, Shniz came walking down the hallway. "Deidara-senpai! It has officially been 24 hours since I first came here! I decided to give you a present!" Shniz said, handing Deidara a sketch pad. "Hmm…a sketch pad… nice… yeah." Deidara nodded in approval. _God he's a dick.._ Tobi thought. "Hey, Deidara-senpai… why do you say 'yeah' at the end of your sentences?" Tobi asked. "Is THAT any of your business?" Deidara asked. "Why _do _you, senpai?" Shniz asked. "Oh, well I'll tell you Shniz- Go." Deidara said to Tobi, pointing at the end of the hallway. Tobi silently obeyed.

_Damn… I can't hear a word they're saying! _Tobi thought. _Why does Shniz get the special treatment!? I've been here for 3 years dammit! And he's only been here for a day! THAT'S MESSED UP!! Maybe… If I opened up a little! Yeah! Not wear my mask!_

TOBI'S IMAGINATION

"Hi Deidara-senpai! I'm not wearing my mask!" Tobi cheered.

BOOM!! Deidara exploded, along with everything else.

--

_No… that would… kill everything. Umm…How about… I should try making an Akatsuki cereal! Our popularity would go up- no that's not what we need right now…………………………… Akatsuki-o's? No, no that's stupid… oh! I know! … no… I BROKE that machine… uhm… uh… I KNOW!! I CAN GET HEAT VISION!!_

TOBI'S IMAGINATION

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA –zap- AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA –zap- AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

--

_HELL NO!! THAT'S NOT ME!! Hmm… maybe I'll just wait this thing out… who knows, maybe Shniz will die-_

-zap- AHAHAHAHAHA DIE SHNIZ!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA-

--

_OMG!! WHERE'D THAT COME FROM!?_

_**I AM DARK TOBI!!**_

_Yeah yeah, I've heard It all before. You're the dark side that tried to take over, I try to fight it and win and blah blah blah. Why don't we just skip that and you crawl back to the deeper part of my brain._

_**Fine, Fine. But please clean this place up. It's so messy it's not funny anymore. Dog shit wouldn't live here.**_

_That really hurts…_

_**I know, I know…-**_

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA –zap- DIE!!!! SHNIZ!!! –zap-

"NO!! NO HEAT VISION!!" Tobi screamed, banging his head. Itachi was walking by, staring at him with a weird look. "O-oh… uh… n-nothing!" Tobi waved. Itachi just walked off.

_Phew… wait- no! –AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!_

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA –zap- DIE DIE DIE DIE!! –zap-

_Inner dark me!! Stop it!!_

_**It's not me I swea!. You're just crazy.**_

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!_

"NO MORE HEAT VISION!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Tobi screamed again.

"And that's how I got into the habit of saying 'yeah' at the end of my sentences. Yeah." Deidara finished. "Was the part about the baseball bat and the mask-wearing guy true?" Shniz asked. "Well… the mask-wearing guy was something I added to spice things up, but the baseball bat thing was real. Yeah" Deidara said. "Ohhhhh… cool!" Shniz exclaimed, looking back at Tobi, who was banging his head in his hands, murmuring "No heat vision!!" Shniz turned back ahead and walked off.

"GAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! NO HEAT VISIOOOONN!!!" Tobi screamed again. Man this is getting annoying.

_**God, SHUT UP!! STOP BANGING YOUR HEAD!! IT'S MAKING THE ALREADY MESSY HEAD OF YOURS WORSE!! SHUT UP!!**_

_I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU DARK TOBI!!! _

Kisame was giving Tobi a 'WTF' look as he saw him banging his head. "uh… Tobi's a good boy…?" Tobi said.

_Please stop banging your head Tobi_

_What the- who the heck are you!?_

_I'm the old Tobi…I'll take over you when you turn 70…_

_Dear god… WHERE ARE YOU ALL COMING FROM!?_

_Angry Tobi's pushing us around… _

_Uhm..._

_Anyway, Tobi, is banging your head REALLY going to help?_

_Uh… no… I guess not. I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING WITH THIS!!_

_**You are thinking about this NOW!?**_

_I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!!_

"…What's he doing…?" Itachi asked Kisame, watching Tobi in his little corner. "I… don't know… it's like… he's having an argument… with his inner self." Kisame replied, sitting down to watch him.

"Argh…" Tobi murmured.

"Hey… he's talking!" Kisame said.

Tobi stood up. "GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! AAAAAHHHHH!!!" He yelled. "REST!! THAT'S WHAT I NEED!! Rest… I'm going to my room…" Tobi said, walking away.

"Oh my god..." Kisame said/ "I've never been so scared in my entire life…" Itachi said, cowering in a corner opposite of where Tobi was previously sitting.

IN TOBI'S ROOM

"sigh… finally, peace and- WHAAAAAAAAAAAA!?" Tobi gawked at all the Tobis in his room. "WHA-WHAT'S GOING ON!?" Tobi yelled. "I DIDN'T CLONE MYSELF AGAIN DID I!?" Tobi asked himself. "No, we're your inner selves." Dark Tobi said. "NO!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN MY HEAD!!!" Tobi was going crazy… well… crazier.

OUTSIDE TOBI'S ROOM

"What the HELL is he doing!?" The leader asked irritated. "I… don't know…" Flower-chan said for the first time in the story. "But, whatever it is, it must be something… completely retarded and unimportant." She finished.

IN TOBI'S ROOM

"Ok, first thing's first, I need to see if you're really here. DEIDARA-SENPAI!! CAN YOU COME IN HERE!?" Tobi yelled into the wall. A knock was heard at the door. "Deidara-senpai! I didn't think you'd actually come- Shniz what are you doing here?" Tobi asked. "Oh, the leader ordered me to take your room because you're annoying him, what with him living above you, and… yeah." Shniz said. "Th-then who's taking this room?" Tobi asked. "Me." Shniz said. "Oh are you gonna take that!?" Poser Tobi yelled. Not that Shniz could see, but he was slapping Tobi across the face like a madman. Funny thing, Tobi looked like a madman right then. "…Are you alright?" Shniz asked."Y-yes! Yes! Totally fine!" Tobi said, pushing away air -poser Tobi-. "yeah… I'll give you 24 hours. Bye!" Shniz waved and left.

As Tobi was packing, he looked up to see sad Tobi looking at him. "What do you want?" He asked. "Anger Tobi is making fun of me…" Sad Tobi said. "sigh… Anger Tobi, quit taking out your anger on Sad Tobi!" Tobi ordered. (confused yet?) "NO!" Anger Tobi yelled. "sigh… Oh god… Why are you guys still here anyways!?" Tobi asked. Little did he know, he was attracting the attention of the other members.

"We're here because… we don't know how to get back in your head." Smart Tobi said. "…What!?" Tobi yelled. The members listening in backed away from the door. "But, I have a theory." Smart Tobi continued. "If you somehow ate us whole-" "NO. NO, NO,NO, NO, NO!!" Tobi refused. "But-" "NO!! SHUT UP! WE'RE MOVING ALTOGETHER." Tobi said.

"Who's he talking to…?" Kisame asked Zetsu. "I don't know… but weird crap's been happening to him ever since Shniz came." Zetsu replied. "Hm… I wonder what Shniz's doing right now?" Kisame asked.

SOMEWHERE… ELSE…

"Is the plan underway, 'Shniz'?" a dark figure that WASN'T THE LEADER asked ANOTHER dark figure that was obviously Shniz. "Yes, master, but you can still call me George." Shniz replied. "Shut up! You know your code name!" The dark figure yelled. "Who _cares!?_ Who's watching anyway!?" Shniz said. "Them." The dark figure pointed to YOU. Yes, he know's you're there. Watching, waiting… Scheming… wait, no. That's Shniz. But that doesn't mean that YOU'RE not planning something. Are you? No… wait… ARE you!? " Are you done?" Shniz asked. Yes, Yes I am. "Ok then… Anyway… WHO'S GOING TO VISIT US HERE!?" Shniz yelled again. "This matter is closed. The paragraph is already longer than it should be!" The mysterious figure said. "Wait… where ARE we…?" Shniz asked. "In the basement… of the … Akatsuki base." The figure said. "Wait, Tobi lives here…" Shniz said. "Who cares? Anyway, Sasori's in the hospital, right?" The dark figure asked. "Yeah…" Shniz answered.

"Ok, here's the plan. We pose as doctors, we go into Sasori's room and inject him with poison that kills him in a day." He explained. "I… don't follow." Shniz said. "Ok, look what happens to the hot dog." DF said. (DF means Dark Figure). "We're going to… neuter him?" Shniz said. "Huh!? NO! This is just an example!!" DF yelled. "Well, it doesn't look like Sasori… so it doesn't seem all that convincing…" Shniz said. "Fine! I'll make it look like Sasori! Look, Look! See!? Here's the hair, the baggy eyes, THE WORKS!!" DF screamed, drawing the figure. "And we inject this, and it BOOOOM!!! He explodes!" DF Finished. "I.. still don't follow." Shinz said. "Okay man your stupidity is starting to scare me." DF said.

WITH TOBI

Tobi was walking down the stairs when all this was taking place and when he got down he smelled the air and fell down and barfed. "Oh... God… this is where I put the Akatsukis in the last fanfiction? Man... –barf-"

WITH SHNIZ AND DF

"YOU STILL DON'T GET IT!? OK, WE GO IN, POISON HIM, GO OUT, AND LEAVE HIM THERE TO DIE!" DF yelled. "So… WHY Sasori?" Shniz asked. "SAVE IT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER!!" DF yelled again.

BYAKUYA UPDATE

"… what's that smell?" Byakuya asked. "What smell- AW!! AW GOD- OH! OH GOD THAT- AH JEEZ!!" Renji complained. "That was a good one…" Kenpachi said. "What!? THAT'S YOU!? OH GOD WHAT'D YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST!?" Gin asked. "BEWARE!! KENPACHI'S BREAKFAST BURRITO!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- passes out-" "What just happened?" Hitsugaya asked. "I guess he couldn't take his own smell…" Gin replied. Suddenly, the vehicle they were in swerved to the left, then the right, then the left again. "OMG!! THE SMELL KILLED THE PILOTS!! NOOOOO!!!"

-sucky update-


	3. I don't think I named this one

**Akatsuki: Rise of The Shniz**

God I keep writing "Attack" instead of "Rise in The title… it's annoying.

Chapter 3:

"Oh my god… SHNIZ IS PLANNING TO DESTROY AKATSUKI!! I've gotta tell Deidara-senpai! Or… have lunch… pretty hungry…" Tobi said to himself. "Wait… Ok, ok. Lunch or Deidara-senpai. Lunch… or Deidara-senpai. Lunch." Tobi walked away towards the cafeteria.

"Hey… I Think I heard someone…" DF said. "No… no one ever comes down here. Except for Tobi. But he's an idiot. No one ever believes him. Kinda like… the boy who cried wolf." Shniz replied. "Didn't they believe him the first three times?" DF asked. "Oh… shit." Shniz said.

Tobi grabbed a sandwich from the counter and ran to Deidara's room. 'DEIDARA-SENPAAAAAI!!!" he yelled, bashing through the door. "MY DOOR!! MY WALL!!" Deidara yelled. "WHADDYA WANT!?" "SHNIZ IS- wait… what's with the fancy getup?" Tobi looked at what Deidara was wearing. It was a tuxedo with a red tie. Akatsuki colors. "Oh, I have a really big date tonight…" Deidara replied. "With who?" Tobi asked. "I forgot. Met her on the internet… name started with an… 'H' or something." Deidara said. "Oh well… what was that about Shniz?" Deidara asked. "Uh… nothing. You just go on your date… I guess." Tobi said, walking away. _The story's too long, and besides, you guys already know the story, yes? (directed to you, the reader)_ Tobi thought.

"Let's try… Itachi! ITACHI-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!" Tobi ran to Itachi's room, where he and Kisame were talking. "Tobi… you bashed Kisame into the wall… using y door. Which you broke. Damn it all." Itachi said. "ITACHI!!" Tobi yelled again. "What do you want? I have a lame excuse to get away from you coming up in about 5 minutes and- WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" Itachi asked angrily. "ITACHI-SAN!! SHNIZ IS TRYING TO-" Kisame grabbed Tobi by the collar and threw him down the hall. It sent him around the world and crashed into Deidara's car. "NOOOOO!!! MY CAR, YEAH!!" He yelled. "I… I can fix that." Tobi said. Deidara grabbed him by the collar and threw him back to the Akatsuki base, into Flower-chan's room. While she was changing.

"This isn't what it looks like." Tobi said. "That's what they all say. Get out." She ordered. "Heh heh… funny thing is… I'm sorta stuck IN THE WALL. So… I really Flower-chan kicked him into Zetsu's room. "BEFORE YOU END MY LIFE, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT'LL PROBABLY END YOURS!!" Tobi yelled. "SHNIZ IS PLANNING TO DESTROY AKATSUKI!! And I'm not crazy!!" Tobi yelled again. "Ok, you can kick me, throw me half-way around the world or whatever!" He braced himself for the pain. "Why would Shniz want to destroy Akatsuki?" Zetsu asked. "BECAUSE HE'S A DIRTY, TRICK-PLAYING BASTARD!!" Tobi yelled. "Ook… I'll just kick you out of my room, probably sending you to Konoha. How does that sound?" Zetsu said. "Better than what I've just been through… guh…" Tobi said. "ok, buh-bye." Zetsu kicked Tobi to where Deidara was having his date.

"TOBI!!" Deidara yelled, as he slammed into the table at the restaurant. "Am… I dead yet?" Tobi asked. "Unfortunately not…damn." Deidara said. Tobi looked to his left. "You're dating Hinata Hyuga?" Tobi asked. "Who else has their name start with an 'H' besides her?" Deidara asked. "There's…" Tobi started. "THAT'S A GIRL." Deidara said. "… ooooooooohhhhhhh… Ok, well, it you don't mind, can you kick me back to Akatsuki base please?" Tobi asked. "No. It's no fun if you WANT me to kick you!" Deidara said. "sigh… fine, 'please don't-' AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Tobi was sent flying back into the Akatsuki base.

"That was satisfying, yeah." Deidara said, sitting back down.

WITH DF AND SHNIZ

"Ok, run the plan by me one more time…" Shniz said, as they parked in front of the hospital. "Shniz, I've been TALKING about the plan ever since we left the base, HOW CAN I RUN THIS BY YOU AGAIN!?" DF yelled. "Just say it to me one more time!" Shniz yelled.

"Ok, Go in, Kill Sasori, Get out!" DF said.

"Again."

"Go in, kill Sasori, get out!" DF said.

"Still don't get it."

"ARGH!! Just follow me. " DF walked into the hospital.

--

"Hey look, two unsuspicious-looking doctors… wait… is that even a word?" Sasori said, looking at the two doctors walking into his room. "Hello Sasori… we're just going to inject you with this liquid that should heal you in 24 hours…. Right doctor… uh… doctor…" DF was referring to Shniz, but was thinking up a fake name. "Uh… um… argh… uh… come on… uhm… think, think!" DF was snapping his fingers. "Don't you know your own assistants name?" Sasori asked. "SHUT UP!! I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" DF yelled. "But-" Sasori started. "I'M A FREAKIN' INTERN ALRIGHT!? SO SHUT UP!! Uh…. ZNISH!! THAT'S IT!! YOU'RE NAME'S ZNISH!!" DF yelled.

"That's… great. Now, can I make a request?" Sasori asked. "What now!?" DF yelled. "Uhm… I hate needles so.. can I get a pill?" Sasori asked. "Uh… no. You're getting this needle." DF said. "But I don't want it-!" Sasori complained. DF and Sasori struggled until the needle eventually hit someone. But it wasn't Sasori. "Oh… Shit." DF said. "Znish! Get the cure!!" DF yelled. "What?" Znish asked. "THE DAMN CURE FOR THE DAMN- THE DAMN- INJECTION THINGIE!!" DF yelled. Just then, the door opened to reveal… "SHNIZ!? WAIT!! WHO'S THIS!?" DF yelled. "Oh… That was some guy you thought was me." Shniz replied. "THEN WHERE WERE YOU!?" DF asked. "Hot dog stand." Shniz said. "WELL DON'T JUST STAND THERE!! GET ME THE CURE FOR THE POISON!!" DF yelled. "You were gonna poison me!?" Sasori asked. "Oh shit… uh…" DF started. Sasori rapidly pressed the nurse button. "NURSE!! NURSE!! GET IN HERE!!" he yelled. The door slammed open, ramming Shniz into the wall. "Gentlemen, meet my bodyguard/ nurse, OLGA." Sasori said. It was a bulky woman with muscles everywhere. **EVERYWHERE.**

"Olga, please escort these 'doctors' to the window." Sasori said. "DA." Olga said, peeling Shniz off the wall and grabbing DF. "W-WAIT A SECOND-!" DF pleaded. Olga threw both of them out the window. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" They screamed. When the landed on the ground, DF managed to get up. "Shniz… hand me the cure… please." DF asked. "I didn't make one…" Shniz said. "Wh-What do you mean you didn't make one?" DF asked in disbelief. "Well… I didn't think this would happen…" Shniz replied. "What do you mean? OF COURSE THERE'S A CHANCE THIS'LL HAPPEN!!" DF yelled. "Yeah B-but … I-if… I'gotta get back to the base man, They're gonna get suspicious…" Shniz walked off. "Wha- Whu- Bu- I'm screwed…" DF said.

WITH TOBI

"Shniz… you think you can destroy Akatsuki!? WELL THINK AGAIN!!" Tobi said, grabbing all the weapons and bombs he could carry, placing them on the roof over Shniz's room, and… Deidara's also… unfortunately. "AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Ok what's next… set the bombs… check. Evil laugh… check. Monologue… hmm… I don't FEEL like it. Anyway, I'm blowing this place to heck!" Tobi looked at a timer. "50 hours… that doesn't seem right." Tobi turned it over. "05 seconds… uh oh."

WITH DEIDARA

"That was the most successful date of my life! Nothing could possibly ruin this noght!!" Deidara sang, walking through the woods leading to the Akatsuki base. He looked up to see Tobi wearing a helmet, a timer reading 03 seconds, and a window that showed his room. "Oh… god… TOBI!! NOO-"

**BOOM**

THE NEXT DAY

"Now Tobi… Even though I'm proud of you for laying a clever array of explosives around the base. But I'm also APPALLED at the fact that is _was_ in fact, around the base." The leader said, holding an icepack to his head, which was bandaged heavily along with a broken arm and in a wheelchair. "And, to top it all off, you have put EVERY SINGLE AKATSUKI MEMBER IN WHEELCHAIRS!!" Everyone glared at Tobi. "So, now, to pay for damages, I have had to lower all of your pay 99 percent. Which is basically a penny. Here's your penny Tobi." The leader put a penny in Tobi's hand. "Hey guys I'm out of the hospital!!!" Sasori yelled as he walked through what was left of the doorway…only to be crushed by a steel beam hanging from what used to be Tobi's room. The leader grabbed some pliers and cut Tobi's penny in half. "This won't go very far…" He said. "WELL YOU SHOULD'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU BLEW UP THE BASE!" The leader yelled. "But this isn't worth anything!" Tobi said. "OH GOOD! YOU'RE ALL POOR!!" Kakuzu exploded. "AND OUR MEDIC IS DEAD! AND OUR STRONGEST MEMBER IS IN A FULL BODY CAST!! YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING ELSE, EH TOBI!?" The leader said. He heard Sobbing. "What the- Are you crying!? SUPER VILLAINS DON'T CRY!!" The leader yelled.

"UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Tobi cried. "Oh… uh… it's gonna be… ok…? Oh who am I kidding YOU SUCK!!" The leader yelled. "Oh come on leader! Let up on the little guy!" Shniz said. "I'M TALLER THAN YOU!!!" Tobi cried. "Uh… ok. Um.. this place wasn't the most DURABLE place in the world!" Shniz said. "Got that right! This place is a freakin' disaster waiting to happen! I'm surprised it took THIS long to fall apart!" Itachi laughed. "Ok, I will NOT fire Tobi." The leader said. "DAMN!" Deidara yelled. "But, in return, you must work overtime with no pay,"

"Done…" Tobi said.

"With Shniz." The leader finished.

"Do- WHAAT!?" Tobi yelled. "Look, this is the only way we can work with our lack of man power, electricity, and money." The leader said. "You're lucky I don't kill you right now."

"I'm… I'm still under this steel beam guys!" Sasori choked out.

"Shut up Sasori, we'll get you out somehow! Now Tobi! Shniz! Get to know eachother!" the leader yelled.

"But-"

"NOW!!" The leader yelled.

"Ok, from now on, call me, 'Tobi-senpai'!" Tobi said.

"Yes sir, Tobi-senpai!" Shniz said.

"Senpai sounds wrong coming from you."

"Ok, Tobi!"

"I thought I said 'call me senpai'!?"

"But you said-"

"NOW!!"

"Tobi, quit confusing him! Yeah!" Deidara said. "You'll kill him."

_Really…?_ Tobi thought evilly.

"TOBI!!" Tobi yelled.

"TOBI!" Shniz repeated.

"SENPAI!!"

"Tobi-senpai!"

"TOBI!!"

"AAAAAAH!!"

"TOBI!! SHUT UP YEAH!!" Deidara yelled.

"aww…" Tobi said.

"You know what? I'm tired. See ya in the next chapter." Deidara said, walking away.

"Oh. And no killing Shniz. Yeah." Deidara Added.

"DAMN!!" Tobi yelled.

Sorry have to end here.


	4. I dont think I named this one either

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

I dno't own Nrutao. If you can raed this tehn you are smart. Good job.

If you can't… -shakes head in disappointment-

Chapter 4: Return

"SHNIZ HURRY UP!!" Tobi yelled.

"I'M TRYING TOBI-SENPAI!! THESE COOKS CAN'T-"

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME TOBI!!"

"YES SIR TOBI!!"

"TOBI-SENPAI!! AND HURRY UP!!" Tobi yelled.

"I'M REALLY TRYING SIR! THESE COOKS CAN'T GO ANY FASTER!!" Shniz yelled back.

"I DON'T WANT EXCUSES!! **I WANT RESULTS!!!**" Tobi yelled.

Tobi leaned back in his chair with a sigh. "I love being the boss, yeah-" Tobi covered his mouth. "Am I… turning into Deidara-senpai, yeah-" Tobi covered his mouth again. "wait… if I'm acting like Deidara-senpai… then…! OH. MY. GOD."

WITH AKATSUKI

"FHDGKJLBDLDKS;FJASKL;HJH AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Deidara was found running around the room like a retarded orange mask-wearing Akatsuki. "You know, I think there's something wrong with Deidara…" Kisame said. "_Really!?_ You think?" Sasori said. "He's been acting this way since… um… The base blew up. I think there was something in his room… that kept his sanity together…?" Kisame nodded. "Or, he got possessed by Satan." Kisame suggested.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

"He's possessed by Satan." They both said.

"No! You're BOTH wrong!" The leader said, walking in dramatically.

"Well… what IS he acting like?" Kisame asked.

"Simple, Kisame, TOBI when he first got accepted into the Akatsuki." The leader said.

"By the way, what happened to the other 47 candidates…?" Sasori asked.

"I sent them to… a certain pit where you never come back. And if you DID come back from said pit, you'd look grotesque enough for policemen to shoot you on sight." The leader said.

"I thought you said it was because of health reasons?" Kisame asked.

"Well, being thrown into a bottomless pit only to come out welcomed by incoming bullets… is not that healthy. And if it was, it's not recommended." The leader explained.

"And this has to do with Deidara running around like a retard… how?" Sasori asked.

"Tobi is acting like Deidara, and Deidara is acting like Tobi. See? I just got a text message saying that he wants to dye his hair blonde, and fashion it into a large ponytail that's fluffier than COTTON CANDY!!" The leader read.

"Is it REALLY fluffier than cotton candy…?" Kisame asked.

"Yes, because my pillows are made of his hair. That's why he has long hair. So when I need a new pillow, he'll be there to stuff it full of his hair so I can sleep soundly at night Without being woken up by you guys constantly, farting, barfing, blowing things up, and pooping. Oh and lets not forget? -looks at Kakuzu and Hidan- Counting money, constantly and performing human sacrifices when I CLEARLY STATED that is was NOT ALLOWED IN THE BASE, YET YOU STILL DO IT ANYWAY!!" The leader said.

"Pooping?" Itachi asked

"It's a long story, You don't want to know." The leader said, sighing.

"Anyway, what should we do with Deidara?" Sasori asked.

"Hit him on the head with a shovel-"

Kisame hit Deidara with Samehada.

"…or Samehada." The leader finished

"hey his hair IS fluffy…I should get some of this! –raises Samehada- Don't worry Deidara this will only hurt your hai-AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Kisame was flung across the room like a hideously deformed rag doll. "I guess the part of Deidara that loves his hair is still _**VERY**_ strong" The Leader said.

MEANWHILE WITH TOBI

Tobi was getting beaten up. Not by an overworked, underpaid Shniz, but an overpaid, under worked… hamburger.

"HOW-DARE-YOU-THROW-ME-TO-THE-GROUND-BECAUSE-I-HAD-NO-CHEESE!! YOU-ARE-A-CHICKEN-AND-ALSO-A-DICK!!" The hamburger said between hits. "OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO WEAK!! I DON'T EVEN HAVE ARMS OR LEGS AND I'M STIOLL BEATING THE LIVING SHIT OUTTA YOU!!" he yelled.

"You're not a very nice burger…" Tobi said.

"Well I'm not a very nice evil spirit!" He yelled.

"You seem familiar… have we met?" Tobi Asked,

"Well I was the evil spirit that possessed Kisame's sword in Kisame's first few days at Akatsuki." The spirit said.

"Oh, Hi! Nice to meet you!" Tobi said, extending his hand. The hamburger ripped it off.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" Tobi screamed. "SHNIZ!! GET ME A DOCTOR!!" He ordered Shniz, who was just standing there… staring… probably plotting.

_Perfect…_

Shniz thought.

"Maybe we should let him continue… maybe he's doing some ancient hamburger healing method and…" Shniz trailed off.

"THE GUY RIPPED MY ARM OFF!!" Tobi yelled. "NOW GET THE DOCTOR!!!"

Shniz grabbed the phone.

"AND MAKE SURE IT'S NOT A SHADOW!! OR HAS THE INITIALS 'D AND F'!!

…………… AND IT HAS TO BE A GIRL!! WITH… UH… DARK HAIR!!! AND… UH… PALE EYES!! AND… HMMM…" Tobi thought for a moment.

"SIR!! YOU'RE GETTING REALLY PICKY!!" Shniz said.

"WHO'S YOUR SUPERIOR!?" TOBI YELLED!!! I'm yelling too…

"Argh… fine." Shniz started dialing the number.

"OH! AND FROM KONOHA!!" Tobi yelled.

"argh… jeez. I'm surprised you're not dead yet…" Shniz murmured.

"What was that!?" Tobi asked.

"Uh… wh-where'd that … hamburger …go…?" Shniz said, coming out more like a question than an answer.

All of a sudden, a piece of meat came flying at Tobi. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! IT'S ON MY FACE!! ON MY FAAAAAACE!!!" Tobi screamed. "TASTES GREAT BUT IT'S ON MY FAACCE!!!"

"…" Shniz just stared.

"AND WHERE'S THAT DOCTOR!?" Tobi yelled. "WE'RE 500 MILES FROM KONOHA!! IT'S GONNA BE A WHILE!!" Shniz yelled.

"WELL LESS TALKING MORE CALLING!!" Tobi yelled.

Just then… that dark haired, pale eyed girl doctor- known as Hinata Hyuga- walked my seeing Tobi getting beaten up by a hamburger with a whining Shniz by the phone.

WITH AKATSUKI

"So… Deidara… why're you so happy?" Itachi asked.

"My new date… WAS A SUCCESS!! YEAH!!" Deidara cheered.

"So that's why you're running around like a retard…?" Itachi asked.

"YEAH!!!" Deidara cheered again.

"Ok… so … where're we gonna stay?" Itachi asked.

"I know! I'll ask Hinata if we can stay at her place! I'm sure that she'll let us stay! Yeah!" Deidara said.

AT KONOHA

"-WADDYA MEAN WE CAN'T STAY HERE!?" Deidara asked in disbelief.

"I-I'm sorry! It's just that… I saw this weird guy getting beat up by a hamburger and… his whining friend by the phone and…well look." Hinata showed Shniz and Tobi still getting beaten up by the hamburger. "TOBI!!! What the hell are you doing here!? Oh and hi Shniz. Yeah" Deidara said. "H-hi… Deidara-senpai… why is he attacking me!? He was after you before! THAT'S WHAT I PAID HIM TO DO!! … oops." Shniz said, referring to the hamburger as 'he' and referring to Tobi as 'you'.

"SEE!? SEE!? I TOLD YOU!!" Tobi yelled.

"I'm sorry I wasn't listening. Yeah." Deidara said.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Tobi yelled.

"Anyway, Tobi. Hurry up and get better so we can kick you out so we can live here." Deidara said.

"It's not that easy, mind you." Said Hinata's father from out of nowhere. "You must take a journey across the mountains, across the dry deserts, across the HIMILAYAS-!"

"GET ON WITH IT!!" Everyone yelled.

"You go on a life-threatening journey to the light spirit(AKA LS) and go on another journey to prove yourselves WORTHY!!" Hinata's dad finished.

"Wait, wait, wait. So we have to go on a life-threatening journey to find the light spirit, THEN go on another life-threatening journey to prove ourselves? THEN we have to face the even more life-threatening trials!? 'DAS MESSED UP!!" Deidara yelled.

"What's next? We have to wear a huge itchy sweater on the way there!?" Itachi asked.

Hinata held up a thick itchy sweater.

"Oh god…" They said.

WITH DF

"So DF you mind telling us why you called us here?" asked Creed (from Black Cat).

"Yes, fellow villains, it is clear that the Akatsukis are an embarrassment to villains everywhere! Especially the leader!! He should keep control of his subordinates! But most of all …THEY DESTROYED MY HIDEOUT!!!" DF stepped out of the shadows and was actually Xemnas.

HA!! YOU ALL THOUGHT IT WAS SASUKE!! DIDN'T YOU!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA……

HA!

I can't really… update Kisamr's Corner cuz… there are close to no questions for it.

KISAME: IT'S NO LONGER A SIDE STORY PEOPLE!! IT'S A FULL-FLEDGED FIC!!!

SO ASK QUESTIONS ALREADY!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

…please…? For every question you ask… I get one dollar!

ITACHI: That's not how you attract people…

KISAME: ASK QUESTIONS DAMMIT!! GRAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" –shakes camera-

End for now…


	5. The beginning of Deidara's Journey

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

I'd like to own Naruto… but it's not being sold on eBay…

WAAAAH!!! I HATE THIS!! I mean, why do I need to put this disclaimer here anyway!? I mean, it's called a FANFICTION!! IT MEANS "FICTION" MADE BY THE "FANS" !!!!! It's not like the rights to Naruto are gonna pop up on eBay saying "Here are the rights to Naruto now do whatever the #& you want with it!" I mean seriously!!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Chapter… 5! Yeah: Start of Deidara's Journey

_First Entry_

_Dear Journal_

_It seems as though this journey has taken forever… or rather… the preparation for it has. The leader won't come out of the base. Is he that afraid of the light? Anyway- _

"Deidara-senpai… what're you writing?" Tobi asked, coming behind Deidara. He slammed his journal shut. "Nothing! I'm not writing in a journal! Only girls do that! Right Itachi?" Deidara asked, looking in Itachi's direction. "Uh… yeah…" Itachi hid _his _journal in a hidden pocket in his cloak. "Of course they do." Kisame walked up to Itachi. "Hi Itachi-san!" He greeted. "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!" Itachi yelled, kicking Kisame in the balls. "…Why…?" Kisame cried. The leader came out holding a large sack… which he placed on Kisame. "AAAAAAGHK!! WHY!?" He yelled.

"Leader… what's with all the stuff yeah?" Deidara asked. "It's the necessary stuff we need on our vacation!" The leader said. A picture fell out of the sack. "Wait a sec… is this Hinata's family pic-" The leader grabbed it back. "NO IT'S NOT!! IT'S… IT'S… MY FAMILY PICTURE! SEE!?" The leader took a permanent marker and scribbled all over the Hyugas, making them look like poorly drawn shadows. "Awww! Leader! You looked so cute as… a badly drawn Shadow child from Satan." Tobi said. "Tobi!? How stupid are you?" Deidara asked. "uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh………." Tobi droned. "Forget I asked…" Deidara said.

"Mr. Akatsuki Leader. May I ask why you have the entire interior to our house in that sack?" Hiashi asked. "Uh… stealing it…? Yeah! Stealing it! And we're not giving it back! Right guys!?" The leader cheered. "yeah…" Everyone cheered, sounding very unmotivated. "I'll handle this father…" Hinata said, walking up to Deidara, giving him the innocent puppy dog eye look. "Oh… C-come on!! ………….. aw screw it." Deidara walked towards the sack. "Deidara… what're you doing?" The leader asked. Deidara opened the sack, blowing everything out and into the house. All of it landing neatly back where it used to be. Including Hinata's mom.

Everyone looked at the leader with strange looks. "What? It is required that a good cook is in the organization!" The leader said. Everyone looked at him skeptically. "I WAS IN A HURRY OK!?" "Anyways… It its required that if someone…or something… wishes to join the clan then a trusted clan member must accompany them to make sure that the people who want to join don't just goof off and say they did it." Hiashi said. "So… who's it gonna be?" Deidara asked. "Well… it's not gonna be my wife… and certainly not me... I don't like you guys… Well…" Hiashi was deep in thought. "I-I'll go…" Hinata said. "Really? Are you sure?" Hiashi asked. "Deidara's my boyfriend." Hinata said.

"That thing's a boy!?" Hiashi asked in disbelief. "I heard a 'that thing' in there…" Deidara said. "Yes…" Hinata said. "But he's really sensitive about people calling him a girl..." Hinata whispered in his ear. "Oh… ok." Hiashi nodded in understanding… for 5 seconds. "HEY!! GIRLY MAN!! DON'T DO ANYTHING YOU'LL REGRET WITH MY DAUGHTER OR I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH JUST TO KILL YOU!!!" Hiashi yelled. Deidara twitched at the 'Girly man' remark. "Yes sir…" He said. "I MEAN IT!! I'LL RIP YOUR FACE OFF, EAT IT, CHEW IT, SPIT IT OUT, THEN DANCE ON IT!!" Hiashi yelled again. "I get it sir… you don't have to make it so graphic… Let's go.." Deidara said. "I think I'm going to barf… BLEGH." He barfed on Kakashi, who happened to be walking by. "What the hell!?" He yelled. "Oops… sorry." He said. Nobody seemed to notice that Shniz hasn't spoken once in this chapter… or the fact that he wasn't here.

WITH DF- XEMNAS-

"So… It's begun." Xemnas said, looming over a white orb that showed the Akatsukis. "Why are we watching this on an orb!? We have a huge plasma screen in the living room!!" Shniz yelled. "… It's cooler this way." Xemnas said. "PLUG IT IN!!" Shniz said. "fine…" Xemnas complained.

"GENTLEMEN!! I- WAIT… what's Byakuya doing here?" Xemnas asked. "I hate Kisame." Byakuya said. "Welcome to the-" Xemnas started. "If you value that arm you will leave me alone." Byakuya said bluntly. "Geez… anyway, Fellow villains –and Byakuya- Welcome to the… uh…" Xemnas snapped his fingers together. "Uh…" He glanced at some graffiti on the wall. "D.I.C.K. ORGANIZATION!!" Xemnas said.

……………….

"_**WHAT!?**_" Everyone yelled. "Dangerous Individuals Can Kick-Ass!" Xemnas said proudly. Shniz, who was waiting backstage, threw his clipboard to the ground in frustration. "Wouldn't that mean D.I.C.K.A.?" Byakuya asked. "Not if you hyphenate Kick and Ass." Xemnas said. "Now to announce our plan!" Xemnas paused. "Well… what is it?" The Millennium Earl (D.Gray Man) asked. "Umm… uh…" Xemnas said, thinking. "Well? What Is it!? Come on! I'm bored!" Sephiroth yelled. (We ALL know where HE'S from right?) "Umm…" Xemnas said. "You… never had a plan for us in the first place.. did you?" Byakuya said. "Well… no. I never thought I'd get this far… ahahahahahaha…… ha…" Xemnas laughed nervously. "Why are you laughing? It's not funny! I wasted 30 minutes of my vacation in this dump! 30 **Irretrievable minutes!** I hope you have money because I'll charge you one dollar for every wasted minute of my life!" Greed (FmA) yelled. "Can I just give you an I.O.U?" Xemnas asked. "NO!! PAY ME NOW!! On second thought… give me that cloak. Looks nice." Xemnas started taking it off. "NEVERMIND! I don't like seeing you like that… ewww." Greed said.

"This is gonna be a looong day…" Shniz said, slapping his forehead.

WITH AKATSUKI

"Ok… says here that… We have to collect the three artifacts and…" Deidara read. "Woah, woah, woah! When I was there… I didn't do any of that and lots of bad Shit happened." Itachi said. "That's because… you didn't bring the three artifacts." Deidara said. "Well… I know where he is. Why don't we ask him really nicely he'll help!" Itachi said hopefully. "Ok, Itachi. I don't know why you came up with that, but, it's stupid. The light Spirit hates our guts." Deidara took out a tape recorder. "Listen to this." He pushed play.

"_I f$ hate you, you f$ing morons I want to f$ing kill you, but it's against the rules. Now I don't wanna see you're f& faces unless it's really important. If it's not… expect Hell to come your way."_

Deidara pressed stop. "You see? Hates our guts." "So what are the artifacts anyway?" Hidan asked. "There are 10 artifacts. We collect 3 in the first trial, 3 in the second, and 4 in the last one." Deidara read. "Aw man… this is gonna suck. I hate you light spirit." Itachi said. "The first artifact is… the Sword of Death, Shield of Life, and HotDog of Hunger." Everyone was silent. "HotDog of… hunger…?" Kisame asked. Everyone looked at Hinata. "I didn't know there was a hotdog in the trials!" She said.

"Well… what are he next 3?" Leader asked. "The Crown of Heaven, the Boots of Hell… and… the Hamburger of Purgatory." Deidara read. "What's next? The cape of retarded ness?" Leader asked. "Next is the Cape of Retardedness…" Deidara read. "Oh god…" Leader said. "…The Scepter of Light, The Whip of Despair… and… the French Fries of Doom." Deidara read, trailing off at the end. "Oook. This story's officially Fucked up." Kakuzu said. "I know… wait… what are we doing this for?" Hidan asked. "We're joining the Hyuga clan." Zetsu said. "Why?" Hidan asked. "Dude they have a working toilet." Sasori said. "Damn, they do? Well what are we waiting for!? LET'S GO!!" Hidan yelled, running in a random direction. "Where the hell are you going!? We're going this way!" Deidara called.

"Hey… where's Shniz?" Tobi asked. "Here I am!" Shniz said, suddenly out of nowhere. "Where've you been?" Flower-chan asked. "uh… taking a crap for 30 minutes…?" Shniz said quickly. "….. Stay away from me." Flower-chan said, walking away. "By the way, it says that the Light Spirit switches locations every year. And by now… he should be in the Himalayas." Deidara read. "And… is guarded by 3 yetis and a clone of Paris Hilton." He finished. "Damn, Paris Hilton? That lady's a bitch!" Hidan commented. "No freaking kidding…" Deidara said. "You know what I've noticed?" The leader said. "What?" Everyone said. "We've been doing nothing but talking for the past few paragraphs. That sucks." The leader said. "Well… get moving!" Kisame said.

"Says here that… the Sword of Death is in… Orochimaru's castle…" Deidara said slowly. "Oh my god…" Itachi said. "This is gonna be hell." Kisame remarked.

Yup. Nothing but talking for 4 pages.


	6. The Sword of Death

**Akatsuki: Rise Of The Shniz**

I Don't own Naruto

Chapter 6: The Sword of Death

"So… Itachi. Is this initiation the same for all the clans?" The Leader asked. "Actually yes. Only instead of ten little items there's one big artifact. Only it's hard to carry without at least ten other people with you." Itachi replied. "Oh… well let's get this over with." The leader walked up to the door and knocked. Kabuto answered the door. "Hello Kabuto. We understand that you have IN YOUR POSESSION the sword of death which is needed for the initiation for the Hyuga clan." The leader said very officially. "Why do you need to join the Hyuga clan?" Kabuto asked. "We need a good place to stay... And Sasuke won't let us into his house because we… kinda blew it up." The leader explained. "Knowing you I would've thought you were gonna say 'steal the power of the Hyugas'." Kabuto said.

"That too!" Deidara kicked him in the shin. "OW! I mean… we're gonna postpone it until-" Hinata kicked him in the Shin. "AAH!! Oh god… Oh god… I mean… I mean… Forget the idea completely-" Itachi kicked him in the shin. "OW!! AAAH!!! WHY!?" The leader gave Itachi an angry look. "Don't postpone it completely!" Itachi whined. Hinata came over and punched him. "YOU LITTLE-" Deidara punched Itachi. Itachi punched Deidara and missed, hitting Zetsu, who suddenly got into a rampage knocking over Hidan and Kakuzu who went for Tobi out of anger.

_If they kill each other now my job will be the easiest paycheck in the world! _Shniz thought, watching the fight unfold.

"Everybody stop fighting!" Hidan accidentally cut off the leader's head with his scythe. Everyone stared at Hidan. "……… I WIN!!" He cheered. "I WIN!!" Hidan suddenly stopped. "We must NOT tell Flower-chan that Hidan killed the leader." Deidara said. "Where is she anyway?" Kakuzu asked. "I think she was lagging behind…" Hinata said. "Hi everyone!' Flower-chan said, surprisingly cheerful. Itachi suddenly pointed to Hidan. "HIDAN KILLED THE LEADER!!" he yelled. Hidan pointed to the castle. "OROCHIMARU MADE ME DO IT!!" Orochimaru came out to the front lawn, brushing his teeth. Flower-chan ran towards him. "I'LL SHOVE HAT TOOTHBRUSH DOWN YOUR THROAT!!" She screamed. "What'd I- AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Flower-chan started beating him to death with his own skull.

IN THE RVB UNIVERSE

"I have the feeling that someone is dying just like Jimmy died in sidewinder… Ah who cares…" Church said.

BACK WITH AKATSUKI

"HOW IS THIS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE!?" Orochimaru yelled. Once he was dead, Flower-chan looked at Hidan. "aaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

ONE HOUR LATER

With Flower-chan leading the way, Hidan nothing but a head in a sack, and the rest of Akatsuki staying at least 12 feet behind her, began searching for the next artifact… After raiding Orochimaru's house for the Sword.

"I never thought Flower-chan could get so angry…" Itachi murmured to Deidara.

"I know… makes her more noticeable-"

"DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK!?" Flower-chan yelled. "NO MA'AM!!" they said in unison. _I WANT THE LEADER BACK!!_ They all screamed in their heads.

IN SOUL SOCIETY

"Hey! Soul Society!" The leader said. He walked up to a building with a sign that said: "ALL NEW DEAD PEOPLE LINE HERE". _Guess I'm the only one…_ The leader said.

"Hello dude How's it going?" Said the person at the desk. "Vic? Is that you? Hey! Long time no see!" The leader greeted. "Oh Hey! Shadow leader dude!" Vic said. "Hey you still doing that whole Blue/red command thing?" The leader asked. "Nope. Those retarded dude in the canyon screwed everything up. So I'm working here now. Anyways, sign your name and cause of death." Vic handed him the paper. "Name: Leader, Age: No need to know, Height: Don't know, Cause of Death: Decapitation from a stupid teammate." The leader said aloud. "Uh… Ok, there should be someone out back to help you and give you further instructions." Vic instructed. "Well… see ya." The leader said. "Yeah see ya. If you last that long." He murmured the last part.

"Byakuya! Hey-" Byakuya held out a piece of paper. "Restraining order. 80th District of Rukongai. NOW." He ordered. "Isn't that the… slums…?" The leader asked. Byakuya unsheathed his sword, pointing it to the leader's face. "Okay, okay. Just put the sword away…" The leader was about to move the sword. "Don't touch it." Byakuya hissed. The leader walked away. "Oh. And the people there are more animal than human so you're gonna have to get used to it." Byakuya warned. "Just like home!" The leader cheered.

WHEN HE GOT THERE

"Just like… home…" The leader said groggily. The leader found an empty space and sat in a fetal position. "Damn you Hidan… I'm gonna get you for this…" He murmured.

WITH AKATSUKI

"So Hidan…why did you kill the leader?" Flower-chan said in an annoyed voice. "Well… it was a fight and I just went crazy for a second." Hidan said meekly. "So out of all the people you could have decapitated it had to be my b-b-b…" Flower-chan stammered. "Boy friend?" Hidan said. Flower chan threw him against a cactus. "Best friend" Flower-chan said with shifty eyes. "Everyone knows that you and the leader are…" Itachi began. "Shut up." Flower-chan said flatly. "Okay, just saying." Itachi said.

"I know! Maybe we could call Byakuya and ask if the Leader's there!" Kisame suggested, taking out a cell phone. "Where'd you get a cell phone?" Sasori asked. "Stole it from Hinata's purse." Kisame replied. "WHAT!?" Hinata looked through her purse. Deidara grabbed the phone from Kisame. "_I'll _call him." Deidara said, dialing the number.

"Hello?" Byakuya answered the phone.

"Hey! It's me Deidara-"

"I thought we agreed not to call each other again." Byakuya asked.

"Oh. We break the rules all the time. Nothing new." Deidara said.

"I should've known... Anyway what do you want so I can hang up." Byakuya asked.

"Do you know where the leader is?" Deidara asked.

"I sent him to the 80th district of Rukongai." Byakuya replied

"Isn't that the worst oh them?" Kisame said. Deidara had put the phone on speaker.

"Yup and now he's stuck there. Anything else?" Byakuya asked.

"Can you let him out?" Sasori asked.

"I'm not letting that guy within 10 feet of me!!" Byakuya yelled.

"Can you tell us where the Shield of Life is then?" Deidara asked.

"Oh I sold it to Renji. Here. RENJI! GET OVER HERE!!" Byakuya called.

Sounds of a door opening were heard. "What?" Renji asked. "Where's the shield of life?" Byakuya asked him. "Gave it to Rukia." Renji responded.

"Rukiaa!!" Byakuya called.

RUKIA: I gave it to Hitsugaya.

HITSUGAYA: I gave it to Momo

MOMO: I gave it to Ukitake.

UKITAKE: Gave it to Kiyone and Sintaro… but they fought over it. Flew out the window into Zaraki's room.

ZARAKI: I gave it to Yachiru.

YACHIRU: Used it as a snowboard! Then Yumichika took it away! –pout-

YUMICHIKA: I used it as a mirror… but I threw it out because it made me look fat.

DEIDARA: IS EVERYTHING IN THE SOUL SOCIETY SHARED!?

YUMICHIKA: If my calculations are correct, it should be in the 80th district by now…

KISAME: Where the leader is...right?

IN SOUL SOCIETY

The leader was searching through a garbage can. "Oh my god! The shield of life! What's it doing here!? I wonder why they call it the shield of-" The leader suddenly disappeared.

WITH AKATSUKI

The leader popped up beside Flower-chan. "LEADER!! YOU'RE ALIVE!!" She cried, hugging him. Yup, she hugged the breath right out of him. Literally. The leader was dead again.

IN SOUL SOCIETY

When he appeared in the middle of a fight between races of different animal/human souls. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-"

_POP_

WITH AKATSUKI

"-AHHHHH…huh?" The leader looked around. "I'M ALIVE!!" He cheered. Flower-chan was about to hug him again. "DON'T! I know you missed me! You hug too tight!" The leader glared at Hidan. "YOU!" He threw Hidan to that same cactus that Flower-chan did. Right after he got all the needles out.

"Let's move. We're gonna find the hotdog now." The leader said, walking off.

"But what about Hidan-san?" Hinata asked.

"Leave him. He'll catch up." The leader said.

"But he's just a head!" Hinata protested. "HE'LL CATCH UP!! DEIDARA! KEEP YOUR GIRLFRIEND OUT OF MY WAY!" The leader yelled.

Flower-chan tapped her shoulder. "He'll get over it." She said.

"Ok. So where's the hotdog?" Itachi asked. They all heard a chomping sound. They turned to Zetsu. He. Just. ATE. The Silver hotdog.

"Hold. Him. Down." The leader ordered. Everyone charged towards Zetsu, holding him down. The leader put on a surgical glove and shoved his hand down his throat, pulling out the hotdog. "HAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" The leader cheered. "Yay!" Hinata said gladly.

Suddenly they got teleported to the light spirit temple. In a huge puff of smoke and a booming voice, the light spirit appeared. "WHO COMES BEFORE THE- Oh. It's you. What do you want?" He asked, suddenly very annoyed. "We would like to join the Hyuga clan!" Deidara announced. "Why?" LS asked. "For reasons we do not wish to explain." Deidara said. "Fair enough. Ok. Since there are almost 12 of you…" LS began. "Almost?" Hidan asked. "You're only a head. Anyway, Since there are 12 of you, and you need 3 artifacts, I'll split you into 3 groups of 4." LS looked around. The first team is: Itachi, Kisame, Zetsu, and Sasori. Second Team is: Hinata, Deidara, Tobi, And Shniz. Third and final Team is: Leader, Flower-chan, Hidan, and Kakuzu." LS finished. "We're gonna have a LOT of fun Hidan…" The leader said, rubbing his hands together like in the cartoons.

"Team 1: Crown of Heaven. Team 2: Hamburger of Purgatory. Team 3: Boots of Hell." LS said. "How did you guys name these things?" Leader asked. "I don't know! I wasn't there! Anyway, GO! GO! GO!!!" LS yelled, getting them out of the temple.

Shniz walked away from the group and pulled out a communicator. "Sir, they're on the move." He said. "Then so are we." Xemnas said. "FELLOW DICKS!!' Xemnas called. "Stop calling us that! It's embarrassing!" O'Mally yelled. "Ok fine, fellow VILLAINS. O'Mally you lead your group to kill Itachi. Millennium Earl, you go for Deidara. I'm going for the leader." Xemnas said dramatically. "ALRIGHT DICKS! MOVE OUT!!" Xemnas called out. "I SAID STOP CALLING US THAT!!" O'Mally yelled.

"Shniz! Hurry up!" Tobi yelled. "Coming!" Shniz called, running over to Tobi. "You idiot." Tobi said. _You'll get yours…_ Shniz screamed in his head.

* * *

Ah! A good clean 5 pages! 


	7. ATTACK OF DICK! God that's lame

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

Chapter 7: The attack of DICK… god that's lame…

"Alright… according to Xemnas, the black haired, red eyed, asshole is Itachi. Yup, definitely looks like a black haired, red eyed asshole. He should be followed by a blue fish man, A plant man, and a puppet. Quite the freakshow." O'Malley observed through binoculars in a tree. "Wait a minute… How the hell am I supposed to do this without any backup!?" He lifted his communicator. "Xemnas! How am I supposed to take this guy down if I don't have any back up!?" He yelled over the radio. "I'll send you some of my nobodies okay?" Xemnas responded. "I don't need any losers!" O'Malley said. "No, no! I mean those grayish white things that follow me and Shniz around everywhere." Xemnas explained. "Oh right… the little retarded henchmen… Alright, fine, send some over."

Some dusk nobodies appeared. "My god… they're hideous from far away, but up close… they're utterly repulsive… Oh well… Is that a zipper for a mouth? What did you do to these things?" O'Malley asked through the radio. "Uh… they were born that way." Xemnas said. "They were born repulsive?" O'Malley asked. "Born hideous, raised repulsively… Just work with it." Xemnas said. "Fine. Attack!" O'Malley cried, pointing to Itachi's group.

DEIDARA'S GROUP

"Who's pumpkin face?" Road Kamelot asked. "I believe that's the one they call, Tobi." Tyki responded. "According to Xemnas, he's supposed to be retarded." The two watched as Tobi tripped over a randomly placed Ice cube. "Yup. Definitely retarded." Road commented. "What's… an ice cube doing in the desert?" Tyki asked. "Maybe one of them has a drink?" Road suggested. "I'm looking right at them. None of them have any kind of drink." Tyki said, lowering his binoculars. "Why are we doing this again?" Tyki asked. "The earl said that they are possible exorcists." Road responded. "You're making that up." Tyki stated. "You're right. I just want to beat up retarded kids." Road said plainly. "Oh well… let's tell the earl that we've found them and-" "He's already here." Road pointed to the fat –ahem- big man in front of him.

"Hello, Good evening." He greeted. "it's the middle of the afternoon." Tyki stated. "Well… yes. Okay. ATTACK MY AKUMA ARMY!!" The earl cried.

"Hey senpai? What's that?" Tobi asked, looking at the huge dust cloud in the distance. "Oh. It's probably a dust storm…" Deidara said lazily. He did not like being in the desert. Especially in a black, large, cloak in the middle of summer. "No… I think it looks like a fat man leading an army of machine-gun bearing fat people. With weird faces." Tobi said, his mask turning into a huge telescope. "Are there any other weird devices in that mask of yours?' Deidara asked. "Let's see…" Tobi started.

AN INSIDE LOOK OF TOBI'S MASK

TOBI: We have the candy machine (not working) Soda machine (Not working) TV, (never worked in the first place) and.. of course, the telemascope.

DEIDARA: That's TELESCOPE.

TOBI: That's what I said: TELEMASCOPE.

DEIDARA: _Sigh_ I'm not talking to you anymore.

BACK TO THE STORY

"Prepare for battle!!" Deidara called. He readied his clay bombs. Hinata activated her Byakugan, etc. etc… Shniz got out presents…? Everyone gave him a strange look. "What? Why do you think I throw presents at people? That was a clue telling you what kind of Jutsu I use!" Shniz said. "So… what's in those boxes?" Deidara asked. "Weapons." Shniz stated. "SO… you're giving them… our weapons…? You're staying here." Deidara ordered.

"What do I do, senpai!?" Tobi asked, saluting. "Tobi, you run straight into battle, screaming 'HAZZAH!!' distracting them." He said. "Sounds like a plan! HAZZAH!!" Tobi yelled, running to battle. "Okay, while he's doing that, we watch from the sides." Hinata followed him.

A FEW MINUTES LATER

"My god…" Deidara murmured. "What?" Hinata asked. "Tobi's winning…!" Deidara said. "Look!" He handed the binoculars to Hinata.

"WHO'S YOUR DADDY, WHO'S YOUR DADDY, WHO'S YOUR DADDY!?" Tobi yelled, slapping Tyki in the face multiple times.

"Hey! One of the big things is about to shoot him!" Hinata said. The Akuma fired its bullet and Tobi's mask deflected it. "Deidara… what exactly is Tobi's mask made of?" Hinata asked. "Umm… I think he said it was made out of just about every metal in the world. Why do you ask?" Deidara replied. "Well… he just blocked 15 bullets at point blank range… with his face." Hinata said. "So… he's going to… win…?" Deidara asked.

"He might, but you won't!" The Millennium Earl said, swooping down on an umbrella. "Who the hell are you!?" Deidara asked.

"I'm-"

"_What_ The hell are you!?"

"I'm the-"

"YOU'RE THE FATTEST THING ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH!!"

"Will you let me-"

'THAT LAST LINE YOU USED WAS _LAAAAAAAME_!!!"

"WILL YOU LET ME FINISH!?" The Millennium Earl yelled.

"Okay, okay, sorry."

"I AM THE MELLINNIUM EARL!! I WILL BRING THE END OF THE WORLD WITH MY AKUMA-"

"Will you Shut _up!_ My god! It's hard to sound intimidating when you're that fat!" Deidara interrupted.

"Fat…? I'M NOT FAT!!" The Millennium earl said.

"Yes you are! See this belly!? It is filled with fattening foods- I should say all foods… cuz e just about anything has fat in it." Deidara pointed out.

"Well I'm-" The Millennium Earl started.

"No shut up. I've dealt with a lot of fatties before, and you are one of the fattest I've seen. Congratulations, you have made it to the top five most fattest people I've met. In the immortal words of Dr. Cox from Scrubs, 'You are what you eat, and clearly, you have devoured a big fat man.'" The Millennium earl's usually smiling face… cracked into a frown.

"Hey… He made the Earl frown…!" The Akuma discussed behind them.

The Earl laughed, and threw Deidara over into a nearby cliff. That wasn't there before. WTF!?

"THIS WAS MY FAVORITE CLOAK YOU FATASS!!" He yelled. The Earl flew over to finish the job. "I'm not FAAAT-" Deidara had punched a hole in his ridiculously huge mouth. "You leave your mouth wiiiide open man… Bad move." Deidara had a piece of clay in the Earl's mouth. "Here's a present."

"We… can talk this out-"

The Millennium Earl's head blew up. The Akuma behind them with gaping mouths. Deidara looked at them. 'YOU WANT SOME OF THIS!?" He threatened. The Akuma disappeared, leaving in the dust Tobi still punching Tyki. Well… head butting actually.

"Tobi! Stop it!" Deidara called. "No way man! This is my first victim! I'm savoring this moment!" Tobi said , still head butting Tyki. "I think… he's dead." Hinata said. "Actually I'm still aliv- Oh son of a bitch!" Tobi head butted him again, which knocked him out cold.

"Well… let's go." Deidara said. "Oh! Wait, where's that little girl we didn't kill?" Deidara asked. "Me?" Road asked, jumping out of the tree. "You know anything about the Boots of Hell?" He asked. "Oh, these things? You can have them. They don't do anything anyway." Road tossed the boots at Shniz. Road disappeared. And so did Shniz.

IN HELL

"Huh!?" He yelled.

"WELCOME TO HELL!!" Satan greeted.

"Uh… can I go back?" Shniz asked.

"What? Aren't you like… I dunno… dead or something?" Satan asked.

"Uh… no. The boots of Hell... took me here." Shniz said.

"Oh those things… well… okay." Satan said. "Oh, and when you see Itachi, tell him I'll be seeing him in about… 6 years." He added.

"Sure."

"And… my cousin wants to know, dinner on Sunday?" He asked.

"Yeah. See ya!" He waved and left.

IN THE REAL WORLD

"Shniz! How was it?" Deidara asked. "Meh, it was okay." Shniz replied. "Really? You're talking about hell here." Deidara said. "It's not as bad as you thought it would be, really. But then again, I wasn't dead. So I guess he couldn't do anything…" He replied simply.

"You know what Shniz? You're tough. I like that. I'm glad to have you as my new partner." Deidara said. Tobi growled. " Down Tobi!" Deidara said. "grrr…." Tobi murmured.

As the group was walking away, the Millennium Earl's headless corpse regenerated. "I can't believe they fell for that." He said. "Okay, time to wake up Tyki. Tyki?" The Earl poked him with his umbrella. "Tyki? Lord Tyki Mikk, I am ordering you to wake up!" The Earl said. No response. "This is bad."

WITH THE LEADER'S GROUP

Xemnas was searching for the leader in Antarctica. His nobodies were searching everywhere as well. "Dammit! Where are they!?" He growled.

IN HAWAII

"YAHOO!! I LOVE THE CROWN OF HEAVEN QUEST!!" The leader cheered. "Then you'll love what I'm about to tell you!" Flower-chan said. "Really? What?" The leader asked. "Masashi Kishimoto is planning to reveal us in the next chapter of Naruto!" She announced. "Seriously!? Awesome! So I can take off this shadow skin now!?" The leader said. "Uh huh!" Flower-chan said.

The leader pulled at the zipper at the back. "Oh Dammit all! Flower-chan, is the zipper in the back working?" The leader asked. "It's welded shut." Flower-chan stated. "What!? When did that happen!?" He yelled. "Probably when you were sitting next to the fireplace back at the hotel." Flower-chan figured. "Aw… Dammit!" The leader cursed.

Meanwhile, Hidan was tied up to a pole, watching the other three of his team enjoy themselves. "I said I was sorry!! Right!? Oh come on!!" He yelled.

Kakuzu was at the local casino, of course.

* * *

Look forward to Itachi's group in the next chapter! 


	8. Yeah, just Chapter 8

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

Chapter 8

WITH THE LEADER AND FLOWER-CHAN

"Ahh, what an awesome party! I love Hawaii!" The leader laughed. "Heck, I'm in such a good mood, I think I'll take another shot at taking off my shadow skin!" He reached for the zipper behind his head. He pulled it up to the forehead… where it got stuck. "Oh come on!" The leader frantically pulled at the zipper… which broke off. "Ah- Dammit!" The leader threw the zipper out the window… and into Hidan's eye. Who stumbled into oncoming traffic. "God you're lame." Kakuzu said.

"SOMEBODY GIVE ME A FREAKIN CHAIINSAW!!" The leader demanded.

"Hold on, lemme see if we have one." Hidan looked in the closet. "Okay… screwdriver… stapler… crown of heaven… Here we go! Chainsaw!" Hidan started the chainsaw. The leader glared at him. "What?" He asked. "Did you just throw the item we NEED to join the Hyuga clan out the window into ONCOMING TRAFFIC!?" The leader asked. "Uh… yes?" The leader got so angry he tore off his shadow skin. "GGGGRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Man! That HURT!! I've been in that thing for TOO LONG!!" The leader yelled. HELLO PEOPLE! PAIN IS BACK!!" The leader exclaimed. Everyone stared at the leader. "What?"

"You have 2 dozen peircings ON YOUR FACE." Kakuzu said. "That's why they call me pain!" The leader said. "So what's Flower-chan's name? SUFFERING?" Hidan said, earning a hard punch from Flower-chan. "No, Flower-chan isn't allowed to reveal her name yet, but she's allowed to show herself." The leader pointed out. "Sounded so wrong in so many ways…" Kakuzu said.

"I can't find the zipper." Flower-chan said. "Want us to help you?" Hidan asked. "NO." Flower-chan went to the bathroom, slamming the door.

"Yeah, anyway, Hidan go get the crown of heaven." The leader ordered. "Are you sure?" Hidan asked nervously. "Come on… There's not a single car out there. Besides! You love pain, don't you?" The leader asked. "That's just an act! I hate pain! … Not you, of course…"

"GO."

"Right!" Hidan ran out to get the crown. "Got it!" Hidan suddenly got run over by a truck. Followed by a bunch of other cars going non stop. "Right. Kakuzu, you're going on a rescue mission to save Hidan." The leader said. "Yeah. No way In Hell." Kakuzu responded. "Come on, you have five lives!" The leader persuaded. "Oh yeah? Hidan's Immortal and he's now a breathing pile of goo." Kakuzu said. Hidan managed to crawl out of the sea of cars. "Did you get the crown?" The leader asked. Hidan sighed, and slowly crawled back into the traffic.

"Why don't you do it?" Kakuzu said. "…Ok." The leader walked straight into the traffic and walked out with the crown unscathed. "You guys are pathetic."

WITH ITACHI

"YOU GUYS ARE PATHETIC!!" Itachi yelled. With all the Nobodies and O'Malley shooting down on them, Sasori became a pile of wood, and Kisame's Samehada was broken in half. Zetsu was in a fetal position in the cave.

"What's Zetsu doing in the cave!?" Kisame asked. "You know how trees lose their leaves in the wintertime?" Sasori said. "Yeah." Kisame said. "Well… that's why we don't just use him as a Christmas tree at Christmastime." Sasori pointed out. "Oh…" Kisame said.

"Hey. He stopped firing." Itachi pointed out.

"SURRENDER NOW, AKATSUKIS! OR I WILL BE FORCED TO USE… FORCE." O'Malley called. "FORGET IT O'MALLEY! YOU'RE OUTNUMBERED!!" Kisame called out stupidly. "I THINK IT IS _WE_ THAT OUTNUMBER _YOU_!!" O'Malley said. "OH YEAH!? WE'RE COOLER!" Itachi called. "Touché…" O'Malley said. "FIRE!!!"

"Oh crap." Sasori said. Immediately a hail of bullets rained upon them. "DO SOMETHING ITACHI!!" Kisame said. "YOU KIDDING!? I'M NOT GOING OUT THERE!!" Itachi yelled. "They gotta run out of bullets sometime…" Sasori pointed out.

3 Days Later…

_Click Click Click_

"What the hell's wrong?" O'Malley asked. "Out of Ammo." One of the Snipers said. "_sigh_… Well… they've got to be dead by now. We fired at them for 3 days straight." The smoke cleared, revealing a barren landscape. Everything was destroyed except for Itachi, Zetsu, Kisame, and Sasori. "What the- Are you guys repulsive _and_ Blind!?" O'Malley yelled. "No Eyes! Be Happy we hit anything at all!" The sniper responded.

Itachi looked around. "HA!!" He laughed. The Snipers reloaded their guns and pointed it at them. "Uh oh." Itachi ducked as more bullets came towards them.

3 _more_ days later…

"You guys still didn't kill them!? Are you retarded!?" O'Malley demanded.

"You guys still didn't hit us!? Are you retarded!?" Itachi called. "SHUT UP!!" O'Malley yelled.

"Kisame, is Samehada ready?" Itachi asked. "Just one more day." Kisame responded. "Great." Itachi said sarcastically.

"I can't believe you missed them again! Raise your hand if you're out of ammo." O'Malley asked. Everyone raised their hand. Except for one. "I Gots one more bullet. I'm gonna fire it at them." The nobody fired… straight up into the sky. "THAT WASN'T ANYWHERE CLOSE!!" The bullet hit the mountain, causing an avalanche.

"Hee hee…" Zetsu giggled. He was painting a target on his forehead. "… We gotta get him off the mountain…" Kisame said. ZETSU. WAS. GOING. NUTS. "What's that rumbling noise?" Itachi turned around and grew pale. "AVALANCHE!!" He yelled. "Grab Zetsu!" The Akatsukis ran down the mountain and off the cliff. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" They screamed.

They all landed on a floating silver hamburger. "Isn't that the hamburger that was beating up Tobi?" Sasori asked. "It's also the hamburger of hunger we're looking for!" Zetsu said, now sane when the sunlight hit him and returned his leaves. "GRAB IT!" Kisame ordered. Everyone dog piled it. Itachi was still knocked out from the fall. "Hey Itachi, wake up! We found the hamburger!" Kisame exclaimed. "Really? Why is it in a cage?" Itachi asked. "It growled at me." Kisame stated, as the hamburger clawed at them.

Itachi sighed. "Let's just get this back to the leader…" He said.

WITH DEIDARA'S GROUP

"Tobi, why do you have a hoodie?" Deidara asked. "Uh… Hinata-san has a Hood!" Tobi said. "Yeah, but that's a jacket! Why do you have an AKATSUKI HOODIE." Deidara demanded. "Uh… look! The leader! Let's go say hi!" Tobi said.

"Leader! You revealed your face!" Deidara said. "Yeah! It feels great!" "WHY DOES TOBI GET A HOODIE!!!" Deidara yelled. "Uh… Due to Masashi Kishimoto's instructions, I'm not at liberty to disclose that information." The leader err… Pain said.

Meanwhile…

Xemnas was walking in Hawaii. "Where am I gonna find… THE LEADER!! HE DOESN'T HAVE HIS SHADOW SKIN ON!!" Xemnas charged toward the leader. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" The maniacal expression on his face was smashed into the pavement. Because the leader and his teammates were zapped somewhere else.

OK, BACK WITH AKATSUKI

"Congratulations! Your tasks have all been accomplished!" The Light Spirit exclaimed happily. "Thanks!" The leader said. "… And now for the much more difficult and more life threatening trials that follow it!" The Light Spirit said. "Awww…" They all groaned.

"This time, I'll choose the teams… using my _MYSTICAL POWERS…_" –dramatic pause- "Eeny Meeny Miny Moe, catch the Tobi by the toe, if he hollers let him go, eeny meeny miny moe! My mom said to pick the best but she can't boss me around because I'm over 19 I can do what I want AND OU ARE THAT PERSON!! YAAAH!!" The Light spirit pointed at Tobi and an energy arrow turned him into ash. "I'm Ok…" Tobi said. "So pick the Teams, little boy." The Light Spirit. Tobi giggled childishly.

"Okay, Okay. Deidara-senpai and Hinata-san… are in different groups. Deidara-senpai in my group… and Sasori is in my group also. Itachi-san, Kisame-san, and Hinata-san, in the same group." Itachi stuck out his tongue at Deidara mockingly. Deidara's eye twitched. "Shniz, Leader, and Flower-chan in the same group. Kakuzu, Hidan, and Zetsu… are… whatever." Tobi finished. "Well, you heard the kid!" The light spirit said. "But-" Deidara started. "GO!!" The light spirit enveloped the room with a bright light. How cliché. The group was turned into ashes. But still alive. The light spirit took them into his hands and blew them away.

Somewhere far away…

The Akatsukis had regenerated and began their search for their artifacts. "I can't believe we're back to square one." The leader said. He had ended up in Europe. Deidara's group ended up in Africa. And Itachi's group ended up in China. Hidan's Group ended up in Australia. "And just so you know, I don't really know if the Artifacts are here. I just needed you to start somewhere. Happy Hunting." The LS said in their heads. They all sighed.

* * *

So here are the groups.

Deidara

Sasori

Tobi

* * *

Itachi

Kisame

Hinata

* * *

Shniz

Leader (Pain)

Flower-chan

* * *

Zetsu

Kakuzu

Hidan


	9. Chapter 9

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

Chapter 9: The last Artifacts

"'Happy Hunting!' More like CRAPPY Hunting!" The leader yelled. "Okay, I have the others on radio." Flower-chan said. "Good. Tobi, you'll search for the Cape of Retardedness… because I feel you'd be connected to it mentally." He said. "What's that mean?" Tobi asked. "Just do it." The leader sighed.

"And Itachi's group will get the Whip of Despair," He said. "Wait a sec! Why do we get the one with Despair in it's title!?" Itachi asked. "Because I SAID so." The leader growled. "Yessir." He squeaked. "Did you just squeak?" Kisame asked. Itachi sniffed the air. "Did you just crap your pants?" He asked. " The leader's very scary when he's mad!" Kisame said. Itachi sighed. "Yes, SIR." He said.

"Hidan, you're group will search for the French Fries of Doom." The leader ordered. "I'm not searching for Doomed spuds!" Hidan protested. "You do, and you WILL. Now SUCK IT UP!!" The leader yelled. "Yes sir…" Hidan said.

"We will search for the Scepter of Light!" The leader announced. "Sure, you get the safe artifact!" Sasori yelled. "That's right. 'Cuz Unlike _you_, I have things to live for!" The leader said. "I have a girlfriend!" Deidara complained. "Hey! We have something in common! We should discuss this more when you're not dead and I'm alive!" with that, the leader cut everybody off. Everyone except for the leader thought, _We're dead._

WITH XEMNAS

"I have you now Leader! AAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!" He laughed, facing a tree. "Oh god, I'm hallucinating! I've been in this forest for weeks! I need… civilization!" He passed out.

-:- when he woke up… -:-

He woke up to see the leader staring at him in the face. "WHAT THE F''K!?" He head butted the leader. "OW! What was that for!?" He asked, rubbing his forehead. "I HAVE COME TO DESTROY AKATSUKI!?" He yelled. "That's the thanks I get for saving your sorry ass!? That's the last time I do a good deed! And if you're planning on destroying Akatsuki, you're chasing the wrong guy." The leader said. "Say wha?" Xemnas asked. "Tobi's the real mastermind of Akatsuki. Said so in the manga." The leader nodded. Xemnas just stood there Silent then finally said "I just wasted 8 chapters chasing the wrong guy… I shouldn't be chasing the guy who destroyed my house! I should be chasing the guy who ordered him to do it!" Xemnas declared.

"Actually… that was sorta like a freak accident…" The leader said. "I WILL HUNT DOWN TOBI TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH!!" Xemnas yelled. "And… He's not listening." The leader stated. Xemnas then ran off screaming about he was going to kill Tobi. "That'll wake up a few people." The leader said.

"BUT WHAT DO I DO!?" Shniz yelled. "What're you asking him for? I'm your leader!" The leader slapped Shniz. "Oh you'll get yours…" Shniz seethed. "What was that?" Flower-chan asked. "I said… I'll take your stuff to carry!" Shniz replied.

"Oh good. Here." Flower-chan threw a bag at Shniz. "What the hell's in here!?" He asked. "My clothes, my make-up, my bed…" Flower-chan said. "Your bed?" Shniz said in disbelief. "My sink…" Flower-chan added. "Your sink!?" Shniz interrupted. "May I finish?" She said. "Anyway, a sink, a soda machine…" She continued. "Soda Machine?" Shniz asked. "Well, when I want a soda, I'll be counting on you to fish it out." Flower-chan stated. "Fish it out? I'm sure that it won't be that hard to find one-OH MY GOODNESS!!" Shniz had opened the bag to find a whole valley of clothes in there. "HOW MANY CLOTHES DO YOU HAVE!? WE ONLY HAVE ONE UNIFORM!!" Shniz yelled. "Well I need more clothes to last a year." Flower-chan said.

"I bet some of these aren't even ours! Wait- is this a Prinnie from Disgaea!? How'd you get this!?" Shniz yelled. "I found it going through our trash the other day. I thought it looked cute, so I kept it. I forgot I had it in there." Flower-chan said. "Oh. Okay then." Shniz stuffed the Prinnie back into the bag. "NO DOOD!" It protested.

"What don't you have in here?" Shniz asked. "A working toilet. But don't get me wrong, I still have a toilet in there… it just doesn't work." She stated. "That's messed up." Shniz said. "LET'S GO THEN!" The leader cheered. _I kill them tonight…_ Shniz thought angrily.

TONIGHT…

Shniz crept into the Leader and Flower-chan's tent, holding a giant battle ax. He lifted it into the air, about to cut off the leader's head, accidentally wedged it into his back on the backswing. "AAAGH!!" He yelled. The leader woke up. "Shniz, when I turn around, you should be dying. Because that is the ONLY Conceivable reason that you would be waking me up like this!!" The leader seethed. "It is 1:00am in the morning, and I need to be asleep." He added. "Now tell me, are you dying?" He asked. "Kinda…!" Shniz choked out. The leader turned around to see Shniz, a huge battle ax in his back. "OH MY GOD! Where you trying to assassinate me!?" He asked. "No! No… Of course not! I mean… yes." Shniz said.

There was a pause. "I'm so proud!" He said. "What?" Shniz asked. "You are the first person to put my teachings to use! I've tried to get the _others_ to be like me! But they… all went wrong… in one way or another…" The leader trailed off. "How did it go wrong?" Shniz asked.

"Well, Flower-chan and Hidan worked a little _too _well, Flower-chan took the dominant part in our relationship, and Hidan… I don't really want to begin. Kakuzu got the greedy part down, Zetsu reverted to cannibalism, Itachi was basically already evil when I got to him, and Kisame… wets his pants at the mere sight at me… I don't know why. Deidara's crazy, Sasori, also crazy, but in a more controlled way. He also had a phobia of pink haired, green eyed kunoichi. I don't know why. Oh, and Tobi went in a totally different direction. So, to balance it, I fused his soul with Madara Uchiha's. But… that made things, much, much, worse." The leader explained.

"Why don't you just take it out?" Shniz asked. "Well, apparently, the seal is so powerful, that even I can't unseal it." The leader said. "And _Flower-chan_ Is no help at all." He added. "What!?" Flower-chan screamed, grabbing the leader's neck.

"WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY AT ME ALL THE TIME!?" The leader choked out. "You really want to know!?" Flower-chan asked. "YES!!" The leader yelled. "When we were four… back in preschool…" She said. "PRESCHOOL!?" The leader shrieked. "May I finish?" The leader nodded. "When I gave you a flower as a gift, you kicked sand in my face and said girls were icky!" She said. "I WAS FOUR! FOUR YEAR OLDS DO THAT ALL THE TIME!!" The leader argued. "ON TOP OF THAT, YOU DATED ITACHI'S MOTHER!!" Flower-chan screamed. "Okay, she was NOTHING to me. I just dated her to keep our base. In Sasuke's basement." The leader explained. "You cried for weeks! I had to mop up your tears every two hours because no one else would!" Flower-chan protested.

"Okay, I think you're overreacting!" The leader said. Flower-chan dropped the leader and pulled the ax out of Shniz's back to try and hack off his head. "I SENT YOU OVER 1,000 LOVE LETTERS AND REPLACED YOUR PILLOW WITH A SACK FULL OF THEM!!" She yelled. "Flower-chan! ALL of our pillows are sacks with papers in them!" The leader protested. "You trampled all over my feelings for the last time!" Flower-chan started chasing the Leader out of the tent.

Finally, Flower-chan cornered him. "I'M SORRY, OKAY!? I'M SORRY I KICKED SAND IN YOUR FACE! I'M SORRY I DESTROYED YOUR LOVE LETTERS! I'M SORRY I DATED ITACHI'S MOM! I'M SORRY I STOOD YOU UP ON EVERY DATE YOU ASKED ME OUT ON! I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A PAIN IN THE ASS ALL THE TIME!! THE TRUTH IS, I LIKED HANGING OUT WITH YOU!!" The leader confessed. Flower-chan stood there, speechless.

She watched as the leader cried his eyes out. "Are you crying!?" She asked. "Yes…" He said. "You're more of a wimp than I thought." She said. "Don't rub it in." The leader said. "Anyway, that's what I really feel." He added. "Aww…' Flower-chan gave him a big hug.

"Were you really gonna cut me in half?" The leader asked. "Nah, I just wanted to scare the living shit Outta ya." Flower-chan said. "Oh… well… it worked." The leader said. "Did you…?" "Nah, on the inside, I did." The leader stated. "Okay, we had a moment, now it's gone." Flower-chan let go of him and went back to the tent.

…where a horribly bloody Shniz was lying on the floor. "OH MY GOD!!" She yelled. "Oh, are you done? Now, can you get me to a hospital? Maggots infested my intestines…" Shniz said. They spent the rest of the night finding a decent hospital.

WITH DEIDARA'S GROUP

"So, Tobi. Can you tell me why you separated me from my girlfriend?" Deidara asked. "Well, half my brain was zapped, can you cut me some slack?" Tobi talked back. "Did you just talk back to me?" Deidara asked. "NO I-" Deidara punched him. Sasori was about to attempt to wake him up, but Deidara stopped him. "Leave him. We'll use him as bait. Come on out animals! Oh, and if you're carrying any mythical objects like some kind of artifact to gain entry into a certain clan called the Hyugas, leave that there!" Deidara called.

Eventually, Sasori and Deidara fell asleep. When they woke up, they found to see nothing left of Tobi but his mask. "NOO!! THEY TOOK TOBI AND LEFT NOTHING FOR US!!" He screamed. "Hi senpai!" Tobi called. "You know, even though I said I hated him… I still sorta liked the little guy." Deidara said. "Really!?" Tobi said. "I can still hear his annoying voice!" He sobbed. "Is that really what you think? Tobi asked. "TOBI!?" Deidara yelled. "Did you hear anything of what I just said!?"

"Every word! Now come here and give me a hug!" Tobi said. Deidara punched him. "WHAT'D I JUST SAY!?" He asked. "Who are you?" Tobi asked. Deidara punched him again. "Who am I?" he asked. "Ino?" Deidara hit him with the mask he found on the ground. "Okay, I'm gonna ask you again. Who am I?" Deidara asked. "I dunno." Tobi responded. "Who's he?" Deidara pointed at Sasori. "Sasori-senpai." Tobi said. "YOU REMEMBER HIM AND NOT ME!?" Deidara started punching him. "Now, I'm gonna ask again, Who am I?" Deidara asked. "Deidara sempai?" Tobi answered. "Good now who's he -points to Sasori" Deidara asked again. "Al Gore" Tobi responded. "Uhhh… close enough." Deidara said.

"It's SASORI Tobi!" Sasori said. "You changed your name?" Tobi asked. "NO- I mean, yes. I changed my name to Sasori because it is a way hotter name than AL GORE." Sasori said. "No argument here." Deidara said.

"EVERYONE! The Cape of Retarded ness is in… that horribly deadly forest infested with man-eating bugs." Tobi announced. "How do you know!?" Deidara asked. "I don't know." Tobi responded. "Don't you remember? Tobi's retarded, and he's searching for the Cape of Retardedness." Sasori said. "Oh yeah. Where exactly IS the cape, Tobi?" Deidara asked. "In the center, where evil demons are born." Tobi said mystically. "Perfect. Always gotta be in the most dangerous of places." Deidara complained. "Well, let's go. Can't keep the horrible beasts waiting." Sasori said.

WITH ITACHI'S GROUP

"You know, Sasuke hasn't appeared at all in this story, huh?" Itachi said.

Just then, A screaming was heard in the distance. "ITAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCHIIIIIIII!!!"

"Speak of the devil." Itachi said. As Sasuke charged towards them, Itachi threw a rock at him, making him fall over. "THAT WAS A CHEAP SHOT!!" He yelled. Another voice was heard in the distance. "Sasuke! Come back here! Your lunch is getting cold!" It was Mikoto. "Mom! I'm trying to avenge our clan!" Sasuke called. "Avenge our clan later! We're on a picnic! We almost never get to do this!" Mikoto said. "Aw man! See ya Itachi." Sasuke said, walking back. "Yeah, see ya later (momma's boy)." Itachi said. Sasuke came running back. Until Itachi threw another rock at him. He fell to the ground and rolled down the hill to where their mother was. "There you are! Where have you been! Now you're lunch is getting cold…" She scolded.

"Let's go." Itachi said.

WITH ZETSU

"So where would we find the Fries of Doom?" Hidan asked. "Where all fries are born: A Fast Food Restaurant!" Kakuzu said. "But it's not going to be in just any restaurant… is it?" Zetsu said. "We'll just have to search every fast food restaurant in the world!" Hidan declared. "We don't have the time or patience to do that, Hidan." Kakuzu stated.

"I know, we can just get some fries from McDonald's and paint them silver!" Hidan said. Suddenly, something caught his hair on fire. "NO CHEATING!!" Boomed a voice from above. In other words, the Light Spirit.

"U-Uhh… How about we go back empty handed and say we ate it." Kakuzu said. Suddenly, he fell apart. "WHAT'D I JUST SAY!? NO CHEATING!!" The light spirit yelled.

"Why don't we…" Zetsu started. The light spirit growled. "… Go into that temple over there?" He finished. "NO ONE GOES INTO THE TEMPLE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!!" The light spirit yelled. "Then… can we go in?" Zetsu asked. "BY ALL MEANS!! Just!! Just don't… not search for the artifacts and… God I suck at intimidation…" The light spirit said. Hidan, Kakuzu, and Zetsu walked into the temple.

-:- Major skip in scenery -:-

"Are those… the Fries of Doom…?" Zetsu asked in amazement. He stared in wonder at the floating artifact on the pedestal. "No, Zetsu, that's a hat." Kakuzu said sarcastically. "Well, time to get it!" Zetsu said, running head forth into the hallway leading to the Fries. "Wait! It could be heavily Guarded!" Kakuzu warned. Zetsu triggered a whole bunch of traps, all of them missing. "Lucky bastard…" Kakuzu murmured. "IF HE COULD DO IT, SO CAN I!!" Hidan ran head first into the traps, only to come back battle scarred, bruised and a swollen eye. While Zetsu came out with the fries unscathed. "I… I Hate you!" Hidan said. "Hey Hidan, you okay?" Kakuzu asked. "It'll take more than a massive head trauma, internal bleeding, a broken rib, and a broken hip to kill me…!" He said before passing out. "Okay, let's drag him Outta here. I wonder how the others are doing?" Kakuzu said, dragging Hidan's body out of the temple.

WITH DEIDARA

"HELP MEE!!" Deidara blew off a giant insect's head. "OH MY GOD WE'RE SURROUNDED!!" He had run out of explosive clay and was forced to use a shotgun he got off some dead guy. Tobi had become the new insect king for reasons unexplained, and Sasori was being chased by giant termites.

"Anytime you could help with that shotgun of yours would be very much appreciated!" Sasori yelled. "I GOT MY HANDS FULL WITH PRAYING MANTIS' OVER HERE!!" Deidara yelled back.

Just then, they heard familiar background music from Indiana Jones. "Do not fear! Indiana Jones is here!" A fat nerd wearing an Indiana Jones Costume swiftly landed in front of Deidara, striking a victory pose. Without thinking, Deidara knocked him out, took his stuff, and threw him into the crowd of Man eating insects. He grabbed Tobi and Sasori while the insects were distracted, and ran deeper into the forest.

"Okay, Sasori, pick any weapon I got. Except for the shotgun, this is mine! _My precious…_" Deidara said, holding the gun close, saying it in a hoarse voice. "Okay… I guess I get the machine gun." Sasori picked up the machine gun. Tobi picked two pistols. "Hey! These aren't even loaded!" He said. "Too bad. Now let's go!" Deidara ran towards the nearby temple (which was there… when?) Gears of War style. Sasori whacked him over the head with one of Tobi's unloaded pistols. "Stop it!" He said.

As Deidara picked up the Cape of Retardedness. "Senpai!! The Insects are getting closer!!" Tobi called. "Don't worry! Cape of Retardedness! Activate!" Deidara started moaning like a retard.

"What good does that do!?" The light spirit ranted. "I don't have time for this!" He teleported Zetsu and Deidara's group to the main temple.

"What happened? All I remember is beating the crap out of some nerd." Deidara said. The groups gave him strange looks. "Well, you did. Now let's all look at how you're friends are doing?" The light spirit said, turning on a random T.V.

WITH ITACHI

"Itachi!! I've searched every inch of this place! The Whip of Despair isn't here!" Kisame called. "Have you searched every centimeter?" Itachi asked. Kisame gave a frustrated sigh, and started digging again. Itachi turned back to Hinata, trying to hit on her.

WITH THE LIGHT SPIRIT

"The bastard's hitting on my girlfriend!" Deidara yelled. "I can't believe how ignorant he is!" The light spirit sighed. "ITACHI!! YOU'RE STANDING ON THE WHIP OF DESPAIR!!" He yelled.

"Oh? I hadn't noticed!" He said as innocently as he could. Which wasn't that much. "F-U Itachi!" Deidara yelled. The light spirit transported them back to the temple, where Deidara and Itachi had a huge fistfight.

"Now let's see how your leader is doing." The Light spirit said.

WITH THE LEADER

They were being chased by the police because they had apparently stole the Scepter of Light from the Queen. The leader held up the Staff. "Light! Grant me power!!" A bright light shone in his eyes. "AGH MY EYES I'M BLIND!!" He yelled, clutching his eyes.

The light spirit sight, his head in his hands. He looked back at the leader. He was running around in circles screaming "I'M BLIND, I'M BLIND, I'M BLIND!" The light spirit teleported the Leader's group back at the temple. The leader was _still_ running around in circles.

"Leader! Just hold still!" The light spirit yelled. The leader continued. He sighed, raised a fist over the leader, and smashed him to the ground.

"You have all passed the test. Rather stupidly, but you passed, nonetheless." The light spirit heard a chewing noise. He turned his head to see that Tobi was eating the Hamburger of Purgatory along with the French Fries of Doom. "Are you EATING the artifacts?" He asked. "Nope, I'm eating my lunch." Tobi responded. The Light spirit calmly said. "No artifacts, No pass." The leader stared at him. "But we-!"

"NO ARTIFACTS," The Light Spirit got all in his face. "NO PASS." He said again. "But-!" The leader and the other Akatsuki's were transported to the Hyuga place before he could finish.

AT HYUGA MANOR

"So… How'd it go?" Hiashi asked, taking a bite out of a Hershey bar. "Tobi ATE Three of the Artifacts." The leader growled, glaring at Tobi. "I was hungry…!" Tobi protested in a whiny little kid's voice. "SHUT UP TOBI, NOBODY LIKES YOU!!" The leader yelled.

"Hm. So, How many artifacts did you get?" Hiashi asked. "Well… all ten. Or… seven now… since Tobi ate some." Again, the leader glared at Tobi. "Well, the rules of the clan's initiation changed. You only need one artifact now. Apparently they thought that ten artifacts were too much." Hiashi explained. "So we wasted our efforts?" Itachi said. "Oh no, far from it. You see, if you do something bad enough to get yourself kicked out of the clan, you won't be." He said. Everyone cocked their heads to the side in confusion.

"Think of it as a video game. If you die 10 times, in this case, if you do something horrible to me or my family, you die. And that's in both cases." The Akatsukis all nodded in understanding. "In any case, welcome to the Hyuga Clan!"

Hiashi handed them new clean Headbands from Konoha. "They… They actually shine!" Itachi said. "Itachi, are you crying?" Kisame asked. "I just… I was just never treated like an actual human being before!" he sobbed. "Maybe it's because you're a total dick to everyone." Kisame suggested.

"Okay, your new names are… Tobi Uchihyuga, Itachi Uchihyuga, Kisame Hoshihyuga, Deidara Hyuga, Sasori Hyuga, Kakuzu Hyuga, Hidan Hyuga, Pein of the Hyugas, whatever your name is Hyuga," He listed. Flower-chan sighed. "And, house plant #1." He said to Zetsu. "And Shniz Hyuga." He added. Tobi took off his headband. "That's it, if Shniz is my brother, I'm Outta here. Here's my cloak, headband, and ring." He handed them to the leader, walking out the door.

-:- Sasuke's House -:-

Tobi knocked on the door. "Who are you?" Sasuke asked. "I'm… Tobi! Remember? From Akatsuki!" Tobi said. Sasuke closed the door.

Tobi knocked again. "I am willing to take off my mask to prove myself." He said. Sasuke sighed. "Fine." Tobi slowly pulled off his mask to find… another mask. "Well? Impressed?" He asked. "Absolutely not." Sasuke responded. "Huh? Why?" Tobi asked. "Here, let me give you a mirror." Sasuke took the mask and held it up to Tobi's face. "Wow, that's a detailed mirror." He said. "I bet it is. NOW GO!!" Sasuke slammed the door. "Aw…" Tobi headed back to the Hyuga mansion.

"So when Tobi comes back should we just let him back in?" Sasori asked. "Nah, I wanna screw with him first." Deidara said. "He's Coming! Now Kisame, when he comes, you-"

Someone opened the door. Kisame started violently beating the poor guy to death with Samehada. "KISAME!! What the hell are you doing!?" The leader yelled. "That's not even Tobi!" Itachi said. "yeah, it's Neji." Zetsu said. "Did I give you permission to speak, Houseplant?" Hiashi said. "No sir…" He responded. "Then Shut up." Hiashi said.

"Just stuff him in the closet." The leader ordered. "He's coming!" Hidan yelled.

Sasori closed the curtains, opening them again to reveal the group singing Christmas Carols. "Christmas Carols…?" Tobi sobbed. Itachi held up a mistletoe next to him and Hinata only to get hit by a 2x4 from Deidara. The curtain closed.

It opened again to reveal Itachi getting pelted by exploding eggs from Deidara. The curtain closed.

"How long do we keep this up?" Itachi asked, holding a black eye. "Until he cries." The leader said. Just then Tobi started wailing. "Ahh, what a nice sound. Okay, let him in." He said. Kakuzu opened the door. "What do you want?" The leader asked. "Can I come back…?" Tobi asked. "Yeah." The leader handed him his cloak, ring, and headband.

"Hey, where's Hidan?" Kakuzu asked. Suddenly, Hidan came running in, hands full of fireworks. "Hey guys! Look what I found! Lit fireworks!!" He exclaimed. "HIDAN NO!!" A huge mushroom cloud appeared where the Hyuga mansion was.

Hiashi glared at all of them. "So uh… h-how many chances do we have…?" The leader laughed nervously. "NONE. LEAVE!" He commanded. "Fine…" The Akatsukis all left.

3 WEEKS LATER

"Spare some change…?" They asked random passerbys. "Spare some change?" Kakuzu clutched some guy's pants. "COME ON MAN! HELP A GUY OUT!!" He pleaded. The guy kicked him away. He was back to his position on the floor.

"Guys, I just thought of something. Isn't Kakuzu supposed to be like… super-rich…?" Kisame Asked. Everyone looked at Kakuzu, "Hey… what's with the look?" Kakuzu asked. Hidan poked him in the stomach and thousands of dollars poured out of his cloak. "I can't believe you were holding out on us!" Flower-chan said. Kakuzu grabbed all the money, "IT'S MINE I TELL YA!! MINE!!" he yelled. Everyone rushed him and stole everything.

-:- 1 month later -:-

With all the money they stole from Kakuzu, the leader managed to pay for the repairs to the base and get all the furniture back.

"Hey, Kakuzu, we felt pretty bad for… mugging you for all your worth and… wanted to make it up to you. So me and the guys managed to scratch up some money." The leader held out a fist. "How much?" Kakuzu asked. "Um… 75 cents." The leader unwrapped his fist and dropped them into Kakuzu's hand. "Wait a sec… this isn't money! This is a bottle cap, some button from a guy's shirt, and a dirt clot shaped like a quarter!" Kakuzu crushed the dirt clot. "Well, we tried. See ya Kakuzu!" The leader waved and left the room as Kakuzu crawled into a corner and resumed his fetal position.

Next time, on Rise of the Shniz!

The leader makes a new ray gun that increases people's speed, agility, and strength. Unfortunately, it also makes them Chibi and overly aggressive.

Well, that's gonna go straight to hell.


	10. Not Chibi Ray, but Akatsuki cereal?

**Rise of the Shniz**

Due to… (Writers block) um… various setbacks… we decided not to do the Chibi Ray Project and move to something else for now.

Chapter 10: Snack Time

"It always seems like you hate Akatsuki, why is that Flower-chan?" Itachi asked for no particular reason. "It's not that I hate Akatsuki…it's just that you all seem to do something to piss me off, so much so that it's become second nature to me." Flower-chan said

"In fact, The Leader and I have developed a code." She added. "Really? What kind of code?" Deidara asked. "Well, we only use the code when we have to say something secret and we have no place to discuss it." Flower-chan explained. "That doesn't answer my question. What's the code?" Deidara said. "Me and the leader arguing." She said.

"So… whenever you two fight… you're talking to each other in code…?" Hidan said. "I've said too much already. In fact, I'll have to kill you all-" Flower-chan pulled out a kunai.

"GENTELMEN! BEHOLD!!" The leader yelled, holding up a cereal box. "Uh… Leader… what's that…?" Itachi asked. "It is the… AKATSUKI CEREAL: AKATSUKI-O's!!" –Thumbs up- "Now eat it." He ordered.

"But whenever you-" Itachi started.

"EAT IT!" The leader ordered.

Itachi reluctantly took one of his pieces (the one shaped for him) and slowly put it in his mouth. "You know... it's actually pretty-" Itachi found himself inside his own Tsukiyomi. A million Leaders appeared with swords in their hands and… you could probably predict what happens next.

Itachi dropped to the floor, foaming at the mouth. "My god… what did it do to him?" Kisame asked. "Don't you wanna find out?" The leader asked. The others violently shook their heads. "You're no fun… Anyway, Kisame, you're next." The leader said.

Kisame took his piece of cereal and popped it in his mouth. ..And immediately started barfing "Yes, tastes like rotten fish doesn't it?" The leader asked expectantly. "YES!! Oh god…!" Kisame barfed more before passing out. "Deidara, you're next." The leader said.

"T-Tell Hinata I love her…!" Deidara popped a piece in his mouth. A popping sound was heard. "Hey! It's popping inside my mouth!" he exclaimed. "It'll do more that pop!" The leader chuckled. The popping suddenly popped. "Uh oh." Deidara's head exploded. When the smoke cleared, he was covered in ash. "Aw man…" he coughed, falling to the floor.

"Sasori, if you please?" The leader said. Sasori gulped and ate a piece, "Hey this is addictive…!" Sasori continued eating the pieces. "Uh… you probably shouldn't eat more than five…" The leader said. "Why?" Sasori said shoving 20 in his mouth. "Uh… because each one has about 20 termites in them." Sasori froze. "Well, you killed me." He disintegrated into nothing but his heart and head. "Aw man… now I have to put him back together again. It's gonna be an all-nighter for sure… Get him to the lab." The leader said.

"Tobi, you're next!" Tobi ate a piece. "Huh… there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with mine…" He said. "Oh right… it doesn't work on Idiots… try Madara Uchiha." Tobi nodded. He concentrated for a minute, his voice changing. **"The hounds of hell shall have your souls!!"** Madara declared. "Yeah, yeah. Just eat this." The leader handed Madara the Tobi shaped cereal piece. **"Oh alright… I'll eat this, and THEN the hounds of hell shall have your souls!!"** Madara ate the piece, chewing it slowly. "Hm… not that bad- **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHKKKK!!!"** He dropped to the floor.

"What'd you do to him!?" Zetsu asked. "Tobi's piece kills 10 brain cells each time you eat one!" The leader grinned. **"Oh… you may have won this battle… BUT THE WAR IS NOT OVER YET!! I shall **_**retreat**_** for now…"** Madara growled, slowly letting Tobi take control. "What'd I miss?" He asked, looking around.

"Man, Madara's so annoying… Anyway, Flower-chan, eat Zetsu's piece." The leader said. "What? Why?" Flower-chan asked in protest. "Just do it." He ordered, finally taking his place as leader. "At least it's better than hanging around with you guys." Flower-chan ate the piece. Her flower accessory fell off, only to have another one replace it. "Well that was utterly pointless." She said. "Oh contraire! It means that the flower was actually _connected_ to your head!" The leader exclaimed happily. "You're lying." Flower-chan said, yanking at the flower. It wouldn't budge. "You're not lying!" She (almost) screamed. "Don't worry, it'll wear off in a day or two." That didn't help her at all.

She started running around trying to get the flower off.

"We lost her. Anyway, Hidan, try yours." The leader watched expectantly as Hidan ate his piece. Almost instantly he coughed up blood. "Eew! What is this!?" He asked angrily. "These are blood packs!" The leader said happily. "Where'd you get the blood?" Kakuzu asked.

_Flashback (haven't had one of those in a while)_

The Leader entered Hidan's room, pulling out an abnormally large syringe out of his abnormally small pocket. He stuck it into Hidan's stomach, taking gallons of blood from the body. When he was done, he stuck a bandage on the hole. Hidan only scratched his stomach.

_End Flashback (Well wasn't that short lived?)_

"..That explains why I wake up with these bandages on my stomach. I thought I had developed sleep cutting!" Hidan laughed. "Sleep cutting…?" Everyone asked. "It's when you cut yourself in your sleep." Hidan said.

"Alright… Kakuzu you're next." Kakuzu tried to eat his, only to find that his piece was made of metal. "OW! What the hell is this thing made of!?" He yelled angrily. "The metal they use to make coins! And there's a gold version in a randomly selected box.!" The leader said. "What happens when you find the gold piece?" Kakuzu asked. The leader shrugged. "A free Kakuzu piece." He said casually. "Free-!?"

"Shniz! Try mine!" The leader said, smiling (evilly…?). Shniz ate his piece and was immediately sent through a gaping black hole. The leader smiled contentedly, while everyone stared mouths agape.

"Zetsu, eat Flower-chan's piece." The leader said. "Will it envelop me in a black hole?" Zetsu asked nervously. "Zetsu, just eat it." The leader ordered. Zetsu ate the piece, and was surrounded by a cloud of bees. "And you plan to sell this!?" Deidara asked. "Yup!" The leader smiled.

"How about Shniz's piece?" Tobi asked. "Oh, I'm working on it." The leader said. "Why not make it something that makes him… Oh I don't know… reveal he's a double agent!?" Tobi suggested. "Oh, that's impossible." The leader shrugged off. "..Coming from the man who managed to create a cereal piece that envelops you in a black hole…" Hidan said.

A black hole appeared and Shniz came flying out of it. "Where was I!?" Shniz asked dazed. "You were in a black hole made by the Leaders cereal piece." Kakuzu said casually. "Okay… that makes sense." Shniz said, confused. "So what was it like in there?" the leader asked. "It was very dark… and very… scary… so cold…" He started shaking.

"HE'S A DOUBLE AGENT! DON'T GO NEAR HIM!!" Tobi warned. "I know." The leader stated. "So very… wait. If you knew, why didn't you try and kill me?" Shniz asked. "Because you're bad at it. You can't fake being a ninja, you're bad at giving gifts, and I see yo play that little guitar on the roof at nights!" the leader yelled. "It's a sitar…" Shniz murmured.

"Anyways, what's Xemnas' plot _this_ time around?" The leader asked. "He said he prepared for every single flaw…" Shniz started. There was a screaming noise outside getting louder and louder. "IT IS I! XEMNAS! PREPARE TO DI-" _splat!_

"… Every flaw except security glass." Shniz said. The leader shook his head, walking to Xemnas at the window. "Paper Mache wings? I _know_ you can do better than this." He scolded.

"Ever since he discovered that you weren't the leader, he's been a little down. On everything from self esteem to money. Not to mention he got defeated by 3 Disney characters and 3 teenagers. _Disney_ characters." The leader looked at Xemnas again. "For shame." He said, shaking his head again.

"Oh yeah? What's your story?" Xemnas asked. "An Army of well-trained ninjas with _weapons_, Kunai, Katana, Shuriken, they can even summon animals for help. And what do your enemies have? An oversized house key and Mickey Mouse. I think I have a better excuse for loosing than you." The leader said. "Well do you have characters from Final Fantasy chasing after your hide!?" Xemnas asked. "That helps you a little, but not by much." The leader stated.

"Okay… so can I join… Akatsuki or something?" Shniz asked. "Would you like the benefits of membership?" The leader asked officially. "Uh… sure?" he said. "Good! Let's see, you get Dental, Pay, and uh… this plastic Kunai." The leader handed Shniz piles of paperwork, the plastic kunai making him fall over. The papers fell all around him, the plastic kunai (which was seriously sharp) landed right beside his head.

"What's with the plastic kunai?" Shniz asked. "You don't get to use real weapons until you reach rank C." The leader explained. "What rank is Tobi?" he asked. "D+. And he'll stay that way because… well Look what he does." The leader said looking at Tobi.

Tobi had taken Samehada and was about to kill Kisame. "I challenge you Kisame-san!" Tobi declared. "I don't have time to play now Tobi I have a really big headache…" Kisame groaned. "I'm serious!" Tobi said. "Yeah just don't break anything…" Kisame said. Tobi charged ahead and tripped on the table and was flung out the Window.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Okay, now just imagine a chibi-sized Tobi screaming. He's falling from the top of a 10 story building. Whether he's flailing or not is your choice.

"Wow." Shniz muttered.

There was a knock at the door. "Who could that be?" The leader wondered, answering the door. "Shniz… do you know these guys?" He asked, pointing to the 12 people outside his door. "Oh hey! It's the guys from Organization XIII!" Shniz pointed out. "Uh huh. So. What do you want?" The leader asked. "Well, since _our _leader's basically… dead… can we join your organization?" Axel said, carrying Xemnas like a sack. "Really?" The leader asked, surprised. "Yeah, here's our resumes and… Xemnas' will." Axel handed him the papers. "Awesome." The leader said.

"Oh, and by the way, we saw some… orange masked… idiot… flailing and… falling to his impending doom. Do you wanna explain that?" Saix asked. "Oh, that's just Tobi. He'll live." The leader said nonchalantly. "He fell from the 10th floor. I think it's something to worry about!" Saix said.

Tobi came up from the elevator. "Hey leader-sama!" Tobi walked to Kisame, who had fallen asleep on the chair. Picking up Samehada, he pointed it at Kisame. "I shall kill you now, Kisame-san!" He exclaimed. Suddenly, some kind of force just pushed him out the window, making him fall again.

"Hidan! Cut that out!" The leader ordered. "Oh come on! You cannot tell me you didn't wanna do that! He was just standing there! Right beside a wall-sized window! I HAD to do it!" Hidan said, laughing at Tobi's demise.

Tobi came up in the elevator, only this time with a stick in his eye. He (stupidly) took his place by the broken wall sized window. "I CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH OF THAT A DAY!" He yelled. Hidan pushed him out the window.

The leader turned back to the Ex Organization XIII members. "Anyways, welcome to Akatsuki! You now have certificates to be asked questions on Kisame's Corner!" The leader greeted happily, handing each one a certificate. "Congratulations!" He said.

"Leader… this means that there are more people to feed." Flower-chan said. "Well they're nobodies! They don't have hearts!" The leader pointed out. "…What does a heart have to do with eating?" She asked. "… Nothing. Absolutely Nothing."

"Oh, by the way, get rid of the cloaks." The leader said. "But we-" "Get **RID **of the cloaks." The leader said, more sternly. "Well… do we get a changing room?" Axel asked. The leader, totally ignoring their question, ripped off all their cloaks and threw them Akatsuki cloaks. "I feel… Violated." Larxene said. "As You Should be. Now… Battle Stations!" The Leader said. "What battle stations? We just got here." Saix said. "And Against what?" Luxord asked. "Against enemy ninja." The leader stated. "But I Don't see anyone." Axel said looking out the window. "Oh… they're out there alright, they're out there." The Leader said, looking out the same window.

"I think he's on to us…" Random ninja 1 said (RN1 for short). "He's not onto us." Random Ninja 2 said. "He's looking right at us!" RN1 said. "No, he's looking in the general direction of us." RN2 stated. "…he's what?"

"The point is-" A shuriken was thrown at his head, just barely missing. "He sees us. Time to retreat." RN2 was suddenly eaten by Zetsu. "MAN EATING TREE!!" RN1 screamed, also getting eaten by Zetsu. "Hehehe… lunch."

Tobi climbed up the cliff, his cloak tattered and torn, panting heavily. "Hey, Tobi, you okay?" Leader asked. Tobi looked like he was about to punch Hidan, stumbling a bit. "Da… Damn you!" He said. Suddenly, the floor crumbled under him, sending him falling down to the minefield.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" Tobi screamed. A huge explosion appeared in front of them. "Damn. Didn't think it'd work that well…" The leader said. "So yeah. Watch for the minefield. I'm still working on the sign."

"I have a **bad** feeling about this all of a sudden…" Axel said.

--


	11. GAL Global Akatsuki Leader Duh

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

Hey first off, before we start, I wanna say sorry for all the horribly long updates. And by horribly long updates, I mean for putting off most of the work until it bothers us. So, yeah. Sorry about that.

Chapter 11: The Meeting

"We!" The leader jumped into the living room, striking a random pose.

"Are!" Another pose.

"Going to!" yet another pose…

"THE GLOBAL AKATSUKI MEETING!!" The leader picked up Tobi and in the heat of the moment threw him out the window. "SENPAI HELP MEEE!!" He screamed. Then he punched Zetsu out of pure randomness. "OW!! WHAT THE FU-"

Wait wait wait! This wasn't in the script! What the hell!? "Well…" No, no, no, no, no! You threw Tobi out the window! You punched Zetsu in the face! "I-it was sorta a heat of the moment kinda deal…" I like it! Go along with it!

"YEAH!! LET'S BREAK STUFF!" Hidan raked a table with his scythe. "Hey! We were playing poker with that!" Luxord yelled.

"So, what's this 'Global Akatsuki Thing'?" Itachi asked. The leader stopped from his punching Zetsu and straightened himself up.

"Yes, yes. You know that story about that fat guy?" He asked. "Yeah." Itachi said. "That was complete bullshit. But, there was in fact a guy who wanted bacon. And there was really a man who tried to get bacon in Japan. But he was quickly killed and his ashes were spread across the world and that is why it is so polluted. The only good thing is that he was the most fattest and determined person to illegally enter Japan… or at least try to." The Leader said.

"I was born into a sea with FAT GUY CRAP!?" Kisame yelled.

"Yes. Anyway, the real reason Akatsuki was formed… is unknown. But, since it was formed, we have robbed, pillaged, and murdered to the point where the world economy was at it's knees." The leader continued. "When was Akatsuki formed?" Itachi asked. "Psh. I dunno. 20… 30…" The leader started. "Years?" Itachi guessed. "Thousand years." The leader corrected. "We've been around for that long and we still haven't driven the world into eternal darkness?" \

"You had to see the crap we had to work with to understand."

"So when do we leave?" Konan asked. "When you all change into something decent." He cast a disgusting look among everybody.

After they all got changed…

"So, Konan. Which body should I take? The one that makes me look like Itachi, or the one that makes me look like Deidara?" The leader held up different Torsos from his (ahem, huge) closet. "I honestly don't care. As long as it doesn't make you look ridiculous." He tried both. Konan rejected them.

"How about I try Tobi's…" Flower-chan knocked the body out of the leader's hands. "Forbidden." She said, coming out more as an order.

"How about yours?" The leader said. She stepped into the closet and came out exactly the same. "What changed?" He asked. "Nothing. All of my bodies are exactly the same." Konan said. "Uh… okay well I'm just going to put my regular head on and –what the!?" The leader yelled as Konan knocked it out of his hands. It rolled and bounced down the stairs along with the Tobi head. "What the hell!?" Pein said. "I felt like it." Konan said.

"Huh?" Tobi saw 2 objects rolling down the stairs and on to his hands, these objects turn out to be the leaders head and the head of a Tobi robot which mistook for his own head. "Uh…uh… WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! **(What the fuck!?)**" he screamed. He threw the heads in the air; landing on the poker table Kisame and Itachi were playing on.

"So, what do ya bet?" Itachi asked. "Hm…" Kisame wondered, thinking hard. "You know… I've always wanted Samehada…" Itachi considered. "YOU CAN NEVER HAVE IT!!" Kisame took Samehada, about to slam it down. But instead, Pein and Tobi's head landed on the table.

"…I guess Flower-chan snapped." Kisame stated.

"Let's finish the game." Itachi said.

"SENPAAAAAAIIII!!!" Tobi ran down the hall, crashing into Deidara. "SENPAI!! TH-THE LEADER!! HE'S… HE'S DEAD!!" He cried. "Tobi, I'm gonna need some proof before I actually-"

Suddenly, the door to the Secret Akatsuki room opened revealing a headless leader looking for his head. "Dammit, where is it!?" He walked around aimlessly. "Why'd you have to knock it off?" He asked. "I felt like it." Konan replied tonelessly. "Arrgh!"

"See Tobi? He's not dead, he's just missing a head. Which doesn't make sense but…" Deidara and Tobi looked at the leader. "Leader-sama, are you a robot?" Tobi blurted out. "Yes, I'm a robot. Now help me find my head." The leader knocked down a vase. "Just how long have you been a robot?" Deidara asked. "A while now. Help me find my head goddammit!" There goes another vase.

"I know where to look!" Tobi chimed. "Thank you Tobi!"

Tobi lifted up a toilet seat. "Tobi, why are you looking in the toilet?" The leader asked. **"Well you're head's a huge piece of shit, right?"** Madara asked. "Burn!" Deidara said. "I hate you." The leader said. **"I'm Madara Freaking Uchiha. Everyone Hates me."** Madara replied.

"Pein." Flower-chan said. "What?" The leader asked. "You're head's on the table over-"

"AHA!!" The leader yelled, running towards the poker table.

"What the Fu-" Hidan began. The leader ripped off Hidan's head, putting it on. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" He yelled. "Oh, I'm sorry." The leader threw it on the floor. "Hey!" Hidan yelled angrily. "Tobi, put it where it belongs." The leader ordered. "Yessir!" Tobi saluted, Hidan's head in his arm.

The flushing of a toilet could be heard, Hidan's screams of pain and agony echoing through the halls. **"SHIT BELONGS IN THE SEWERS!! MUAHAHAHAHAAA!!!"** Madara laughed evilly.

The leader tried a number of objects for his head. The Tobi head, A lampshade, Samehada, A trash can… In the end, Konan gave the leader his original head. "Why didn't you do this sooner?" He asked, twisting his head on his neck. "I wanted to see you squirm." Konan stated. "Uh… huh." The leader said slowly.

"Anyway, let's get going."

-:-

"Behold, the Akatsuki Submarine!" The leader announced, Hidan's lifeless body sitting beside him. "Uh… why do you have Hidan's Lifeless corpse beside you?" Deidara asked. "Because his head was flushed into the sewers which empties into the ocean. I think." The leader explained.

"Which brings me to my next question, why are we going to the ocean?" Deidara asked. "Because the global Akatsuki meetings always take place at the bottom of the sea." The leader explained. "Wait, wait, wait. Why? And Where?" Deidara asked. "Because, it takes place in Atlantis and no one believes in it anyways!" The leader said.

"So, let's get going already!" Tobi said excitedly. "Yeah! And I already have a map!" The leader held up a map. Opening it he read it over. "Anyone familiar with the 'Land of Tomorrow?'" He asked. **"That's a map of DISNEYLAND YOU MORON!!"** Madara yelled. "Dangit! The guy gave me the wrong map!" The leader said. Flower-chan sighed in annoyance.

"Okay… well, uh… I'm sure we'll figure it out! Now let's all get in the sub so I can shoot us out of a cannon." The leader said. "What?" Itachi asked. "I mean, Shoot us out of a cannon. I mean! Uh… just get in the sub." The leader said darkly. "But-"

"NOW!!" The cannon rose out of the Akatsuki base and aimed for the ocean. Hopefully.

"Now, this doesn't really shoot us to an ocean. It shoots us into a lake that has a tunnel inside that leads us to Atlantis. But it's surrounded by mountains." The leader explained.

"So, you're saying that we're bout to be launched out of a cannon in a barely stable sub into a very small lake with even larger mountains that we'll crash and burn into if our timing's even slightly off? Anyone see anything wrong with that?" Konan asked. "No, not really." Everyone responded. "Ugh…"

"But that's not the way we're going!" The leader announced. "We're taking the express way!" The leader pressed a button that launched them into space.

"H-Hey! Does this thing have any oxygen tanks!?" Deidara asked. "Nope!" The leader said happily. "The how come we're still-" Deidara started. "Plot convenience, my friend. Plot convenience. Shout you're thanks and praise to plot convenience." The leader said.

"Thank you plot conveni-EEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCEEEEE!!!" The sub plunged into the atmosphere and eventually into the ocean. "RIGHTEOUS!! RIGHTEOUS!!" The leader yelled much like Crush from Finding Nemo.

Itachi looked out the window, and saw that about 50 other subs just like theirs were heading towards the same spot. "DID EVERYONE TAKE THE EXPRESS ROUTE!?" He yelled.

The leader's sub crashed into a building, followed by the other 50. The building collapsed to the ground.

"There goes Tower Number 4…" The Global Akatsuki Leader (lol GAL) said, lowering his binoculars. He sighed. "Why Atlantis?"

2 HOURS LATER

"Ugh…" Itachi woke up, seeing a blurred image. "Did my soul get mixed with another soul and get sent to heaven?" He asked the unknown figure. "No, you're… still alive." It was a woman's voice. "I'm alive!" Itachi cheered. "I'm alive…" He said again, sounding depressed. "Oh… what about the others?" He asked. "They're all still alive." The voice said. "Dammit…"

"Itachi! How's it going!?" The leader limped into the room, his arm in a cast. He dropped to the floor. "Pein, you need a wheelchair." Konan said, helping him up. "I can do what I want, when I want it, and get it!" He dropped to the floor again. "I'd like a wheelchair please…"

"So, yeah! Gotta love the Akatsuki nurses!" Pein heard Konan growl. "Ngeeh…I gotta go…" Pein rolled away on his wheelchair, Konan following.

"Akatsuki nurses, huh?" Itachi lay back on his bed. "I could get used to this." Itachi got up and walked out of the room with crutches.

He saw Tobi in the middle of the lobby. "Hey Tobi! How's it going?" He called. "Excuse me?" Tobi asked. "It's me, Itachi." Itachi said. "I've never seen you before in my life." Tobi said. "Huh?" Itachi looked confused.

"Hey Tobi! Over here!" Called an American man. "Coming Jim!" Tobi called. "Jim?" Itachi asked. "Jim, my partner. Go away, _stalker._" Tobi kicked him in the crotch and left.

"Hello, Itachi-san!" Tobi said, "What the…? Tobi!? Then who was- You cloned yourself again didn't you!?" Itachi hissed. "Huh!?" Tobi was grabbed by the neck.

"Itachi stop!" Pein rolled over to them. "Leader! Tobi cloned himself again!" Itachi accused. "No, that was just a Tobi clone that was made by the Global Akatsuki leader." Pein explained. "Why did he clone Tobi?" Itachi let go of Tobi. "Actually, Tobi is a way for the Global Akatsuki leader (GAL for short) can communicate with the rest of the Akatsuki's" Pein Explained. "Then why doesn't he just do that whole telepathy thing that you do?" Itachi asked. "Because he said 'cloning is the new cell phone.'" Pein said in a mocking tone.

"So every single Tobi is just a communication system? But that Tobi seemed smart, why is ours so stupid?" Itachi asked. "I think it's because someone (that wasn't me but I have no idea who it was) screwed up the cloning tank that our Tobi was in." Pein said.

"It was you wasn't it?" "No! ... Yes… I only fell asleep for a few seconds and I fell on the lever and I crashed Tobi's head on the wall. On a side note, I also spilled a deadly gas all over the place and caused the tragic deaths of more than 50 people. But that's not important right now." Pein said very fast.

"How is the death of 50 of your own co-workers not important?" Itachi asked. "Not to mention one of those 50 was my mother." Konan commented. "You _hated_ your mother." Pein said. "Oh yeah. I'm gonna go to the cafeteria." She walked away.

"So, who's the Global Akatsuki Leader?" Deidara asked out of nowhere. "Where'd _you_ come from?" Pein asked. "Yeah, uh… I just saw the Janitor from Scrubs… You want to explain that?" Deidara asked. "Oh, he joined Akatsuki a few days ago. And yet he still has more respect than all you stooges put together!" Pein said.

"That's not true! We have plenty of respect!" Itachi said. "Oh yeah? Hey you! Big guy with the stupid cloak!" Pein called to a huge guy. "Ahem, leader." Itachi coughed. "Huh? Oh! You! Big guy with the fancy cloak that would look better than me!" Pein tried again. The big guy stomped over, looming over them. "Do you recognize these two?" The leader calmly pointed to Itachi and Deidara.

After a moment of silence, the (huge) man shook his head. "WHAT!?" Itachi yelled. "I'M KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD!!" He added. "Everywhere except Egypt." The guy said. "E-Egypt… h-huh…? They have big people in Egypt…!" Deidara said. "You got a problem with that, _little man_?" The tall guy asked threateningly.

"N-No! Of course not!" Deidara stuttered. "OF COURSE HE CAN! HE'S MY SENPAI AND HE CAN KILL YOU IN AN INSTANT!!" Tobi said suddenly. "_Really?_" The big guy asked. "No-No!" Deidara said. "YEAH HE CAN!" Tobi cut in. "HE GONNA KILL YO' MAMMA, GREAT GRAMMA, AND YOU'RE GREAT, GREAT GRAMMA!" Tobi added, getting all in the guy's face.

"You gonna do _what_ to my mamma!?" The man glared at Deidara. "U-Uh… Sp-Spider… sculpture?" Deidara held up a clay spider. "My Great gramma _died_ of a spider bite." The man spat. Before he could utter a word, Deidara was picked up, and formed into a football. "HEY, TONY! GO LONG!"

"Okay, guys. You're all basically Newbies here." Pein had gathered everyone to explain this. "Leader, you still haven't answered my question. Who is the GAL?" Itachi asked. "Look behind you." Itachi turned around, seeing a huge picture of Madara Uchiha. "How did I miss that…?" He asked himself.

"So every time Tobi turns Madara it's actually him talking to us?" Kisame asked. "Yes. And he's very disappointed. Especially with you Itachi. You showed such potential." Pein shamefully shook his head. "Such promise." He added. "You're the one who's supposed to lead us!" Itachi said accusingly. "Look what I have to work with here: A mutated House plant, A failed clone, I don't know what the _heck_ Kakuzu is, A fish man, a puppet, and a whole bunch of guys from a _completely_ different series!" Pein referred to Organization XIII.

"Not to mention my girlfriend keeps beating me up every other day! I'm surprised we made it _this_ far!" Pein complained. "I think we got completely off the original topic." Hidan commented. "Then I'll _get_ to it. Basically, you guys are Tobis here. So don't breathe on anything, don't touch anything, don't speak to anything, and definitely, for the love of god, don't piss off anything!" Pein said urgently.

"Piss of _anything?_" Itachi asked. "There a lot of things that shouldn't be alive in this place. That _chair_ will _eat_ if you sit on it the wrong way." Pein pointed to a chair in the corner. "That's not true." Kisame stated. "Okay, look. Here's a poor sap right now." The group watched as a random Akatsuki sat on said chair. Kisame blinked and the Akatsuki was gone, blood staining the wall around the chair. "Wha-!" He gasped.

"In conclusion, don't do anything that would lead to you becoming," Pein pointed behind him with his thumb. Everyone looked as Deidara was being (violently) used as a ping pong ball.

"How'd they get him that small?" Zetsu asked. "Ray-gun or something…" Pein muttered. "Anyway, I gotta go, see ya." He backed away. "Come on Tobi, we gotta find Konan." Pein and Tobi left and disappeared in the crowd.

"We're boned." Itachi declared.

**To Be Continued.**

In memory of Random Akatsuki #5. (A.k.A. Guy who was eaten by chair.)

Moral: Don't sit in just _any_ chair.


	12. The Meeting and some other stuff

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

WATCH OUT!! THE CHAIR YOU'RE SITTING IN NOW COULD BE IMPORTED STRAIGHT FROM THE AKATSUKI GLOBAL MEETING!

**RUN!!**

Chapter 12: The Meeting… and a whole bunch of other crap.

"Hey… the football broke!" The abnormally large Akatsuki sneered, holding up a… horribly disfigured Deidara in his hand. "Hurt in… places that don't… exist…!" The Akatsuki threw him to the floor, leaving him to… (die) grovel in pain.

The Akatsuki grabbed Itachi by the head and rolled him into a ball. "This is the most humiliating and painful thing I've had to endure…" He said. "What about eating a unicycle?" Kisame asked. "That too-" Itachi was thrown to the other Akatsuki in a game of catch.

"GO LONG!!" The 2nd Akatsuki threw Itachi straight at Kisame. Oh dear. "CATCH ME!! SOMEONE CATCH MEEE!!" Itachi screamed in agony. Kisame reached up, about to catch him, but the force was too great. When Itachi came into contact with his hand, he knocked them off.

And bashed straight through Sasori's chest, who had been behind Kisame the whole time.

Itachi, now a smoldering body in the middle of the hallway, managed to utter one word. "Ouch…"

Pein and Tobi, who were forced to go to the meeting without Konan, felt out of place in the meeting room. Every Akatsuki sector leader had both their Tobi clone and their second in command. Except for them.

"You wanna explain to me… _where_ your second in command is?" GAL asked, somewhat annoyed at Pein's constant antics.

As if on cue, Konan ripped open the door to the leader's balcony. "Where were you? I searched every food court from A to Y!" Pein asked. "Didja check Z?" Konan asked. "No one _ever_ goes to Z!" He said. "Well that's why I was there! No line." She started munching on a burger she kept in her pocket while running on her way here.

"Welcome to the meeting, Konan. You're late." GAL called from the stage. "Sorry, Global Akatsuki Leader. There was a… matter I had to attend to." Konan apologized. "I can see that." He observed the burger in Konan's hand.

"By the way, about my name. Can you guys just call me 'Madara' instead of 'GAL'? It's a little less embarrassing." GAL – I mean, _Madara_- said. "But GAL is so much funnier!" The American Leader called out. GA-_Madara_- Held out this remote and pressed a button. The American Leader's chair smashed into the ceiling.

"Anyway…" He withdrew the remote, hiding in his cloak. "Pein, I have noticed a sudden increase in the ranks at your base, as well as… a much swifter _decrease_. Care to explain?" A microphone appeared in front of Pein.

"U-Uh… yeah. I killed Xemnas and took in his subordinates. I sent them into our basement and never heard from them since. I just marked them as dead…" There was a small silence. "S-Sir!" He added.

"Okay, well… since you were the last to make any kind of contact with Xemnas (Mansex), you will now be the butt of our jokes." Madara said, writing down the words as he spoke. When he finished, he stamped it with an official Akatsuki stamp to make it official. "Damn." Pein muttered.

"Now, everyone point and laugh at his newfound humiliation!" Everyone stayed silent. Madara slammed his fist on the podium. "LAUGH, DAMMIT!!" He yelled. Everyone burst out laughing, making it sound remarkably real. "I hate being me…" Pein muttered. **"Everyone hates you!!" **Madara Tobi burst out.

Madara(GAL) Held out both his arms, signaling them to stop laughing. "Okay." He cleared his throat. "Due to recent difficulties and… destruction of private property… Akatsuki's financial needs have dropped and our diplomatic relationships are… nonexistent. It's nobody's fault _PEIN_." He glared at Pein for a second.

"But I feel it has come to my attention that we _should_ blame someone. I vote for Pein." Pein stood up from where he was sitting. "Why do you hate me so much!?" He demanded.

"Because ever since you _joined_ this organization you've nearly crippled its economy!" He yelled. "Then why didn't you fire me yet?" Pein spat. "We need every single man, woman, and trans species this world has to offer! You, Pein, go under the small insignificant category of… FUCKED UP ASSHOLE!!" Madara yelled.

-:- Outside the Meeting Hall -:-

"So how's it going in there?" Itachi asked, now covered in a full body cast. "I dunno. I heard someone say 'Fucked up Asshole' in a loud scary voice. Other than that, I heard nothing." Kisame said.

"Well, whatever it is, it can't be good if it involves the words 'fucked up' and 'asshole'." Deidara said, rolling by in his wheelchair.

"Hey, where'd Zetsu go?" Hidan asked. "Oh, he's the new football." Deidara said, nodding to the two huge guys playing Zetsu ball behind them.

**Word of the day: Zetsu Ball**

**Definition: Tennis with Zetsu as the ball. **

They watched for a second; long enough to see that the huge guys were violently thrashing Zetsu back and forth with the rackets.

They turned their heads back to listen to the meeting. "Hey, I hear something coming!" Kisame said.

The doors slammed open, revealing a pissed off Pein and a Konan and a Tobi. "Congratulations Akatsukis. You just earned a one-way ticket to hell." He said cooly. "We did what now?" Itachi looked at Konan for an explanation.

"Pein here made a bet with GAL –I mean, Madara-san- That if we could survive Survival Week, then Madara would let us off the hook for all of our failures." Konan said with a shaky voice.

"Okay, that doesn't sound so bad! I mean if there are ten of us, then it should be alright!" Kisame said cheerfully. "Kisame I don't know if you've realized it yet, but down here, We are **POWERLESS.**" Konan spat. "…" Kisame thought a moment. "This is true." He nodded.

A hand suddenly grabbed Kakuzu. "What the-!?" he was crushed into a ball just like Itachi. The guy took Hidan and smashed him into a ball with Kakuzu. "DOUBLE NEWB BAAAALLL!!" He yelled.

"Hey! The violent retard with the newbs in his hand!" Pein yelled. "Wha?" The guy looked at the insignia on the leader's shoulder and gasped. "An Akatsuki Leader!" He dropped Hidan and Kakuzu to the ground.

"Uh… s-sorry sir! It will never happen again!" The guy assured. "I'm sure it won't." Pein responded, enjoying his power.

"Now, here is the equipment required for The Akatsuki Meeting Survival Week." He pulled out a box containing 10 of each item. 

"We have your scuba suits, no air tanks, by the way. Find your own. Um.. night vision goggles, machine guns, uh… crucifixes to ward off demons and… some garlic." Pein laid out the various items in front of them.

"Is the garlic for… vampires?" Shniz asked warily. "No… they're snacks. But make no mistakes; there are vampires down there." Pein said.

"How did the whole 'Vampire hate garlic thing start?" Itachi asked. "I'm sure there was some very epic fairy tale behind that." Pein answered. "But the thing is, one of the vampires was allergic to garlic, and a villager managed to throw a piece of garlic into the vampire's mouth and… he blew up."

"How about the thing about wooden stakes?" Itachi asked. "Well, a retard dressed up as a vampire. He fell off a cliff and got impaled on a tree. A stupid person reported to other stupid people, who reported to smarter people and… it spread." Pein explained.

"What about the whole religion… cross of god… thing?" Itachi asked. "It's just bad luck to piss off god." Pein was getting annoyed with all these explanations.

"How about-!?" Itachi began but was interrupted by a kick to the crotch by Pein. "I would like to get your painful demise over with, thank you very much." He said, loading a shotgun. He handed one to Konan, along with an army wardrobe meant for a muscle headed… woman.

"I refuse to wear this." She said, staring blankly at him. "Happy Halloween!" Pein said cheerfully.

"Now, the entrance to the catacombs should be just under there." Pein pointed to the trap door in the corner. Hidan, who was over exited, charged in. There was a large splash as he hit the bottom.

"Splash? There isn't supposed to be a splash! There is supposed to be a long scream as he falls down into the abyss that slowly grows quieter as he falls deeper and then finally you hear a small sploosh." Pein said. "You've seen this dozens of times, haven't you?" Konan asked.

Hidan managed to crawl back out of the hole, covered in who-knows-what. "You sent me… Into the sewers… just as someone was… taking a huge, diarrhea filled crap." He said through gritted teeth. "Why?" He hissed.

"Correction: Why did _you_ jump into the sewers just as someone was about to take a huge diarrhea filled crap?" Pein corrected. Hidan was about to charge at him, but fell into a trap door leading to the catacombs.

There was a long scream that grew quieter as he fell deeper into the dark abyss, followed by a large sploosh. "That's the one." Pein said soothingly.

"Hey guys, I'm back." Shniz said, appearing out of nowhere. "You left? And I _missed_ it!?" Tobi asked angrily.

"You didn't miss much. Anyways, due to lack of comedic events -and the fact that I need a more important role since my name is in the title- I will explain what I was doing up to this point." Shniz said really fast and taking a deep breath "I went to the medical bay to get a physical." Shniz finished.

"That's it?" Tobi asked. "No. I think I might have a terminal disease…" Shniz said, looking a little sad. Tobi only gave him a blank stare. "IT MEANS I'M DYING!!" Shniz yelled.

"Ooooooooooohhhhhhh." Tobi said. "Wait who gave you the diagnosis?" Pein said "It was a guy in sunglasses. "Oh yeah that's Moe. He's blind. But then again, he's had more cases that were correct than wrong so… you could die." Pein said passively. "Wha-?"

"Back to main story." He handed Konan a harpoon. "Use this when you get down there." He said seriously, the lighting darkening to fit his mood. "The Lock Ness Monster lives down there. Be careful." Konan looked from side to side. "You're talking to me?" She asked. "Yes! Now take it! It's very heavy!" Pein's arm was trembling.

"Now Konan. When Nessie comes close, hit it with the harpoon." Pein looked at Konan with a cheerful – although still sorrowful- look. Then he said, "I believe in you!" Konan looked at the harpoon then at him. "That was the first time you've ever said those words to me in a complete sentence… while sober."

"So wait… you're saying that I've said those words to you before?" Pein asked. "…I'd rather not say…" She said.

"I'm dragging this on too long! Just jump in there and mind-fuck or harpoon whatever you encounter!" Pein said, hurrying them to the catacombs.

"Wait, shouldn't we-!?" He was suddenly pushed and shoved into the tunnel leading got the catacombs by Konan.

"Wow. She's very enthusiastic all of a sudden." Madara commented. "Yeah. That's the first time in 10 years that I've ever given her any words of encouragement." Pein responded. "Isn't that around the time that you joined?" Madara asked. "…Yeah."

"Well, better call some friends." Pein took out a cell phone. "For what?" Madara asked. "New recruits." Pein started dialing a number. "I thought you believed in Konan?" Madara said. "Yeah. _Konan._ The rest are probably walking corpses by now! Do you honestly believe that my rag-tag group of freaks could possibly survive in there?" He scoffed.

There was a silence. "Hey. I heard that the Soul Society has some hands." Madara suggested. "Hm." Pein nodded.

TBC

Not Funny, Not my problem.


	13. The First Day

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

Chapter 13:

"Okay… radio feed is up and running and… we're ready to go!" Madara said. The TV showed Konan fighting the Loch Ness Monster. And winning.

"She's killing Nessie!" Madara said in anger. "30 lives died just to get her in the cage! And this girl's doing it in 5 minutes!" He cried.

"That's Konan for you!" Pein said proudly. "I swear to god, if she kills Nessie, you owe me 30,000 dollars." Madara growled. "But I paid you $30,000 last week!" Pein protested. "Then you pay me $40,000!!"

"D'oh!" (copyright Homer Simpson)

-:- With Konan -:-

"Hm. I already killed Nessie… now what do I do?" Konan said to herself. "I guess I'll explore."

After 3 hours of wandering around aimlessly, she came across a pile of filth that looked like Xemnas.

"Hey. Are you Mansex?" Konan asked. The (pile of filth) man jumped up and started blabbering gibberish. He- It- started running to a pile of his own waste. "TH-THIS IS MINE! MINE I TELL YA!!" He yelled.

"That's… nice to know…" Konan said, giving him an odd stare. "What're you doing back here?"

"Eatin' thesea mushroomsa!" Xemnas said, suddenly dangerously high. 'I… don't think these are mushrooms…" Konan said, noting the eye staring at her form the mushroom shaped… thing.

"Eh? Then wasisit?" (what is it?) Xemnas slurred. "Um… I think it's a-" Suddenly, Xemnas passed out in Family Guy speed. "Oookay."

Konan heard a loud thumping sound and followed it to these two people arguing. One was in orange armor while the other was in red or maroon armor; she couldn't tell. Either way she remembered who they were.

"Oh God… not them… anyone but them..." Konan said with a grim look in her eye.

WITH ITACHI AND KISAME

"I guess we got separated." Itachi said looking around. Suddenly Samehada was shot out of the pipe that Itachi came out of and straight into his crotch.

As he fell to the ground, he curled into a ball and turned red. And not just any red either; really, _**really, **_red.

When he finally recovered, he stood up just in time to get hit in the head by Kisame.

"It's always one thing or another…" Kisame said, rubbing his head. "Oh, Itachi! When did you get here?" Itachi grabbed his collar. "When we complete this mission, I swear to god I will shove you down a toilet and flush you into the sewers!" He hissed.

Oh, Kisame just flashed himself back to where we wrote 'The Family Project'.

"No Claire… stop it! STOP IT!!" Kisame shrieked, flailing around. "Uh…" Itachi stepped back a few steps. He grabbed Samehada and whacked Kisame with it. Throwing him into the river (which was near by) he used Kisame as a rowboat.

Meanwhile, Tobi had the same idea that Itachi did! Except… he had to be the car instead of the rowboat…

"Are you sure… this is necessary!?" Tobi choked out. "Do you want me get tired?" Zetsu asked. "Not carrying you… I meant carrying Shniz!" Tobi groaned. Shniz was standing on Zetsu's plant thing with a telescope and a pirate bandanna. "He's our lookout." Zetsu said.

After 3 more hours of torture- I mean, walking, Zetsu finally called, "Alright, break time." He clapped his hands twice.

Tobi immediately collapsed. Shniz lost his balance and fell, cracking the telescope. "Aw, the telescope broke…" He said. "Oh, it was too dark to see in here anyway." Zetsu said.

"Good thing I can see in the dark!" He added. "Then why weren't _you_ the lookout!?" Shniz asked. "Because I like making you work. Now, stand aside while my _superior eyes _view the surrounding landscape." Zetsu's eyes immediately released a light that matched the brightness and heat of the sun. It burned through the rock wall that was right in front of them.

Shniz examined the wall in amazement. "Holy Shit!" He said.

The horribly bright light disappeared as quickly as it appeared. "Hm. I remember seeing a pile of filth surrounded by what seemed to be mushrooms." Zetsu said. "Tobi. Go check it out." He ordered.

"All the bones in my body are broken." Tobi groaned. Ignoring this, Zetsu jumped on top of him. "Take me to my destination." He ordered. Tobi struggled to struggle across the rocky ground of the cave.

"Who the hell decided to put rocks in a cave!?" He yelled.

"To_day_ Tobi!" Zetsu commented. "Grrh…" Tobi growled, trying to contain the Madara that was itching to take over.

"You're too slow. Shniz! Get over here!" Zetsu called. "Wha-!?" Shniz cried out. Zetsu jumped on top of him, crushing half of the bones in his body. "H-Holy crap!!" He choked out.

"Now go!" Zetsu clapped twice.

Meanwhile, Tobi spotted a chibi Itachi riding an unconscious Kisame using Samehada as a paddle down the stream while listening to banjo music.

"Uh… Zetsu-san?" Tobi started. "Not now, Tobi! You're annoying me! Shniz, kill him!" Zetsu ordered. "My legs are broken. I can barely kill myself." Shniz responded. "Argh… you're both useless!" Zetsu growled.

-:- meanwhile… -:-

"Psh. 'Tobi's the only one who mastered the Chibi-jutsu' my ass!" Itachi laughed to himself. He sighed in very slight happiness. But that was short lived, since he fell over a waterfall.

On the way, he saw Deidara and Sasori.

"HIDEIDARAANDSASORI!!" Itachi yelled to them as he fell down the waterfall. He hit many, many ledges and rocks on the way down.

"Did you hear something?" Deidara asked.

"It was either Itachi, who mastered the Chibi jutsu riding an unconscious Kisame using Samehada as a paddle and listening to banjo music as he fell down a waterfall, or a retarded chipmunk. I'm going with the chipmunk." Sasori said smartly.

"Whatever Mr. Know-it all. I'm going with the _logical_ answer and say that aliens have taken over this cave and have just sent a subliminal message telling us to eat each others' brains." Deidara said. "What?" Sasori asked.

"And the worst part is, they're from _my_ planet! And my Uncle Jimmy's responsible!" Deidara added. "You told me your Uncle Jimmy died 3 months ago!" Sasori said. "I have an Uncle Jimmy?" Deidara asked.

Sasori peered into his eyes and noticed that his pupils were dilated. "Are you high?" He asked. "NOT. HIGH. ENOUGH!!" Deidara said, jabbing his finger into Sasori's chest after each word. He soon passed out.

"I could just push him off the cliff and no one would ever have to know." Sasori said to himself.

WITH HIDAN AND KAKUZU

They were still stuck inside the slide leading to the caverns.

"Move over!" Hidan yelled.

"Why'd we have to jump in at the same time?" Kakuzu asked himself.

"AND GET YOUR SCYTHE OUT OF MY SPINE!!" Kakuzu yelled up at Hidan.

"Well get your _spine_ out of my scythe!" Hidan retorted, sticking the scythe deeper into Kakuzu's back. "AAGH!!" He yelled.

"We wouldn't be in this mess if you and your FAT, TENTACLE-FILLED ASS!!" Hidan yelled.

"Ow. That hurt." Kakuzu said. Suddenly he thought of something.

"Hey Hidan, get your scythe out of my back." He said.

"I thought I made it clear that I wasn't going to take it out when I thrust it deeper into your back." Hidan said.

"No, the scythe is wedged inbetween me and the wall of the slide. If we get it out, we should be able to fall through easily." Kakuzu explained.

"Hm. Nah, I think I like torturing you better." Hidan said, twisting the scythe around.

"HIDAN!! GET THIS SCYTHE OUT OF MY FUCKING BACK!!" Kakuzu yelled.

"HEY!! DON'T CUSS IN FRONT OF MY SCYTHE!!" Hidan took out the scythe and tried to stab Kakuzu with it, but he just merely fell down the slide, himself soon following.

-:- Back with Itachi -:-

"…aaAAAHHH!!!" Itachi finally landed on the hard metal floor, along with Kisame and Samehada.

"Aw man… my radio broke." Itachi said, listening to the last of his beloved banjo music fade away.

Looking up, he noticed two people standing next to a bright light. One was in orange armor and the other in maroon armor.

"Hey, I remember these guys!" Itachi said. Suddenly, a pink thing struck the maroon armor.

"Hey, Simmons! You got some pink thing on your neck." The orange armor said to the maroon armor. "…Is it a snake? Get it off…" The maroon armored man's voice faded as he fell to the ground.

"Simmons? Simmons!?" The orange armor got struck by another pink thing. "Ow." Followed by a dozen more. "Ow!" One more pink thing hit the guy in the crotch. "Ow… Hey look! Bad people… Please don't eat me bad people… bleeeghh…" The orange armor fell down unconscious as well.

Itachi scooted back into building he landed in. "Okay, I can help them now or leave them for dead." He said.

He saw one of the aliens take Griff (orange armor) and one was moving towards Itachi's position.

"Okay. I'm leaving them for dead." Itachi walked away, leaving Kisame behind as well.

Kisame eventually woke up only to find that an alien was standing over him with a gun. "'Sup?" He said. He was shot with a pink thing. "Oh, back to unconsciousness." He said as everything blacked out.

-:-

Sasori dragged Deidara's limp body half way across the cave only to find a pile of filth called Xemnas.

"Woah… you don't look so go-" Sasori started.

"Go away… This is my food!" Xemnas hissed. "Uh… I think those are poisonous." Sasori said. Deidara woke up and saw the mushrooms. "Hey! Those are the mushrooms that weren't really mushrooms that made me high!" Deidara said.

"What do you mean they aren't mushrooms? And how would you know that?" Sasori asked. "Well, for starters, look at the eyes." Deidara said pointing to the cap of the mushroom. Sasori saw 2 eyes blinking back at him.

_Wait a minute… I remember reading about this…And if I remember_ _it correctly, then if Xemnas keeps eating it then he'll… Uh oh…_

"Uh… Xemnas how many of those have you eaten?" Sasori said slowly backing away. "A few hundred, why?" Xemnas slurred.

"No reason, ha ha ha …heh, c'mon lets get the fuck outta here!" Sasori whispered to Deidara. They ran off while Xemnas shoved another handful of the "Mushrooms" into his mouth.

With Zetsu, Tobi, and Shniz.

"Gioh My god!!" Shniz yelled in pain, struggling to keep Zetsu on his back. "Not so easy, is it?" Tobi asked.

"Is this the pile of filth you were talking about?" Shniz asked, dropping Zetsu. "Yes. And to pay you for your services, I will not eat either of you." He paused. "Today." He added.

"Hey, this is no pile of filth! It's Xemnas!" Tobi pointed out. **"What's the difference?" **Madara said.

"Are you the real Madara?" Zetsu asked. **"No, I'm just some program that got screwed up in the making of this Tobi model."** Madara explained. "Wow. Why do I suddenly feel like my life has no meaning?" Tobi asked, scratching himself.

"Xemnas, what're you eating?" Zetsu asked Xemnas. He held up a mushroom. Zetsu suddenly screamed and ran away, grabbing Tobi and Shniz.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE THINGS!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"Finally alone…" Xemnas sighed, about to stuff a handful of mushrooms in his mouth. But Hidan and Kakuzu crashed through the ceiling. "WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP COMING!?" Xemnas yelled.

The second Hidan saw the 'mushrooms', he backed away into a corner. "G-G-G-GET THOSE THINGS AWAY FROM ME!!" He yelled, pointing at the 'mushrooms'.

"What's wrong with the mushrooms?" Xemnas asked. Suddenly he got horribly mad. "YOU GOT SOMETHIN AGAINST MUSHROOMS!?!?!?" He yelled. "LOOK, I DON'T GIVE A FUCKING SHIT AS TO WHY YOU'RE HERE, BUT WHATEVER IT IS, YOU HAVE TO FUCKIN LEAVE!!" Xemnas pushed them out of the entrance until Itachi burst out of the ground.

"Oh great! There's more of you!" Xemnas said sarcastically.

"Xemnas! THE MUSHROOMS YOU'RE EATING ARE PARASITES THAT'LL TURN YOU INTO A VICIOUS MAN-EATING ZOMBIE!! THE TRANSFORMATION WILL HAPPEN AT RANDOM BUT IT WILL HAPPEN!! HERE'S A BROCHURE, HAVE FUN! NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO RUN AWAY IN MY LARGE DRILLING MACHINE THAT I STOLE FROM A BUNCH OF MOLE PEOPLE!!" Itachi explained briefly (pfft, yeah right) before drilling himself out of Xemnas' 'house'. He was followed by an army of Mole people, who also sprouted out of the ground and back in after Itachi.

Kakuzu put a hand on Hidan's shoulder. "You just saw Itachi and a bunch of Mole people sprout out of the ground and go back it, right?" he asked. "Yup" Hidan said. "Oh, thank god, I'm not crazy." Kakuzu sighed.

"Woah, just because we saw the same thing doesn't mean we're not crazy. Heck, I could be crazy and since you saw the same thing I did, _you _could be crazy. As well as **You.**" Hidan pointed to the readers (you).

Xemnas opened the brochure. It read:

**Zombie Transformations:**

**How to make your undead life a living Hell for others**

"Didn't that Deidara guy say he ate some mushrooms?" Xemnas asked. "Oh well. At least I won't be in this alone." He shrugged, turning the page and found a picture of Hinata at the beach.

Suddenly, Itachi burst through the floor and grabbed the picture. "That's mine!" He said.

"BRING IT ON, MOLE PEOPLE!!" he yelled, delving back into the ground.

-:-

All this only on the first day. Hell _will_ ensue.


	14. Uh well hm yeah

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

Previously on Rise of the Shniz…

Cheesy sitcom music begins to play.

"It's _you're _baby, Deidara!" Hinata cried. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Deidara yelled.

"I can't take life anymore!!" Pein yelled, standing on the edge of a building. "Don't jump! You're the only person the government allowed me to beat up! (On a regular basis)!!" Konan called to him.

"Kakuzu, I have a confession to make!" Hidan said. "I _can_ die! I just keep telling people it's useless!" Kakuzu gasped dramatically.

Itachi kneeled beside Kisame's dead body. "WHO DID THIS TO YOU!? (You still owed me 5 bucks!)" He yelled to the sky.

"Shniz, you bastard! You killed Madara!" Tobi yelled. "No Tobi… **I **_**am **_**Madara!**" Shniz said to Tobi. "NOOO!!!!" He yelled.

"This is It Xemnas, I've waited for this moment and now it's finally here: THE DAY I FINALLY GET TO EAT YOU!!" Zetsu leaped at Xemnas.

"Face it, Pein's never gonna come out of that coma!" Sasori said to Konan. She slapped him across the face.

(Pein jumped off a 1-story building and hit his head on a concrete block which was randomly placed there.)

And now, the thrilling conclusion of-!

A staff member came and whispered something in the Author's ear.

"Oh. Uh… Wrong story, folks. Hehe… heh. Moving on…" The author flipped through various papers. "Ah. Here we go."

"Now! Onto Chapter 14! Which is called…"

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

Chapter 14: Zombification and You.

"Hey, Sasori! I just found this pamphlet on the ground! It says: 'Zombie Transformations and You'." Deidara said. "Wow." Sasori said indifferently. "I just remembered something too! The mushrooms that you ate are actually parasites that turn you into a Zombie." He added.

Deidara paused for a moment. "Does this mean I have to cancel my date tonight?" He asked. "I think you have to cancel _the whole thing._" Sasori said. Deidara paused again. "So no sex?" Sasori sighed angrily.

"For god's sake, Deidara! You're about to die and all you can think about is about SEX!?" He yelled. "Hey, still a virgin here." Deidara said. Sasori got up and started walking away.

"Where're you going!?" Deidara asked. "Away from you. When you turn into a zombie, I don't wanna be there to see." Sasori answered, quickening his pace. "Well let me tell you something man-!" Deidara suddenly dropped to the ground, making weird sounds.

"Holy crap! Deidara, you're-!" Sasori started. Deidara stood up and laughed mockingly. "Haha, gotcha!" he said. "Grr… Deidara!"

Suddenly, Deidara dropped to the ground again. "Grgh!" He barfed out this green slime. "Ew…" Sasori muttered. Then, Deidara got up, looking almost healthy.

"You okay?" Sasori asked. "Yeah. I mean, I've been better. But… can't complain. Then again, there's this undying hunger for human flesh." Deidara said casually. Then he suddenly leaped at Sasori and started biting his arm.

"Yeah. Not gonna work, it's made out of wood." Sasori said. "Aw… Oh well. Wanna search for victims?" Deidara asked eagerly. "Ugh… if it'll shut you up, fine." Sasori said.

-:- In the Akatsuki base… -:-

"Wow. All this only in the first two days." Pein commented. "Who would've thought that out underwater cavern gave birth to, not only aliens and parasites… but also that it was connected to the Blood Gulch bases? That's some coincidence!" He said in wonder.

Pein turned around and was looking down the barrel of Madara's pistol. "Uh…"

"You just _had_ to keep asking questions, didn't ya?" Madara asked. "Wh-what!? You told us to go down there!" Pein said defensively. "Sorry, Pein. Tis is the only way to keep your mouth shut." Madara said. "I can keep my mouth shut! For example: I've been keeping the secret that Madara sleeps with a teddy bear every night named Mr. Wuggles for seven years!" Pein said proudly.

"…You're lucky this room is soundproof. Otherwise, I would've shot you. But since you kept it a secret, I'll give you an extra 5 seconds to live." Madara looked at his watch. "So I'm gonna die still?" Pein asked. "Five seconds over." Madara shot Pein in the stomach. He fell to the ground, dead.

Just then, an annoying guy with a ridiculously high-pitched voice appeared on screen. "Hey dudes, this is Vic from the command center. O'Malley's on the line." He said.

"Put him on." Madara said. The screen switched to a man in blue armor. "How's the plan, O'Malley?" Madara asked, silently ordering the Akatsukis at hand to take away Pein's body.

"Everything is going exactly as we predicted, I even managed to hire an old friend to tie up some lose ends." O'Malley said. "And what about the aliens?" Madara asked. "They suspect nothing. They are completely oblivious to the fact that they are merely pawns in a much greater scheme! Muahahahaha!!" O'Malley laughed loudly.

"Shut up! It's a secret, dammit!" Madara shushed harshly. "Oh. Hehe, guess that was a little loud. Muahahaha… Yeah that's better." O'Malley muttered.

"We also picked up some stragglers. One resembles an ugly fish mutant, while the other one is a very scary blue-haired she-devil that seems to stare into the depths of my core programming." O'Malley said, glancing at Konan. "You can eat the fish mutant… though I don't know if he's edible. As for the scary woman- be careful. You might wanna kill her the first time. If not she gets severely pissed." Madara explained.

O'Malley nodded. "Right. You there! Shoot that woman in the hea-"

"And don't bother with the head. I hit here with a shovel one time and she just growled at me." Madara said. "Wow." O'Malley said in amazement.

"Just keep an eye on them. And _shave_ the Fish man." O'Malley ordered to a random alien as he turned off the communication system. "Blarg?" The alien said in question of the last statement. "Just do it. I have something _special_ in mind…" O'Malley laughed to himself.

IN THE JAIL CELL

"Urgh… Oh god… my head… my head hurts… What are those things?" Kisame slurred to himself. One of those things injected something into him. "Oh god it touched me. I feel so violated… Oh come on, Kisame… pull yourself together! You can't let huge massive head trauma get you down…" Kisame held his head and felt that something was missing.

"Ugh… oh god… my… my hair… my hair! Oh god, what happened to my hair!? Oh, you bastards! What're you gonna do with that pink thing!? No wait, don't stick that to my neck-! Oh… they stick it in my… neck… ugrrgh…" Kisame groaned. For him, everything grew darker.

Konan sat in her own cell and watched as the aliens threw a half-unconscious Kisame into the cell across from her. Thank god he still had his underwear on.

"What happened to you?" She asked coolly. "Ugh… I think… they were they were tryin' to piss me off… AND IT WORKED!! YA HEAR THAT YA DAMN ALIENS!? WHEN I GET OUTTA HERE, SAMEHADA'S GONNA BE SHOVED UP SOMEONE'S ASS!!" Kisame shouted hysterically to the aliens.

"And Samehada is… where?" Konan asked. She watched amusingly as Kisame looked around frantically, his shiny bald head reflecting the dim light in the cell. His eyes settled on a faint outline of Samehada being used as a nutcracker.

"THEY'RE USING HIM AS A NUTCRACKER!! THE BASTARDS!! OH, BELIEVE ME, NUTS WILL BE CRACKED WHEN I'M OUTTA HERE!!" Kisame shouted. "That sounded wrong on so many levels." Konan said.

"Hey. They're bringing someone in!" They heard a fellow inmate say. They saw an alien drag Griff (orange armored dude) into another room. The sound of beatings and random 'Blargs' and 'Honks'.

"What're they doing?" Konan asked. "I think I know what they're saying. They're either saying 'Talk, dammit, talk!' or 'Die, dammit, die!' Either way, he's being tortured." Kisame interpreted.

"How do you understand them?" Konan asked. "I have some distant relatives who used similar language. Except it was with 'Blarps' and 'Hones'. They're different sounding, but the same principles apply." Kisame explained.

"Alright… what're they saying now?"

"He's either saying, 'tell us what you're planning or we'll violate you with a broomstick' or 'I saw yo momma on the internet and we…' I'm not going to interpret any further." Another series of honks and Blargs followed.

"Okay, now he's saying, 'The orange one is useless. Throw him out the window'," They heard a window break and a guy screaming. "Now they're saying, 'Shock the balls of the fish man.' … what?" Suddenly, two buff-looking aliens appeared in front of his cell, both holding electric wires.

"U-Uh… can't we talk about this like civilized…" The alien merely cracked the wire like a whip.

"**GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" **

The camera moved away so that you could only see the shadow of Kisame being tortured.

Konan just watched in awe as her comrade was being shocked in the place that no one wants to be shocked…

ELSWERE

Itachi just finished killing the rest of the mole men when we heard a screaming in the distance. "Kisame never stood a chance, huh?" He asked himself. The screaming continued to echo through the cave.

"Hey! There's a very pale Deidara and Sasori walking this way! Hey Sasori and Deidara! I've been looking all over for you guys!" Itachi ran towards them, not noticing the signs Sasori was making to stay away. It was too late however, because the now zombified Deidara leaped at Itachi, all mouths chomping and hungry.

WITH ZETSU

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Zetsu was still screaming even though they stopped to rest from running from the seemingly harmless mushrooms. "Zetsu-san! Stop screaming! We've already ran 12 miles in 7 minutes! I think we're far enough from the evil mushrooms!" Tobi was cut off by Zetsu. "I'm not done yet." He said.

Zetsu took in a huge breath and screamed at the top of his lungs, causing an earth-shattering rumble.

--

"Alright, once we kill all the Akatsukis and turn them into zombie slaves, we'll-!" O'Mally was going over the plans of taking over the world when he heard a large scream. "What was that?" He asked

--

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA –gasp- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Zetsu yelled. When he stopped, Tobi held up a finger to say something, but was cut off by Zetsu screaming once again.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH –choke and gags- HAH!!" Zetsu spat out a huge loogie the size of Tobi's fist. It landed in front of Shniz. "Oh my god…" He started poking it with a stick. "Isn't that the strangest thing you ever saw… You were doing this the whole time?" He asked.

"Well, when I was running, I found a loogie in my throat and tried to hack it out by screaming." Zetsu said, pounding lightly on his chest. "All better now."

"So what were the mushrooms?" Tobi asked. "They're parasites that turn their host into zombies. They hunger for human flesh, and after the first 24 hours, chocolate." Zetsu explained.

"Okay… why chocolate?" Tobi asked. "Psh. It's chocolate. _Everybody_ wants it." Zetsu said.

WITH HIDAN AND KAKUZU

"Come on, eat it!" Kakuzu yelled. "NO! NEVER!!" Hidan refused, inching away from the mushroom that Kakuzu was forcing him to eat. "EAT IT!!" He yelled again. "SHUT UP!! I'M NOT EATING IT!"

"Oh god, I love this power! EAT IT!!" The mushroom sprouted eyes and bit Kakuzu. "Ow! What the hell!?" Kakuzu destroyed it with his tentacle. "Ha! Eat that, you little bastard!" he taunted.

Hidan scooted back. "What's the matter?" Kakuzu asked.

"That mushroom just bit you. You will now turn into a zombie!" Hidan said.

"Hidan, I'm already a zombie." Kakuzu said. "Always have been, for the past 3 or… 4… 4,000 years? I'm still young!" Hidan gave him a blank stare. "Anyway, let's go find the others and get out of this hell-hole…" Kakuzu muttered, walking away.

WITH ITACHI

"Hey why isn't my bite turning you into a zombie?" Deidara asked still gnawing on Itachi's cloak. "Maybe it's because you're not biting hard enough." Itachi said. "Ah." Deidara started biting harder on Itachi's arm. "Why are you helping him!?" Sasori asked. "'Cuz I know it won't work." Itachi said.

Deidara gave up. "You're flesh is too tough for me. GET FATTER!!" He yelled. "Uh… No." Itachi said. "Well, I'm outta ideas." Deidara said, sitting down on a nearby rock.

"Doesn't that hurt?" Sasori asked. "Oh yes, very much." Itachi said. "Oh, and Deidara, your bits don't affect me because parasite zombie viruses can only spread from the parasite; not the bites." Itachi explained. "Aw man… and I was hoping to turn Hinata into a zombie so we could continue our relationship…" Deidara whined. "Really?" Sasori asked. "_No!_ I'd never turn the only woman I actually have feelings for (when sober) into a zombie! I'd ask her first." Deidara said. "Hm. Okay. Are you going to ask her?" Sasori asked. "Nah, she'd say no." There was a moment of silence.

"Well, there's always the option of turning you into a human." Itachi said. "Yeah. How're we gonna do that? As far as we know, there's no cure for this thing!" Deidara asked. "No _medical_cure. But maybe we could issue the help of… the Light Spirit!" Itachi said hopefully. "There are a couple problems with your plan, Itachi. 1: The Light Spirit hates our guts. 2: We have destroyed everything he held dear, and 3: Destroying everything he held dear _caused_ him to hate us. And 4: We don't know where he is." Sasori said.

"Actually, I do. And I was about to tell you guys before Deidara decided to feast on my arm. He's over that cliff." Everyone turned towards the cliff and saw a peaceful meadow filled with cuddly creatures. On a nearby hill, there was a small cottage and the Light Spirit sitting on a lawn chair reading a book.

And in front of it they saw a horribly contaminated lake that had a river running down into the cave.

"Oh, I see. The lake is… actually the Light Spirit's toilet… system. Great." Itachi said. "And I made Kisame sail through that face first. Hehe, wait till I tell him that. Face'll be priceless when I tell him that lol…" Itachi laughed to himself.

-:- With Kisame -:-

Kisame fell with a thud on the ground as the aliens left.

"You okay, Kisame?" Konan called to him.

"They shaved me bald, used my sword as a nutcracker, _violated me _with a _broomstick_, and shocked my balls until I screamed – literally- like a baby, who had its umbilical cord shoved halfway down its throat. I am _not_ okay in _any_ sense of the word." Kisame said, lying on the ground. "Hm. So, do you have an escape plan?" Konan asked. "None. You?" Kisame asked. "Yes." There was a moment of silence. "Well?" Kisame asked. "Well what?" Konan said. "Aren't you gonna tell me what that plan is?"

"…It'd be more painful for you if I don't tell you." Konan said. "What do you mean?" Kisame asked. "You'll find out in a few minutes."

-:-

Through a series of grueling events that are too long (or too boring) to describe, Itachi, Zombie Deidara, and Sasori waded to the Light Spirit's little… shack.

"Light Spirit!" Itachi performed a hand gesture that succeeded in socking Deidara in the face. "I call upon you for your services!!" Itachi beckoned, flailing his arms, hitting both Sasori and Deidara. Immediately a large storm cloud formed above them, lightning exploding from the sky. It hit many objects and set them on fire, including Deidara and Sasori, who were running around like idiots trying to avoid it. "I have skillz." Itachi said in awe, looking at his hands.

The Lights Spirit eventually walked out to his porch, making all the clouds and lightning disappear. "WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS!? I WAS SLEEPING!!" He jumped from the porch and landed right in front of Itachi… and landing on top of Sasori and Deidara. (Just isn't their day, is it?)

"WHO DARES INVOKE THE NAME OF…" The Light Spirit saw Itachi. "Oh. It's you. Whaddaya want now?" he spat. "Well, first of all, I'd like you to get off my friends. They're wedged In your cleats. I dunno why you wear cleats when sleeping, but… yeah." Itachi said.

The Light Spirit scraped off Deidara and Sasori from his shoes. "Anything else So you can get off my property?" he asked. "Can you fix my friend? He's a zombie and… he wants to turn back to human for the sake of his girlfriend." Itachi explained. "Hm. I'd have to contact the head Spirit and ask for the whereabouts of the Zombie Spirit." The Light Spirit said. "How long will that take?" Itachi asked. "Two or three years." The LS said. "YEARS!?" Deidara yelled. "Yeah. And the healing process takes even longer.

"You're crazy!" Deidara was immediately squashed by the Light Spirit's cleats. "And _you're_ stuck to the bottom of my sleeping cleats until the chapter's over!" He heard Deidara mutter 'So much pain…'

Itachi spoke up. "Well… is there any other way?" he asked. "Well, I could heal your friend behind the head Spirit's back and take you home… But you have to give me something in return." The Light Spirit said. "What do you want?"

"What do you got?"

"Uh… All the power in the world!" Itachi said dramatically. "Got it." The Light Spirit said. " The entire first season of Lost?" Itachi asked. "Got it?"

"A Microphone used my Carlos Mencia?"

"Tempting. What else you got?"

Itachi pulled something out of Sasori's pocket. "Sasori's Legendary version of Halo 3?" he offered. The Light Spirit grabbed the game. "Deal." He said quickly. "Hey! That's mine-!" Sasori was crushed under the Light Spirit's cleat as well. "You too shall be crushed under my cleats until the end of the chapter." He said.

"Now then, what do you need me to do first?" The Light Spirit asked. "Uh… turn my friend Deidara into a human." Itachi said. "Alright." Without lifting his foot, the Light Spirit turned Deidara back into a human. He was still under the Light Spirit's cleat.

"Oh, thank god. Back to good old-fashioned- OH DEAR GOD!! THIS HURTS A LOT MORE THAN IT DID WHEN I WAS A ZOMBIE!! OH MAN!! OH JEEZ, THE PAIN JUST CAME RUSHING IN LIKE A _PAIN TSUNAMI!!_ OH MY GOD!!" Deidara yelled.

"Anything else?" The Light Spirit asked. "Whaddaya mean?" Itachi asked. "This Halo 3 legendary edition demands 3 wishes for me to grant. And you just used one." The Light Spirit asked. "Well, what do I wish for?" Itachi asked. "Whatever it is, make it quick. My soap opera's gonna be on in a few minutes." The LS looked at his watch.

Itachi thought a moment. "How about you tell me where my friends are." He said. "Wish granted."

The Light Spirit registred the whole cave. "The plant man, orange masked retard, and the new guy are sitting around in a random location not doing much. Same can be said about the foul-mouthed zealot and the money obsessed human spool of thread. And your fish-mutant can be found bald and depressed inside a prison cell that is next to a scary blue haired woman. And your leader is floating lifeless in the ocean, possibly about to be eaten by sharks due to all the blood loss." He said.

"What's your third wish?" The Light Spirit asked. "Uh… 3 more wishes!" Itachi said, feeling smart. "D'oh!" The LS slapped his forehead. "Ugh… I hoped you wouldn't do that… fine! What's your fourth wish?" The LS asked angrily. "I wish for you to release my friend from his captors."

"Which one?" The LS asked. "Both." Itachi said. "That counts as 2 wishes because I hate you so much." The LS hissed. He grabbed Itachi and placed him on his shoulder, walking towards the Alien base… thing.

WITH O'MALLEY

"What. Is. That. NOISE!?" O'Malley asked angrily. He was holding Doc, Sister, and Tucker's baby, Junior, hostage. (Watch RvB to know who these characters are.) He looked out the window to see a bright light approaching.

WITH KONAN AND KISAME

"What's that rumbling noise?" Kisame asked, drawing crudely drawn hairs on his head with a crushed blueberry. "My escape plan." Konan said, grinning.

**DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUNNN!!! **

**Tobi: Dun. :D**


	15. THISH ISH WAR

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

Happy New Years… fishpastries.

Chapter 15

"…THAT'S YOUR ESCAPE PLAN!? The Light Spirit? He hates us!" Kisame asked. "Yup." Konan said flatly. "Really? You knew that the minute we landed, we would be tortured beyond all limits and then be rescued by the Light Spirit, Itachi, Deidara, and Sasori? You saw that coming?" Kisame said. "Didn't we all?" Konan asked. "… Yeah… sure-"

Suddenly (or not so suddenly) the Light Spirit crashed through Kisame's cell. "Hey, Dipshits. I'm here to rescue ya." The Light Spirit said. "Yay!" Kisame yelled. "Don't 'Yay' yet man. I'm carrying you all under the soles of my cleats." The Light Spirit stepped on Kisame. "SO… MUCH… PAIN…" he choked out. The Light Spirit brought his foot over Konan, but stopped when she began to speak. "I know you're not planning to put that foot down on me." She said. "Uh… okay… since I can't harm you physically, I'll harm you emotionally. You're boyfriend's dead." The Light Spirit said.

Konan was silent for a while. "Hello?" The Light Spirit waved a hand in front of Konan's face. Her eye just twitched. "…Okay… You can ride on my shoulder." The Light Spirit picked Konan up and placed her on his shoulder next to Itachi. "What're you doing?" he asked. "When Konan finally snaps under depression, I want you to be the first one to suffer." The Light Spirit said.

"It's okay, Konan. I'm sure he died a (relatively) painless death." The Light Spirit said, trying to cheer her up. She just sat down. "Wow. She must really be depressed." Itachi commented. "Yeah, well, someone you've spent your entire life with – and I mean _entire life_ with, dying on you can do this to a person." The Light Spirit said. "Well, my next wish is for all the Akatsukis to come here so we don't have to go around gathering them." Itachi said. "Done." The Light Spirit snapped his fingers.

After a minute, nothing happened. "Where are they?" Itachi asked. "In one of my hands. Choose the wrong one, and the hand they're really in gets crushed." The Light Spirit explained. Immediately, Itachi heard pleas of help from the left hand. He deliberately chose right. "Ha! It's the left hand!" The Light Spirit squeezed his left hand as hard as he could. When he opened his hand, everyone had their bones broken.

"Where's Tobi?" Itachi asked. Suddenly, Tobi shot out of the Light Spirit's hand like a spring. "I survived by shoving myself under my mask!" He announced proudly. There was a short silence, then Itachi said, "Kill him." The Light Spirit crushed Tobi under his finger.

"Oh that felt good. As a token of my appreciation, I'll let you have one more wish." The Light Spirit said happily. "Thanks, I am a little bit hungry-" Konan shoved him off of The Light Spirit's shoulder. "Can you bring Pein back to life?" Konan demanded. "Not right away, but I can bring him here." Immediately the Light Spirit zapped a hole in the ceiling of the cave and all the water above came rushing in. Pein shot out of the hole and stopped the water from coming in.

"Aw man, he's clogging it up. Anyone have some kind of sharp object I can use?" The Light Spirit asked. Everyone said Hidan's name. "Gimme one." Hidan pulled his scythe out of his back. "Here." He said.

(For the record, Pein is actually alive. He's just playing dead.)

As the Light Spirit began to slice Pein in half, Konan yelled stop. _I LOVE YOU KONAN!!_ Pein yelled mentally. "Let me do it!" Konan said. _I HATE YOU, YOU CRAZY BITCH!!_ Pein yelled mentally again. As Konan was about to slice him, Pein yelled stop right before it hit his groin. Konan gasped. "You're alive!" She started crushing him into a hug. "Too much, too much!" he choked out. "Sorry, force of habit." Konan yanked him out of the hole.

"If you had that kind of strength, why did you want to slice him in half?" The Light Spirit asked. "Well wouldn't you want slice Pein in half if you had the chance?" Konan asked. Everyone murmured in agreement. "So how'd you survive a shotgun to the chest?" The Light Spirit asked. Pein removed his cloak and revealed that he was wearing full steel battle armor. "How long have you been wearing that?" Konan asked. "Since the last time me and Konan had New Year's Eve Sex." Pein said.

"Why would- nevermind. I _really_ don't think I want to know." The Light Spirit said.

"Well, how'd you know I got shot in the chest?" Pein asked. "Security cameras. I like seeing you all squirm." The Light Spirit said.

Suddenly, Itachi climbed up to the Light Spirit's shoulder. "Where've you been?" The Light Spirit asked. "I HAVE BEEN DROWNING IN MINI-ATLANTIC FOR THE PAST 20 MINUTES WAITING FOR YOU GUYS TO NOTICE." Itachi said angrily. "Oh, well… sorry." Pein said. "SORRY!? YOU LET ME DROWN FOR 20 MINUTES AND-" The Light Spirit crushed him in his hand. "Well, time to get you guys out of my home." The Light Spirit threw them all out of the cave.

They were heading for Tower #4 of the Atlantis Base.

"Hooray! We have successfully rebuilt Tower #4!!" One of the Akatsuki workers shouted. Everyone cheered. And, just then, Pein and the others crashed into Tower #4 and knocked it over. "Awww… that sucks…" The workers groaned.

As the Akatsukis managed to crawl back into the base. "LAND!! OH GLORIOUS LAND!!" They started kissing the ground. "Aw man it's metal…" Everyone started spitting at the ground.

"This fanfic isn't over yet guys, we still gotta fight the Ultimate Boss!" Pein said, standing up dramatically. "Can't we all just go home!?" Deidara yelled. "No, do you have any idea how anti-climactic that is?" Pein asked. "I don't _care!_ All I want to do go home, sleep, and maybe go out with my girlfriend! I mean look at us, we're cold, sick, and…" Deidara trailed off. "I'm hungry." Zetsu called out. "Yeah, Zetsu's hungry! Look, Leader, we just wanna go home." Deidara said.

"No, we're gonna stay here, have an awesomely awesome battle and YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!!" Pein ordered. Everyone groaned. "…And maybe we'll, I dunno, go out for some pizza if we live." Pein added. Everyone cheered, but then frowned. "'if we live'?" Deidara asked. "It's the final battle. Someone's gotta die."

Suddenly, Organization XIII burst through the floor with a shovel. "_NEVER_ LEAVE US IN YOUR BASEMENT AGAIN!!" Axel yelled. "Ah, you survived! Which means you gain all our privileges!" Pein said proudly. "And those are?" Axel asked. "You get to go into battle first!" Pein waved an arm in the direction of the bloody battle about to take place.

Axel immediately tried to dig back through the hole, yelling at everyone. They were all pulled out of the hole. "Pick a target, any target!" Pein announced. Organization XIII nervously picked up their weapons, looking around at the (violently (hideous) Akatsukis before them. 

"CHARGE!!" Pein shouted. No one moved. "_CHARGE!!_" He said again. No one moved. Again. "_CHARGE,_ OR NO PIZZA!!" He yelled. Everyone moved, suddenly full of enthusiasm and morale. "YAAAAAAAHH!!"

-:-

"VIC! STATUS REPORT!!" Madara ordered, slamming on the button that makes the intercom work.

"Everything's _not_ fine, dude. Those freaks from Japan are fuckin' up every system I got." Vic said. "Get me O'Malley!" Madara shouted.

O'Malley showed up on the screen, looking extremely stressed out. "WHAT!? I'm extremely stressed out!" he shouted. "I can see that. WE'RE IN A CLIMACTIC BATTLE!!" Madara yelled. "So am I. _Zombies_ are lining up at my doorstep! They keep yelling that they want my head on a platter!" O'Malley said. "Oh, mine is that the most retarded people in my organization are rebelling. And they're causing a lot of trouble." An explosion was heard.

"Tower 5 just blew up, dude." Vic reported. "Damn. That was the gym!" Madara cursed. "Well, can we get some back up?" O'Malley asked. "Huh?" Madara said. "For the Zombies!" O'Malley yelled. "Oh! Well I'm sorry but the contract we had doesn't cover Zombie attacks." Madara said calmly. "Really? Then I guess you'd like to know that the Zombies want your head too. Keep sayin' that you're the one who made them this way."

"Ah… I remember now! I dumped a bunch of toxic mushrooms into your –cough- water supply. You may want to get out of there uh… now." Madara said. "Okay, you know what? Screw you! We're through as both allies _and_ friends!" O'Malley said. "Oh, come on! Buddy!" Madara started. "I'm telling the Zombies where you are!" O'Malley yelled. "What!?"

Vic appeared on the screen next. "Zombies are at the underground entrance, dude. Here yelling that they want Madara's head and a McFlurry or they'll kill everyone." He said. "Kill everyone… that's what we should do –no, that's what _they_ should do. I'm gonna get on the escape pod." Madara said.

"Sorry, dude. Last one's leaving." Vic said. "Then stop it." Madara told him. "No-can-do, dude. I'm the last one." Vic said, turning off the screen. The last escape pod escaped to the surface. "DAMN YOU!!" Madara shouted in anger.

Madara turned back to the blank screen and cursed. "Need another escape plan…" he muttered. "The main courtyard!" he turned to the window and saw that the zombies were eating _his_ Akatsuki while they were fighting _Pein's_ Akatsukis. Or, as he liked to call them, _Akatsu-freaks._

"Okay… courtyard's obviously not an option… The back door!" He slid open a small window that was on the door to be careful. He saw a bunch of zombies clawing at his face. He slammed the window shut, cutting off some of their hands. He could hear their complaints about losing their arms.

"…I'm trapped in my own office. This is sad." He sat down at his desk and pulled out a bottle of wine. "Cheers to twenty miserable years living in a miserable high-tech underwater base and a miserable, painful death." He chugged the whole bottle down.

-:- With Pein -:-

"DAMMIT, GUYS! KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME!!" Pein shouted. He used every single Ninja tool he had. Taking Tobi and molding him into a baseball bat, he started to whack every single living thing in his path. Unfortunately, that included his own teammates.

"OW! I'M KISAME!" Kisame shouted in pain. "Sorry." Pein muttered.

"OW! I'M DEIDARA!" Deidara shouted. "Sorry." Pein said.

"OW! I'M SHNIZ!" Shniz yelled. "I know." Pein proceeded in whacking… people.

"I'm helping!" Tobi cheered. "Shhh. Bats don't talk." Pein said.

3 HOURS LATER

"Leader… this is starting to get a little disorienting…" Tobi said. "Tobi, what did I tell you about three hours ago?" Pein asked, continuing to hit things with the Tobi-Bat. "Bats don't talk…" Tobi grumbled.

"Sir! We got a problem!" Shniz yelled. "Oh my god. I should make a 'no talking' rule for everybody on this team. What is it now, and make sure you say everything. After this, I will not listen to _anything_ you guys say." Pein said, annoyed. "Sir, everyone in Organization XIII except for me has been captured!" Shniz said. "By what?" Pein asked. "Zombies! And not just any zombies either, those big muscle head zombies with giant fists of… pain. Or suffering. One of those."

"C-Can I come down now?" Tobi asked, sounding a little nauseated. "_sigh._ Fine." Pein dropped him to the floor. "Thank you. Can I go home now?" Tobi asked. "Is the room cleared of enemies?" Pein asked. "No." Tobi answered. "Is it cleared at all?" Pein asked. "No…" Tobi said. "Now, what do you think you should do?" Pein said. "Kill things…" Tobi said, exhausted.

"**Here. Use this katana I had conveniently saved in my cloak."** Madara said, pulling out a katana with a black blade and red handle. "If you had that in there, why'd you let leader use me as a club!?" Tobi complained. **"Because, I don't like you! Now shut up and kill things before I make you staple your own mouth closed!"** Madara yelled. "What's the button for?" Pein said pointing to the red button on the bottom of the handle. **"Oh, that's just there for fun. If you press it the sword says one randomly selected phrase that is meant to intimidate or confuse your opponent." **Madara said. "Oh well okay, I guess I'll go kill Madara (real one) Now." **"You better, that shit head is an embarrassment to my name!" **Madara said.

_Hm… Let's test this thing out._ Pein pressed the red button on his sword. "IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!!" (cough, copyright infringement) Pein looked at Madara quizzically.** "Odd… that's not one of the phrases I asked for." **Madara said. Pein pressed the button again. "It's you're friendly neighborhood Spiderman!"

"…I think we got the wrong voice box." Pein said. **"Then what happened to the one **_**I**_** ordered?" **Madara asked.

-:- Meanwhile, at a comic convention… -:-

Some random kid picked up a Spiderman action figure and pressed the button. "I will gouge your eyes out and feed them to my dog!" it said. "Spiderman never said that!" The kid said. He picked up a Mr. Fantastic action figure. "HAIL HITLER!" The action figure yelled, raising its right arm.

"This sucks! You ruined my childhood, Mister!" The kid ran up to the counter and kicked the clerk in the balls.

-:- Back to business… -:-

"…That'll remain a mystery, I guess. Oh well. MADARA!!!" Pein raised the sword in the air and pressed the button. "I AM IRON MAN!!" an awkward moment of silence passed. "…I'll just… tear this off now and be on my way." Pein ripped out the button and slashed his way through the zombies and to Madara's office.

Madara's office…

"MADARA! I'VE COME TO FIGHT YOU!!" Pein yelled, storming into the room. It was empty. "Madara?" Behind him, in the shadow, Madara was hanging from the pipes in military battle fatigues with a knife in his mouth. He had a maniacal grin on his face and a murderous look in his eyes. He flung himself towards Pein, yelling, "GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Pein turned around and shouted, "WHAT THE FU-!?"

To be continued :D

Okay, the real reason we ended it here is because Madara missed Pein and landed on the camera instead. And that knocked over a bunch of other equipment down until it set the whole stage ablaze, killing about 5 workers. So… we might not be updating in a while. Have a nice week, day, evening, day, birthday, Christmas, whatever :D


	16. NEXT TO LAST CHAPTER?

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

"Aw man! Right in the camera!" One stage hand said. "You killed the camera man." Another said in a bored tone. "Madara, you clumsy idiot!"

"SHUT UP, OKAY!? Shut up! I'll fix this!" Madara yelled, turning to walk away. He bumped into a lantern, knocking it down to set half the set on fire. "Oh."

Five hours later…

After numerous horrific accidents, the set was finally completed.

"Okay. Now. We'll try this again. ACTION!!" TheWindAlchemist yelled dynamically. Madara jumped down from the pipes only to get hit in the head with the microphone.

Another few hours later…

"OKAY!! Cameras back! Microphones, back! Snack table, about fifty meters away! Crew, forty meters away!" TheWindAlchemist called. "Shouldn't the crew be farther away than the table?" One stage hand asked. "No. You guys are expendable. That table-and the snacks are not." TheWindAlchemist pointed to the table. "And, all flammable objects disposed of."

One stage hand was smoking. One of the loyal ones slapped the cigarette out of his hand and shot the guy, giving a thumbs up." "And… ACTI-"

Just then, a giant Godzilla tore the set apart.

TheWindAlchemist stared in horror. The stage hand beside her started saying, "Now, I know what you're thinking… and…" suddenly, TheWindAlchemist began to strangle the stage hand to death.

Two Hours of strangling later…

"Okay… we're all set here right? N-No accidents, no aliens, no astrological disorder… no nothing, right?" TheWindAlchemist looked very stressed out, holding a cup of hot chocolate and chugging it down her throat. "Well, you see…" One stage hand was looking over a clipboard. "Wh-What, Nancy? What could possibly happen now that Life or whatever _god_ that rules over this universe hasn't done to me already!?" TheWindAlchemist asked, freaking out.

"We replaced him with Tom Cruise." The Stage hand said. "Oh good. Wait a sec… I'm kinda getting ahead of myself here… h-how the hell did you get Tom Cruise?" TheWindAlchemist asked. "We sodomized him with Potato Chips until he agreed to come." The stage hand said. "… I should slap you for doing something that'll obviously get us arrested… but, I don't care anymore."

TheWindAlchemist ordered everyone to their stations and everything began.

And _this_ is why it took (and takes us) so long to update.

-So this means that the actor portraying Madara is now Tom Cruise. He'll be addressed as Madara anyway.

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

Madara leapt from the ceiling and grabbed Pein by the shoulders in an attempt to strangle him. Pein responded by head-butting him until both of them received minor concussions. Madara slowly reached for a katana on the ground and aimed for Pein's heart. He only succeeded in stabbing himself in the leg. "Ow…" He croaked, yanking it out. He aimed more carefully at Pein's heart and the blade shattered against his armor. "Oh right… I forgot…"

Pein struggled to his feet and tried to find a weapon. "Ooh!" He pulled open a floorboard and pulled a pistol out. "How'd you know that was there!?" Madara asked. "You're _Madara Uchiha._ Why _wouldn't_ I know that was there?" Pein aimed the pistol at Madara's head and pulled the trigger. _Click. Click, Click, Click. _"Damn!"

"You actually thought I left my collections loaded? Fool! I spit at you!" Madara actually barfed instead. "Ugh… I am sorry… I think I might've swallowed a piece of zombie skin…" he coughed. "Ew… how'd that happen?" Pein asked. "A zombie broke in here right before you did and I had to bite him to death." Madara explained. "…Okay."

WITH THE AKATSUKIS

"BACK! BACK YOU UNDEAD FREAKS, STAY BACK!!" Hidan yelled. "Oh god, I'm insulting my own kind!" a Zombie came up behind him. "You're undead too? Aaaawesome…" Hidan turned around quickly and punched the poor zombie to death.

Meanwhile, The Xemnas Zombie sprouted out of the ground and attacked Tobi. "Xemnas? Is that you!?" Tobi asked. "SHUT UP! Do not speak to me like we're FRIENDS!! … 'Cuz we're not!!" Xemnas spat (literally). "Why do you hate us so much!?" Tobi said as he dodged Xemnas' attacks. "Because you guys destroyed my base!" Xemnas said in rage as he kicked Tobi down on the floor. "Wait, wait, wait, you're doing all this because we destroyed your base?" Xemnas nodded. "That was a whole other story ago!" Tobi yelled.

"Not to mention that YOU'RE the reason that I'm a zombie!" Xemnas shouted. "Oh. Sorry." Tobi shrugged. "If sorry were enough we wouldn't be fighting here like this!" Xemnas took out his light-saber electricity thing (???) and proceeded to slash at Tobi. He managed to expertly dodge the swings and crawl behind a huge piece of debris.

"**Tobi, let me handle this! You suck at fighting!" **Madara yelled. "Well… You suck at… being nice!" Tobi countered. **"I'm a SUPER VILLAIN! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE NICE!!" **Xemnas destroyed the broken wall that Tobi was hiding behind. "Get up so I can kill you face to face, you retard!!" he yelled. Tobi got up slowly and turned around, his sharingan showing through the eyehole. "Uh-oh." Xemnas muttered. **"Tobi has officially left the building. An' I'm gonna miss 'im." **There was a short pause. **"Well not really but… well it sounded cool." **Madara (Tobi) shrugged.

"I don't care if you're the mental incarnation of Madara stuck in a mentally impaired boy! I'm gonna kill you!" Xemnas shouted. "YAAAAAAAAHHH!!" Madara head-butted Xemnas and kicked him in the nuts, kicking him in the stomach as he landed on the ground. **"That's all you had to do Tobi, and you couldn't pull it off."** Madara said. "Shaddap!" Tobi said in his own head.

"Hey Tobi, quit slacking off over ther- Oh. Madara. Eheh… I'm going." Deidara scurried off to the rest of the battle.

"**COME, MY TOBI MINIONS! THE TIME HAS COME FOR US TO RISE AGAIN!!" **Madara raised both arms in a dynamic fashion as a swarm of Tobi clones burst out of their cloning tubes (which seemed to come out of nowhere) and put on camouflage designed masks. **"ATTACK THE ZOMBIES!!"** Madara ordered, laughing maniacally.

"Izzat the besht ya got!? HUH!?" Xemnas slurred, barely standing. Madara shoved a pipe down Xemnas' throat and signaled for the Tobis to kill Xemnas. Or at least keep him distracted. Three Tobis surrounded Xemnas and started kicking him on the ground.

MEANWHILE, WITH PEIN AND MADARA (Real one)

"Oh great, Tobi clones! Just what we need!" Pein took a closer look and saw that the clones were only attacking the Zombies. "Oh, just what we need!" he said in a happier tone. "Hello, _we're_ still fighting!" Pein turned around and was sucker-punched in the face by Madara.

"Aw… that was a permanent tooth, you bastard! I'll kill you!" Pein and Madara got into a big fist fight. Eventually Madara stopped and pulled a wooden bat that was lying in a case that read 'In case of rebellion break glass'. Pein was looking around for a weapon himself and ended up pulling a pipe from the ceiling. Immediately it started spraying water all over Pein.

Out from the pipe sprouted Kisame. He sat on the floor, a horrified look on his face. "Kisame?" Pein asked, confused. "I don't know!!" he cried. "Get outta here!" Pein kicked him out a broken window and into the crowd of Tobis and Zombies.

"Back to our fight!" Pein swung his pipe in random directions as he ran towards Madara. Wood and metal clashed for an endless amount of time until it ended when Madara's bat broke. "Face it, Madara! YOU LOST!" Pein declared.

"Not with my secret weapon!" Madara pulled open a (random) curtain.

WITH TOBI

"The battle's going smoothly, sir!" Kakuzu reported, suddenly wearing a general's uniform as well as the other Akatsuki Members. **"Excellent."** Madara said, also wearing a general's uniform. **"Hey, where's Konan? I haven't seen her all chapter."** He asked. "She said something about grabbing a hotdog and helping Pein with his battle. She knows that he can't win without her backing him up." Deidara said. **"A hotdog, eh? I'm hungry, get me a hotdog."** Madara said, waving a hand dismissively at Deidara. "Do you want mustard on it?" Deidara said in an annoying tone. **"It's not gonna put mustard on itself, now is it?"** Madara said, turning back to the binoculars.

"Sir, shouldn't you use a telescope, since you have only one eye?" Sasori asked. **"Don't remind me of my disability!"** Madara growled.

Suddenly, Kisame landed in front of Madara/Tobi. **"Ah, Kisame, just in time! Put on this uniform and help the Tobis secure the western flank."** Kisame looked confused. "Wh-What?" he asked. **"Put this on, go over there, and kill some Zombies. NOW!"** Madara shouted.

"Hey, when did Tobi become the leader?" Itachi whispered to Sasori. "I don't know, but he's doing a lot better than the old one." Sasori whispered back. Speaking of the incompetent leader, let's go check up on him again:D

"Wha… What is that thing?" Pein asked, staring up at the book-shaped machine in front of him. "This, my sworn enemy, is the Story Arc Generator! When I die, you and your '_team'_ will be strung into an endless stream of pointless adventure, one after another! Every single one even more pointless than the last, and having nothing to do with the story plot Masashi Kishimoto planned for anything!" Madara let out a successful laugh.

"As soon as I pull the lever, I will stab myself and the deed is done!" Madara yelled.

"…You wouldn't really do that to me, would ya?" Pein asked, laughing like they were old buddies. "You destroyed my base, all of my workers and unleashed a horde of Tobi clones into the COURTYARD OUTSIDE MY OFFICE!! Why _Wouldn't _I do it!?" Madara asked. "… because I asked nicely?" Pein offered. Madara gave a low growl as he pulled down on the lever.

Nothing happened. "Try jiggling it." Pein suggested (for some reason). "I-It's not doing anything." Madara muttered angrily, pulling the lever until it broke. "Aw, great!" the machine started rumbling, making the ground shake.

"…Not… Good…" Madara said.


	17. HOLY SHIZ THAT'S SHIT!

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

PREVIOUSLY ON RISE OF THE SHNIZ:

Pein: what is that thing!?

Madara: it is my STORY ARC GENERATOR!! When I pull this lever, your team will be thrust into a vortex of pointless story arcs! Now, for the moment we've all been dying to avoid!!

-rips off lever-

Madara: … F-censored cursing-

(Well, that's basically what happened …)

Chapter 17: The title has nothing to do with the story :D … D:

Konan was running through the halls, finishing up a hotdog she got from the amazingly still intact lunch room. "I'm here to save you, Pein, what'd I miss!?" She asked, slamming the door to Madara's office. She saw Madara holding a broken lever, and Pein unrolling some duct tape. "…Hi Konan!" he said.

Madara threw the broken lever at Pein when he wasn't looking and jumped out the window. "SEE Y OU IN HELL!!" he shouted. There was a short laughing sound and then the sound of screaming. He was impaled on a piece of pipe that was standing up between two broken sections of wall. "Ouch."

"BRACE YOURSELF!!" Pein hid under what was left of Madara's desk. He saw a bunch of pictures of Konan there. "…I'll remember this later."

"How come the machine isn't activating!?" Konan asked. "Maybe Madara isn't completely dead." Pein said, kicking the desk he was hiding under into a corner. "Good. We can force him to tell us how to turn off the machine!" Konan said. Just then, Shniz jumped out of nowhere and started beating Madara down with his ukulele. "I DID IT!! I DID GOOD!!" Shniz cheered proudly.

**Story Arc Generator Activating in ten minutes**

"SHNIZ DID BAD!! YOU IDIOT!!" Pein yelled angrily, pointing his middle finger at Shniz. "Shniz do bad?" Shniz asked, disappointed. "SHNIZ DID VERY BAD! NOW THE STORY WILL NEVER END!!" Konan shouted. "Why!?" Shniz asked. "Madara created a machine that'll send us into a never ending cycle of story arcs if he died! AND YOU KILLED HIM!" Pein yelled. Everyone pointed their weapons at Shniz.

"If my girlfriend breaks up with me, I'll blame you." Deidara hit Shniz. "Now I can't get that vacation I've been dreaming about!" Sasori hit Shniz as well. "Now I can't get that eye exam!" Itachi whacked Shniz with a pipe. "I blame you for my mother's death!" Kisame kicked Shniz in the balls. "I _**HATE**_ YOU!!" Tobi said, biting Shniz and head-butting him. "You traitor!" Xemnas stabbed Shniz in the leg.

"Guys, Guys! Violence is _not_ the answer!" Pein said, hitting the Story Arc Machine with a bath. "Now hurry up and use the answer of violence to destroy this machine!" Pein held up the bat, starting a small rally. Everyone cheered in response.

"Why should we listen to you!?" Xemnas asked. In a minute he was reduced to nothing but a talking head. "Oh, very mature!" he said.

"Toss me that annoying head! …violently!" Pein ordered. Someone in the crowd threw Xemnas' head through a completely intact window. Pein shoved Xemnas' still talking head into what looked like an important part of the machine.

**Unknown object located in pipe 24, commencing worldwide story arc envelopment**

"Uh-oh." Everyone pointed their weapons at Pein. "Yeah! How do you like it!?" Shniz cheered. He was thrown next to Pein. They were about to close in for the kill when Konan stopped them. "Guys." She walked behind the machine and pulled something out. She walked out from behind and carried a cord that was connected to the machine. "Oh. Duh." Pein said, slapping his forehead. Konan had unplugged the machine.

"YAY! WE WON'T BE SUCKED INTO AN ENDLESS STORY ARC!" Everyone cheered. The zombies and Tobis looked at each other and fought once again.

"Quick! We have to get out of here!" Konan urged everybody. "Why? I wanna see the fight." Pein said. "You don't understand. When I unplugged the machine, it activated the self-destruct sequence. In exactly ten minutes we're all gonna die." Konan explained. The Tobis and Zombies only heard the phrase 'We're all gonna die' and panicked.

**"Tobis, it's been an honor serving with you." **Madara said, removing his hat and beginning to play music with a violin. Deidara grabbed Madara and made a run for it, like the rest of the team. "Come on! We need you for comic relief!" he yelled.

"Come on!" Pein said urgently. Everybody was in, Deidara threw Madara against the wall, bringing Tobi back. Sasori tried to hotwire the sub, but it was taking a long time. "Hurry!" Pein rushed. "DO you want this done fast, or do you want it done right?" Sasori asked, annoyed. "FAST!!" Everyone yelled. "Okay, okay." Sasori just randomly connected two wires, blowing the engine. They tried the next escape pod, and the next, all three of them having blown engines.

"Damn!" Sasori yelled. "Game over man, game over!" Hidan said, spazzing out. 'Hey! Look! Nine scuba suits!" Deidara pointed. "But there's eleven of us. Two'll have to be left behind!" Sasori said. "You're really good at math." Deidara commented. Ignoring that, Sasori said, "Who wants to be left behind?"

Kisame raised his hand. "Technically, I don't need a scuba suit." Sasori nodded. "Okay, one person needs to be left behind. Okay, someone useless, not part of the story directly, and whose name is in the title…" Sasori looked down the line of people. "OKAY! I'll stay! God, you all suck!" Shniz yelled. "Look, Shniz. It's not me. It's you. You are the most minor character here, and your name's in the title. You were awesome in Kingdom Hearts II, but in Naruto, you don't make the cut." There was a dramatic pause, and then the Story Arc Machine said,

**One minute till total ****pwnage**

Sasori patted Shniz's shoulder. "Well, see ya!" With that, they all put on the scuba suits and got the hell outta there.

Shniz stared at the open hatch for a minute. "Well, I guess it's time to look over my life." He stared into space for only a second before realizing, "Damn, I suck. I got beaten by a bunch of Disney characters!" (To those who forgot, Shniz's other alias is Demyx, from Kingdom Hearts II)

-:-

The Akatsukis were halfway away from the base, heading towards the surface. "We won't make it!" Sasori yelled. "We will!" Pein said. "We can't make it!" Hidan yelled. "WE CAN!!" Pein shouted.

And they did. As they cheered in happiness and whatnot, the shockwave from the explosion sent them flying. They landed right in front of their base. Pein was the last one to land. He hit a tree, and as he fell down, the top of the tree went with him, and, working like a slilngshot, shot him into a nearby thornbush. By the time he got back, everybody was already settled into the base.

He slammed the door open, walked to the living room, plopped down on the sofa and turned on the TV.

"Recent sightings on a huge explosion in the Atlantic Ocean, with huge chunks of what seem to be ruins of a large underwater city. And a group of 11 people wearing black cloaks were caught in a fishing net, one of them yelling, 'THAT WAS AWESOME!!'"

Pein paused the TV, zooming in on the person yelling.

"Holy Shniz that's Shit. I mean, Holy Shit that's Shniz!" he exclaimed.

Up Next: Epilogue, coming soon! (no seriously, like sometime today or something. See ya there!)


	18. Epilogue

**Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz**

Epilogue

Life slowly returned back to normal (whatever normal was) for Akatsuki, Japan Branch. The interview for Shniz yesterday said that he was going to start his own evil organization soon. But considering his lack of intelligence and uselessness altogether, it didn't last. Organization XIII broke up and pursued real jobs. Who knows? You might see Axel at Seven Eleven. I know I want to.

As for the Light Spirit, he returned to his desk job at the Celestial Council. Though, he had to admit, things got boring really fast without the Akatsukis there. Which goes to show that the thing you hate the most will end up to the thing you'll hate missing when it's gone.

The spirit inhabiting the cheeseburger (or was it hamburger?) that beat up Tobi earlier in the story left after the burger rotted and began haunting a local antique shop in the city the Akatsuki base was located in.

Zitsu, who was briefly mentioned somewhere in the story, was accepted into a circus troupe and worked well there for some time. Though, when he consumed too much cotton candy, he went berserk and decimated an entire town in a sugar-induced rage. There goes half of New York City. Authorities are still searching for him, but so far there are no leads. Rumors spread that he's on a collision course for Mexico.

The Red vs. Blue guys started leading their own lives in Blood Gulch, since there was nothing else interesting to do. Caboose and Tobi still communicate through inter-dimensional email and Instant Messaging.

As for the entire organization of Akatsuki, the few hundred survivors found a new base in one of the seven wonders of the world, The Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Since Pein was the one who basically defeated Madara, he was named the new supreme leader. But to claim his title, or make it official, (whatever you wanna call it), Pein and his group had to retrieve an artifact from Ancient Egypt.

**Commence Indiana Jones Rip-off**

"The wall's closing!" Deidara yelled. Everybody managed to slide underneath it, however, one of Pein's piercings' got ripped off in the process. "Damn it!" Pein tried to reach for it from under the closing wall, but because of its small size, he had trouble finding it. He even knocked it away a few times. "GOD-FREAKIN-" He finally grabbed hold of the small piercing just as Konan pulled him from under the descending walls.

"Are you crazy!? You can get a new piercing when we get home!" Konan scolded. "No need!" Pein proudly pulled the piecing out of his pocket and stabbed it through his ear. "N-Not a p-problem!" a tear escaped his eye. "Where's the effing artifact?" he asked through gritted teeth. "I ate it!" Tobi said happily.

Pein simply stepped on Tobi's foot, reaching into his mouth and grabbing the artifact out of Tobi's stomach. "Good." Pein sighed.

When Pein presented the artifact, the Akatsuki Council had no choice but to make Pein the supreme leader. However, he didn't do a very good job at it and almost blew the base up again. The Akatsukis then revolted and demoted him to the position he was in originally. The new leader was, ironically, Shniz, who was the one who led the revolt against Pein. His pride was hurt for a couple weeks, but eventually recovered.

They proceeded on their main goal of world domination, however, Pein came back with a lovely surprise called Claire.

(Akatsuki: The Family Projec t will now be updated depending on our mood. It will not have an actual plot, it'll be more like Pein and Konan's struggle to become good parents, and the Akatsuki's struggle against Claire. Have a nice day)

**Thus concludes this story of utter random story plots**

**The end-**

SHNIZ: WOOOOOO!!! SUPREME LEADER BITCHES!! YEAH!! WHAT NOW!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- -gets shot-

THEWINDALCHEMIST: Yeah… goodbye.


End file.
